Sunday: Husbands and Wives
Daily Lesson for Sunday 15th of March 2026
Several sets of instructions for Christian homes are included in the New Testament (see Ephesians 5:21-33; Ephesians 6:1-9, Colossians 3:18-25; Colossians 4:1, Titus 2:1-10, 1 Peter 2:18-25; 1 Peter 3:1-7). Notably, these “household codes,” as they are called, are not completely hierarchical but include elements to make the relationships more reciprocal and mutually edifying.
Read Colossians 3:18-19. What balance do you see? What additional counsels does Paul give in Ephesians 5:22-25,33?
Image © Sally Weimer at Goodsalt.com
Some men quote, “Wives, submit to your husbands” (Colossians 3:18, ESV) and stop there, but notice the important qualifier Paul adds: “as is fitting in the Lord.” Nowhere does the New Testament teach that women are to submit to all men; nor that wives are subservient or subjugated; nor that they are to blindly submit to their husbands’ every whim or desire. Paul’s point is that the wife’s loyalty is to the Lord first and to her husband second. The wife’s individuality must not be swallowed up by her husband, nor can he act as her conscience.
Christ’s love for the church in giving Himself up for her illustrates how husbands should love their wives (Ephesians 5:25). They will be faithful regardless of the cost. They will make decisions that are in the best interests of the wife, though normally these interests should be aligned. Love like this makes it easier for the wife to obey God’s command to respect her husband (Ephesians 5:33).
A healthy Christian marriage is characterized by mutuality—consulting each other, thinking things through together, and making decisions as a couple. Sometimes, when making decisions that have serious implications for the whole family, it may be appropriate to include children in these discussions, but never should parents quarrel in front of them. After such a process, if the husband and wife are unable to come to an agreement, the biblical path to peace is for the wife to acquiesce to her husband’s judgment, provided it does not violate the Word of God. By the same token, most, if not all, husbands can recall times they were happy that they listened to their wives and took their advice. The more the husband and wife work together as a team, the happier the marriage will be.
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How can we avoid doing what has, unfortunately, been done all through history: taking the beautiful principles expressed in these texts and turning them into something evil? |
When we read Paul on the topics of women and family, we often make assumptions about first century culture. So, this morning I thought it worthwhile digging for a bit of background information.
We often assume that women had very few rights and were often regarded at chattels, just part of the household furniture. They were certainly not treated with the sense of equality that we strive for today but they did have rights and Jewish women were in many respects treated better than some of the other cultures surrounding them.
Briefly; women were largely excluded from public life but were included in religious festivals. They were given a special court in the Temple but were excluded from official duties. Marriage was important and protected by law. The marriage contracts of the time stipulated that in the case of divorce a specific sum was designated to be paid to the woman. This guarded against arbitrary divorce. Typically divorce proceedings could only be initiated by the husband, but there is evidence to suggest that at least some divorced were initiated by wives.
Women usually did not inherit although in the case where there were no sons, they were allowed. Women were allowed to run businesses as was the case of Lydia, the seller of purple dye. While education was focused mainly on boys, there is evidence that some women were well-educated and were often in charge of home education.
Against this legal and cultural background we find that many of Paul’s comments on family go beyond the legal and cultural norms of the day and include love as a major component of marriage and family relationships.
Paul is indicating that the family unit functions on loving care for one another and not just a legal obligation.
It is ironic that Paul, who was not married, wrote more about marriage than any other Bible writer. He did not write out of experience but from a pastoral and theological perspective under the guidance of the Holy Spirit. This gives us the first lesson that marriage success does not depend on how long one has been married, but on who guides the marriage. Marriage is a spiritual institution, and its success must be under the influence of the Holy Spirit. It is essential to take practical steps to make marriage successful, but the ultimate secret behind a successful marriage is the Holy Spirit working in the hearts of the two individuals. All possible marriage efforts can only yield the anticipated outcome when carried out in the spirit and not as an obligation.
Among the many….many mercies that God has granted me in my life is grace over my marriage. God has graciously granted me a happy and blessed marriage for a few decades now. Yes, I have always tried to put a few things in place to sweeten my marriage, but I know in this wicked age, my marriage is still strong going only by God’s mercies. When Paul says, “Husbands love your wives” (Ephesians 5:25, 28,33, Colossians 3:19), he is simply telling the husbands to extend the love of God from their hearts to their wives. If husbands do not have the love of God, all they can extend is human love which always fails. This brings us to the second lesson that for husbands or wives to produce true love in a marriage, they must love God first. Any other love not from God is temporal and will always fail in marriage when trials come. This brings us to the third lesson that all marriages are only protected by God. Any other sense of marriage security illusion.
It is important to understand Paul’s pastoral perspective on marriage. To him, marriage is not simply a social companionship and a means to perpetuate the human race. He reflects on marriage as a spiritual union that portrays the character of God. A lovely and sweet marriage is one where God is at the centre. As we grow in our Christianity into the likeness of Christ, equally, our marriages must grow to reflect the character of God.
I have always struggled with the comment that the only successful marriages are those blessed by God. However, there are many people who have successful marriages, but who don’t believe in God. How do you explain that point?
Melvin, my brother in Christ; the first thing we need to discover is your definition of success. I have heard of married men whose chief joy in their marriage experience is the fact that their wife is assisting them pay for the loan that was incurred in the purchase of his car ; and should she ever stop that assistance ; he would be leaving the home.
Sacred Scripture is clear ” Beloved, let us love one another: for love is of God; and everyone that loveth is born of God, and knoweth God.” 1 John 4:7 kjv. Therfore only people who have a relationship with God possess the capacity to love each other especially in the context of marriage. Therefore from a Christo-centric viewpoint the reality of a successful marriage involves not only two persons but “three persons” -Husband- GOD – Wife. The Person in the center being their Source of love.
Dear Melvin,
Just a quick and a small attempt to respond to your struggle.
“Indeed, when Gentiles, who do not have the law, do by nature things required by the law, they are a law for themselves, even though they do not have the law. They show that the requirements of the law are written on their hearts, their consciences also bearing witness…” (Romans 2:14–15, NIV).
Those who do not profess to be Christians (believers), but have a moral conscience and do right things, their marriage will be successful. Marriage is not only a spiritual matter, a moral issue too. All human beings were created in the image of God, whereby each one of us has a measure of morality in us. Therefore, without confessing to be a believer, one can have a “good” marriage because they practice the virtues that makes marriage successful – love, patience, commitment, and respect. But take note of the Bible verse quoted above that God gives good things even to those who do not know His laws. God is gracious and merciful to all mankind.
Beautiful. Thank you for your response.
There definitely are good marriages among non-believers. I suppose they could be even better if they were believers. I think there are two explanations for these good marriages:
1. Some people just have personalities that complement each other well and make it easier to have strong relationships
2. Some non-believers have likely internalized some of God’s principles, though unknowingly.
Ellen White notes in Steps to Christ that even the good deeds of unconverted people are the work of the Holy Spirit. So, when nonbelievers show love, patience, or kindness in their marriage, God is still at work—His influence can be present even when they don’t realize it.
ALL love comes from God. Even if you have no relationship with God, you still have God-given feelings and to the extent you respond to your conscience, you are blessed by God in your marriage.
Quite a few people think that Paul had been married – as a pharisee, that would have been expected. It seems he was either a widower or perhaps his wife left him when he became a Christian.
Today’s lesson has given us simple principles that if followed, will engender understanding and wisdom in the home through God’s help and leadership.
The question now is, why are there so many divorces in the world?
1, Leadership tussle
2, Unresolved issues before marriage
3, Lost marriage values
4, Non compatibility
5, Abuse
6, None submits to God’s will and leadership
7, Love and compassion are just theories with stringent condition before practiced
8, Too much exposures – academic, work etc. engendering quest for influence and Independence
9, Lack of trust
10, Negative external influence and pressure
etc.
But before any of the conditions listed above can lead to divorce, there is bound to be the defining point of misunderstanding, but I tell people that misunderstanding should not lead to fighting or further problems if not, the parties involved are not wise. misunderstanding is a combination of two words, Miss and understanding and at any point of misunderstanding, it simply means that understanding is missing in the issue argued about. If the parties cannot bring understanding in the issue, should consult people of higher experience than they – a pastor, counselor or any wise and respected individual.
God can use one or three of the experienced persons to bring understanding and settle the issue amicably.
God’s wish is for us to enjoy our home and make it a shadow of Heaven, giving people a glimpse of what Heaven will be like.
Choice of words is very important with our relationship with our spouses. I was listening to a teacher on Focus On the Family and he reiterated this point. My wife and I did an experiment, of trying to out do the other in kindness. Let me tell you it not only worked it is worthwhile. I am not telling you to stumble over yourselves in the process, just try it. It is as rewarding as helping the needy or the poor in spirit, the orphan, and the widow. By all means don’t neglect them either.
Brother Herscher the suggested attitude in outdoing our partner in kindness is really appreciated. I will promote and try this. God bless you
God has remained very intentional the family must be structured, especially the relationship between husband and wife. Marriage was designed with a divine purpose of preparing the next generation for Heaven. As husbands, we have a calling to fulfill just as our wives do. The apostle Paul clearly explains the relationship between husband and wife in Scripture: it must be one that brings order, stability, and harmony for God’s honor and glory. As it is written in Ephesians 5:25, “Husbands, love your wives, just as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her.” This kind of sacrificial love reflects God’s design for marriage.
Among the many good works that husbands and wives are called to accomplish as followers of the Lord, the most important place to begin is not in the church, the workplace, or the community—but in the home. As parents, we must understand that we can either shape or weaken the future of those who live with us. Children often make life decisions based more on what they experience at home and what they see their parents do than on what they hear even in church. Sadly, families today are facing a serious crisis, with increasing numbers of divorces among church-going families than church non going families showing how urgently God’s design for marriage needs to be restored.
The greatest legacy we can leave for our children is to live out our marriage according to God’s way. By spending intentional time together and using teachable moments with our children, we can make an honest effort to prepare the next generation for eternity. Our lives should preach a “wordless sermon” to them through faithfulness, humility, and love for the Lord. As encouraged in 1st Peter 3:1–4, a godly life has a powerful influence even without many words. When children see Christ reflected daily in the lives of their parents, they are more likely to walk in that same path of faith.
Christians’devotion and commitment to what the Bible
says unfortunately has also become an avenue for people with evil intentions to use the Bible to advance their nefarious purposes. A reverend minister advised that before we decide what a particular verse means, we need to prayerfully and thoroughlly study and relate that verse to other portions of scripture so that we can move from a superficial meaning a deeper one. She further illustrated her point by quoting Luther’s(the protestant reformer) analogy of the Bible as the baby Jesus’cradle where baby Jesus layed in between the flanks of the cradle. The lesson is that all the parts of the Bible hold together on Jesus at the center. We must and should not isolate a verse from the broader context to make a decision.
When morally immature people are in leadership roles, they often tend to become tyrants. They think that being in charge means having the power to do whatever they want, and to get their own way. Since this neglects the real purpose of leadership, things eventually fall apart and chaos emerges instead of order.
It’s the natural way of a fallen heart to become a self-centered tyrant. But God calls leaders to responsible leadership.
Being in charge isn’t all it’s imagined to be. It’s very hard to be a good leader. The most basic place where responsible leadership is needed is in the home. It’s important to pray for our government leaders, managers where we work, and church leaders, but we also need to pray for the leaders of families.
This was part of the confusion that had come to the city of Colossae. Some taught that women existed only to have babies and to serve men. Females were degraded and treated as mere servants. Men were tyrants in their homes who kept wives from realizing their potential as God had gifted them. This is a horrible distortion of the order God set up for the home.
Reading this lesson makes me sad, knowing I know exactly what I need to do to make my marriage work, but there is poor or no communication to create an environment where these principles are emphasized daily and God is intentionally put at the center of the marriage. My husband is neither actively speaking God’s word nor do we ever intentionally make God the center of our marriage. And this drains me… SOS
Sometimes we have to play the long game. I recently cited my grandmother’s story. It took 50 years for Grandad to realise that Jesus was the centre of their home and that is was primarily due to my quiet little Granny. She did not say much but she was kind and patient. That is what the Holy Spirit means sometimes!
Tee, I understand all too well. My husband has been an elder in the church for decades and saved the majority of his holiness just for church people. Impressing the people at church was always first and foremost. I no longer attend church with him because I got sick of watching the display he put on but could not be the same person at home. Family worship was not a priority. Marriage is a miserable existence for some of us. If the church required men to actually follow the Biblical guidelines before becoming an elder or deacon, how many would there be to fill the positions?
Being the head of the family is, at the same time, an honor and a great responsibility for the man. By being connected to Christ, both husband and wife will fulfill their family roles properly. The man will receive his wife’s love, along with her opinions and desires, and will decide, taking her side into consideration. A balanced couple will work as a team.
Relationship between wives and husbands.
The more the husband and wife work together as a team,the happier the marriage will be.The couples need to compliment each other and not to compete each other.Husbands are tasked to to offer sacrificial love to their wives just as Jesus died for the church- Ephesians 5:25.
Wives are also called upon to submit to their husbands- Ephesians 5.22. Submission regardless of the height, salary difference,etc.
Marriage is a joint account between the two( a husband and wife). Each one should strive to deposit something(love, humility/submission, respect,caring,open communication etc). In many marriages couples do a lot of withdrawals( they need their spouses to love, submit, respect them etc and yet they do not be deposit- do the same thing to the other spouse. Couples should strive to deposit( do something) instead of asking (withdrawing).
Couples should remember that they are all weak and fallen short of God’s glory- Romans 3.23.
I’m not married and actually when I read these topics in lessons, I’m glad I’m not. I don’t have a problem with mutual submission and actually I think the verses in Ephesians and Colossians actually support that, though in different ways. However, I struggle that the husband has the last word in a case where the couple cannot agree. In principle I understand that this might be necessary sometimes, but what exactly does that look like? There are issues that are not moral, but have significant consequences and it makes me uncomfortable that the husband has the last word on them, especially when he may not have strong insight into the situation.
Here’s an example that comes to my mind. Let’s say a husband and wife disagree about how many children they should have. (I suppose they should have talked about this before they married, but let’s say they didn’t. Or changed their minds) They have two and the husband wants to have two more for whatever reason. If they cannnot come to an agreement, does the husband have a right to make that decision? It’s not a moral issue but it definitely could have significant impact on the family in different ways.
Personally I’m uncomfortable with the husband having the final say on an issue like that, especially since he wouldn’t be carrying the baby, but I’m curious what others think.
Great question, Christina. I believe Ephesians 5 answers that. Since this is not a moral issue, the husband would have to do what Jesus would do- put the needs and wishes of his wife first, especially considering that it is she who carries the child and bears the discomforts and dangers that childbirth can hold. The problem, as I see it, is not in the principles Paul teaches but in their application because we do not have the mind of Christ. Husbands and wives are fallen, selfish human beings ruled by ego and self-preservation.
I agree with you fully. This is why I really believe ideally there is mutual submission and husband and wife really try to mutually come to decisions together, avoiding as much as possible having to give the husband the final say.
Because when all is said and done, men are not more moral or wise or most capable to make the decisions in the family. They have blinders and biases and they have as much a selfish nature as their wives. They do have some natural qualities that can or should make them good leaders, but there is still danger when they have power that their wife doesn’t.
I personally feel that submission (wife’s role) and love (husband’s role) are really two ways of saying the same thing. Submitting is putting aside one’s desires for the good of another. True love is self-sacrificing and it’s definitely not enforcing one’s will on another (as per I Corinthians 13). Together they mean neither is the boss, just the same as this is presented in relation to sexual relations (I Corinthians 7:4) where each person has authority over the other. I think that is the ideal.