Wednesday: Dealing With Difficult People
Jesus was a master at dealing with difficult people. By both His words and actions, He demonstrated acceptance. He listened sensitively to their concerns, raised questions, and gradually revealed divine truths. He recognized the inner longing in the most hardened hearts and saw potential in the vilest sinners. For Jesus, no one was beyond the reach of the gospel. Jesus certainly believed that “None have fallen so low, none are so vile, but that they can find deliverance in Christ”. — Ellen G. White, The Desire of Ages, p. 258.
Image © Jeff Preston at Goodsalt.com
Jesus looked at people through a different set of lenses than the rest of us do. He saw in each human being a reflection of the glory of the original Creation. He raised their thinking to grasp the possibility of what they might become, and many rose to meet His expectations for their lives.
Read Matthew 4:18-19; Mark 12:28-34; and Luke 23:39-43. What do you find similar in Christ’s appeals to Simon Peter and Andrew, an unnamed questioning scribe, and the thief on the cross? Study Christ’s approach to each of these carefully. What stands out to you?
Everywhere Jesus went He saw spiritual possibilities; He saw potential candidates for the kingdom of God in the most unlikely circumstances. We call this ability “church growth eyes”. Church growth eyes are a cultivated sensitivity to see people as Jesus saw them, as winnable for the kingdom of God. This also involves “church growth ears”, which has to do with listening to the unspoken needs of those around us. It has to do with listening to their hearts’ longing for something they do not have, even if they have not openly expressed it.
Ask the Lord to make you sensitive to the ministry of the Holy Spirit in the lives of others. Pray that God will give you the second touch and open your eyes to the spiritual opportunities He brings before you each day to share your faith with others. Seek God for a seeing eye, a listening sensitive heart, and a willingness to share the Christ you know and love with others, and you will be on your way to an exciting journey of a lifetime. Life will take on a whole new meaning. You will have a sense of satisfaction and joy that you have never experienced before. Only those who work for souls can know the satisfaction it can bring.
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I am sure that the writers missed out one of the most effective ways of dealing with difficult people - keeping your mouth shut! When Jesus was before Caiaphas the high priest, he held his peace. And again, before Pilate:
His demeanour was such that on the cross:
Sometimes the best way of dealing with difficult people is silence. I am not saying that it is the only way, but sometimes our silence says more than words.
It is rather a trite illustration but when I was an indoor student at Avondale College, I was the butt of some student pranks. I came back to my bed one night and found it was full of cereal an honey. In high indignation, I went off and reported it to the assistant boy's dean. He was wise beyond his years and advised me to do nothing because the more I reacted the more the other boys would do it. The next night my bed was once again full of cereal and honey (I was running out of sheets by this time) but I followed the assistant dean's advice and said nothing. Some years later a friend of mine asked me what happened that night. I told him the advice that I had been given. He told me that he and his mates had waited up till 2 am that night for me to emerge from my room. They had buckets of water at the ready for me, but I had defeated them with my silence.
All too often, we are ready to jump to the defence of Christianity with difficult people when all they really want is a good fight. Sometimes our silence in such circumstances speaks more eloquently than words ever could.
Can we learn something from Jesus' silence?
"Sometimes the best way of dealing with difficult people is silence."
I agree! When I was young, my boss took me to a soccer game, and someone threw some orange peelings at me. I turned around to spot the culprit. My boss warned me: "Don't. Pretend it doesn't bother you, and they will get tired of the game." I am glad I followed his advice.
Maurice - I am sorry to hear that you experienced such awful pranks in your youth, but glad to find that you chose your response wisely. So many people who experience traumatic events continue to deal with the emotional fall-out long after the event occurred; some dealing with this for the rest of their lives.
PTSD - Post-traumatic stress disorder is the discriptive name given when struggling with unresolved emotional pain, which so many experience as part of living in a violence-prone society. I am sure that many 'difficult people' are found among those that suffered such trauma, and only God can truly heal these wounds.
Would you agree that 'keeping one's mouth shut' can also be used as an act of 'avoidance' when dealing with difficult people? Certainly, sometime 'silence is gold', especially if the silence 'nips in the bud' the start or the escalation of hostility we prefer to avoid.
Jesus, though, came into this world to offer God's new Covenant to man - to show a new direction, to expose a great lie, a misconception and outright malfeasance by the religious authorities - what was He to do other than to confront?
Jesus' ministry was taking place in an environment which exposed Him constantly to 'dealing with difficult people'! Even His disciples were still 'a work in progress'.
John12:3-8 - The only time I am aware of that speaks to Jesus' own comfort, describes Mary anointing the feet of Jesus, and even this event is not free of tension. The priests started to 'consult with each other to also put Lazarus to death', the one He had just resurrected.
Everywhere Jesus went to broadcast the Light of Heaven, this Light exposed the powers and deeds of darkness - this was the purpose of the heavenly Light! We can see that, by its very nature, the message of His ministry is divisive and solicites a vigorous response from all who hear it, but the truly vicious response comes from the 'religious authority'. They have the most to loose and are not willing to give it up.
Matt.27:1-14 - Jesus was given His authority from His Father in Heaven. The representatives of the authority of the prince of this earth stood up in opposition to Him; there was no 'way' available for Him to show respect to them. I think He respected the Governor's authority, but also only answered him indirectly when saying 'Thou sayest', avoiding a verbal exchange with him - Matt.27:11.
Jesus did not 'respect' the authority of the religious establishment - they were given charge to lead the flock to God, but lead them straight to the abyss.
He did not attempt to avoid 'hurting their feelings' by 'beating around the bush'. He needed to expose the authority they operated under; this was part of His work! He knew who's authority it was they payed allegiance to and needed to take Satan straight by engaging them/him in the dialogue that would bring to light and show to them their lies, self-serving and self-empowering motives.
Eph.6:10-18 - This was spiritual warfare then and it is the same today. Our heavenly Father has given us the understanding that we do not fight against flesh and blood, that we need to always keep our spiritual armor at the ready.
Jesus gave us His Holy Spirit; no need to deal with anyone on our 'own', especially not difficult people. Yes, there is a silence - it is being still/quiet within ourselves. He will always point out the right 'tactic' when engaging with others.
We can only say: "Praise God"!, seeing that we have been offered such mighty power to guide us when dealing with difficult people.
I wouldn't waste to much time feeling sorry for me Brigitte. I soon learned to give as much as I took. Dormitory life was full of pranks, some of them I am proud of; others are a bit embarrassing. And when we get together at reunions most of us retell the pranks, much to the amusement of the others. And we all think we have embroided them a bit over the years as we grow older.
Regarding speaking out: Yes there are times when it is appropriate to speak out. I try to remember is that once we have said it, we cannot take it back. That calls for the "wisdom of serpents and the harmlessness of doves".
Maurice - Glad to hear that you escaped the College experience without serious scars! 🙂
I wonder about the state of mind of those Christians as they are being persecuted by the great persecuting powers throughout the ages? Do you think that they were looking for a way out by appeasing the powers, or did they believe they needed to take a stand!? They took a stand!
Jesus send His desciples to the lost sheep of the House of Isreal, first. Giving them the advise to "be wise as serpents and harmless as doves", was probably to assess the present circumstances,(the sensitivities of the Jews), so not to cause additional 'upset'. The Word would still retain its power!
Is there ever a time when it would be more expedient to take God's Word back? We can say it carefully, rephrase it, so not to 'offend' the sensitivities of the hearer, but God's Power always remaines invested in His Word.
Heb.4:12 - This verse tells everything we need to know about the power inherent in God's Word. Do we open the dialouge with this verse? - probably not! God's Word does not need an apologist - 'a person who offers an argument in defense of something controversial'! It needs a strong, solid, faithful vessel making him/herselve available as the carrier of God's Truth.
Matt.10:5-42 -
Have we found ourselves in the midst of 'wolves', lately? Who is coming after us to threaten our lifes? Maybe that is why the Church of today is lukewarm - they err on the side of caution! The leadership might be more interested in maintaining good standing in the eyes of man to proof that we know 'how to get along', rather then maintain their 'good standing' in God's eyes.
Times will come when we need to know how to take a stand; might as well start practicing now.
Matt.10:14; Matt.10:17-20; Matt.10:21,22; Matt.10:26-28; Matt.10:32-37; Matt.10:38-40.
To me dealing with difficult people is the "mother" of all personal challenges between human beings. I recognize by experience (and I have a little bit of experience myself, I'm 63 years old), that dealing effectively with difficult people takes a cultivated relational art form, patience, maturity, self assurance, but almost impossible to achieve successfully unless you've had yourself first and foremost a sustained and lengthy close personal relationship with Jesus Christ. Under such circumstances, the most gratifying feeling of one being a means of bringing a difficult person around to change his or her ways and to accept Jesus, is not of a selfish nature or chest beating behavior of our own, but rather thankfully observing the wonderful true love and transformation work of Jesus' impression on that person's life.
What stands out to me is that these 'difficult' people are the 'average' people we meet in our everyday life, encountering them within our own families or whenever we are out and about. To deal with them effectively is, as I see it, a two-pronged effort.
Some are difficult to communicate with because of their personality, some because they harbor malice in their heart, and there is, I am sure, a combination that includes both. I do not wish to alienate anyone, and in the context of reaching out as a witness, this caution becomes even more heightened.
My at times a bit blunt, direct communication style comes from my German heritage as well as my personality. I look at the American communication style as one that prefers 'beating around the bush' - trying not to offend whiles saying something that 'might' offend. Germans have a somewhat thicker skin and do not mind engaging in the sharing of opinions without taking what is being said 'personal'. In my opinion, there is nothing better than coming to the 'point' quickly - it saves time. (that's another German trade)🙂
I think that Jesus' style was similar - always shooting straight! 🙂 The setting is the temple in Jerusalem. All the temple officials are gathered to find cause to ensnare Jesus by laying theological traps. In my reading/studying, I expanded the Mark12:28-34 reference to start with v. 18. It shows that all these 'difficult' people had 'ill will' on their mind and in their heart.
The scribe, observing the back and forth, did not display this same spirit of malice. Jesus noticed it right away, saying: Mark 12:34 - ...'Thou art not 'far' from the kingdom of God'. This is a remarkable statement! With His comment, Jesus pointed out the Spirit of God working in the scribe's life already. He could see that the scribe's mind and heart were open to receiving the message He had come to bring to the world.
Yes, everywhere Jesus went, His focus was on the spiritual 'potential' of those around Him - them becoming the children of God. The remark: seeing someone like the scribe, Peter and Andrew as furthering 'church-growth' appears to me more than a bit tacky. The increase in the numbers of those coming to join a 'church' is the by-product of the ministry of Christ, not the end. They are joining the family of God.
Jesus' saying: "Follow Me, and I will make you fishers of men" is changing Andrew's and Peter's mindset, which up to now could only feed the body, and transformed/inspired them to do their 'gathering' to benefit the Kingdom of God.
Mark12:33 - The scribe will go about his life with a new spiritual clarity, because Jesus affirmed that what the scribe said:'loving God with all our heart, understanding, soul, and strength, and to love others as one loves oneself', "is more important than all whole burnt offerings and sacrifices". He could see the Light in the new convenant which is based on Faith!
Luke 23:39-43 is describing that everyone is eligible to become a 'Child of God'. The respect we pay to the criminal is the same respect we pay to all fellow human beings. We separate their deeds, the Spirit and their weakness to resist evil when it tempted them to commit the crime, from the person we choose to show compassion to - God sees the whole human being, a soul - and does not want that any should perish.
Compassion is the blanket that filters out the sin so we can see the sinner. We are empowered to reach out to those that are willing to show remorse, and those that do not, with the same compassion that Jesus expressed when He addressed the thief on the cross and assured him that he will be with Him in Paradise.
As the lesson writer says: "Ask the Lord to make you sensitive to the ministry of the Holy Spirit in the lives of others. ... Life will take on a whole new meaning". ..
Thank you Brigitte for your comment. I appreciated your thoughts.
Liz - I appreciate that you are letting me know that my thoughts touched you - thank you!
I concur with much of what you said about Jesus approach but remember that He knew their thoughts and their hearts and responded appropriately. We must pray for the Holy Spirit’s guidance to determine when the direct approach is appropriate and when a less confrontational approach is best. In some instances because of cultural differences, bluntness is considered to be rudeness and closes the person off. My prayer is that we all receive discernment to know how to approach all those He sends our way.
CJ - Thank you for your comments in response to my post! Certainly, one would not want to be knowingly rude or behave inappropriately!
Because you commented, I thought to go online to clarify the meaning of: 'blunt vs. direct', and 'rude'. I found the following:
'There is a subtle difference between being blunt and being direct. Being blunt is being honest, but often in a rude manner. Being direct is being honest and genuine while diplomatic and respectful. They are both forms of honesty, but the difference is all in the tone and feel'.
I am still learning the meaning of many English words. From now on, I will discribe my disposition as being 'direct', instead of 'blunt'. I certainly do not want to come across as rude or blunt in any form - Thank you again for replying! It stirred me to want to 'dig a little deeper'.
I also looked up 'rude' and found the following:
'Rudeness can be based on culture changes and society strain. For example, one could be considered rude by some cultures when placing ellbows on the table whiles eating. Other cultures consider tipping, whistling, open-mouth laughing, showing up on time, opening a gift in the precense of the giver, not rejecting a gift, doing pretty much anything left-handed, blowing your nose. As you can see, one can be 'rude' without knowing it.
The following is a display of 'conduct' that no one would excuse: "Rude behavior, it seems, is ubiquitous(present, appearing or found everywhere). It can happen anywhere, anytime, and take the form of interrupting, judging, admonishing, ignoring someone or talking down to others. Some days, it can feel like we are living in "the age of insolence."
We can easily see that, by 'opening one's mouth' we can 'open the door' to invite trouble. Yes, to avoid undue trouble, we resolve to always request the counsel of the Holy Spirit. 🙂
I am joining you in prayer "that we all receive discernment to know how to approach all those He sends our way"!
The two greatest commandments: to love God with all your mind, soul, heart, and strength and love your neighbor as yourself.
Many who claim to love God do not love their neighbors or Church brothers and sisters as they supposedly love themselves. Which presses the question, those who show arrogance, impatience, a controlling and judgmental spirit probably do not have a spiritual healthy love for themselves.
Is this part of the problem the religious leaders of Jesus's days had. Is narcissism a problem with some Church members? I want to pray for them and understand how to deal with some difficult people that are Church members. I see my own flaws and ask the Lord to transform me every day. Yet, some do not seem to change ever.
Thank you Brigitte for your very thought provoking post. I particularly like the statement: Compassion is the blanket that filters out the sin so we can see the sinner.
I have learnt that if when I interact with others I allow emotions like anger, frustration, disappointment, embarrassment, hurt etc to cloud my vision, I tend to treat them in a negative manner. On the other hand, the Holy Spirit has made me realize that when I look at others through the eyes of compassion, my response to them brings positive outcomes.
My prayer every day is: Lord, please help me to look at others through the eyes of compassion
Thank you for sharing your thoughts, J.Rae - Yes, happy is the person who has the desire to ask God to reveal truth about themselves through introspection. Matt.7:3-5 lets us know that everyone has a 'beam' in their eye. This 'beam', even if small, can profoundly distort interaction with others.
I am glad that you chose to ask the Lord to 'clear your vision'.:-)
As I have gotten older (I am now past 80) I find that just listening to what the other is saying, letting them express their frustrations and concerns. If a scripture does not come to my mind, I just wait and pray for them. God opens the door for us to share in His time and in His way.
“When my eyes are on Jesus and not on those around me, this is a place of peace”.
Today I picked this one,
"So the scribe said to Him, “Well said, Teacher. You have spoken the truth, for there is one God, and there is no other but He. And to love Him with all the heart, with all the understanding, with all the soul, and with all the strength, and to love one’s neighbor as oneself, is more than all the whole burnt offerings and sacrifices.” Mark 12:32-33.
It is quite easier to say that others are "difficult people"! But much harder to recognize that we may also be it. In a sense, we are all "difficult people". We are a stubborn species, rebel against our own house (planet) and almost never accept our limitations! Why do we war against each other? Why is there hungry people in the world while some throw food in the garbage? It might be easier to deal with "difficult people" when we really start to recognize our own limitations and that we ourselves need a change of heart too, which can be freely achieved by the simple contemplation of God's love.
Judge me, O God, and plead my cause against an ungodly nation....Ps 43:1
Dealing With Difficult People
It is easy dealing with difficult people who are not your family especially if you don't have to see them every day. Find another job, another road, witness in another village, etc. My motto is as long as they don't take my job I am ok. But if they take it, the Lord probably has a better one for me. If they try to keep me down from promotion, the little I have will be blessed and will make do.
But my problem is- how do you deal with difficult people when they are your family/relatives. I have a problem presently with three siblings, they would text me things that are hurtful. But I can see Satan at the core at this. The more I respond, the more they will be drawing me into their net. I came to the decision after praying that I will block them from my phone and I did that two days ago. But as I reasoned with Jesus I realized how lonely, desperate, ignorant about the facts they probably are. I am thinking I will open it back to them sometime in the future.
Paul stated- I am crucified with Christ, nevertheless I live...
Gal 2:20. I can see Satan trying to bring up my past life that was once crucified with Christ.
Bro JC made a good point, what if the difficult person is us? Ask the other person they will say they are good but we are the difficult ones. It is only Jesus who will reveal who is the difficult one. David thought Uriah was very difficult, Joseph brothers thought Joseph was the difficult one, so was Jesus when he had to deal with his family.
How to deal with "difficult" people? What is Jesus' example in dealing with ME?
Two passages of scripture come to mind on this subject of dealing with those who are difficult to deal with.
Ex 34:6,7
Eph 4:2,3
Also, two great examples to study are: Moses leading Israel, and Jesus' work among the Jews of His day. A close study of these two lives will help one to realize why those sealed will sing the song of Moses and the Lamb.