Monday: Advice to Parents
Compare Ephesians 6:4; Colossians 3:21. What motivation does Colossians 3:21 provide for avoiding irritating one’s children?
<p Sirach, a Jewish document available in Paul’s day, advises fathers about the treatment of their sons: “He who loves his son will whip him often. . . . Pamper a child, and he will terrorize you; play with him, and he will grieve you. . . . Discipline your son and make his yoke heavy, so that you may not be offended by his shamelessness” (Sirach 30:1,9,13).
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Paul’s counsel bears a very different tone. He first addresses a negative command to fathers: “Do not provoke your children to anger,” followed by a positive one, “Bring them up in the discipline and instruction of the Lord” (Ephesians 6:4). In Paul’s day, fathers had complete legal power over their children, who were regarded as his property. Fathers had the right to inflict violent punishment, even death, on their children. Indeed, in some respects a father’s power over his children exceeded a master’s authority over his slaves. Paul is not endorsing such power but is boldly clarifying and reshaping family relationships. In the context of a supreme loyalty to Christ, Paul invites Christian fathers to rethink their use of power since children who are provoked to anger will not be well positioned to accept “the discipline and instruction of the Lord” (Ephesians 6:4).
“Fathers and mothers, in the home you are to represent God’s disposition. You are to require obedience, not with a storm of words, but in a kind, loving manner. . . .
“Be pleasant in the home. Restrain every word that would arouse unholy temper. ‘Fathers, provoke not your children to wrath,’ is a divine injunction. . . .
“No license is given in God’s Word for parental severity or oppression or for filial disobedience. The law of God, in the home life and in the government of nations, flows from a heart of infinite love.”—Ellen G. White, Child Guidance, p. 259.
| Though the context of the lesson here deals with parents and children, what principles can be taken from these texts that should impact how we should deal with all other people? |
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Phew! If there is one part of my parenting that I would like to rerun with all that I know now, it is when my kids were teenagers. Teenagers seem to have an emotional block on good behaviour and take it out on their parents. Doors get slammed, and angry words are exchanged for apparently no good reason. My daughter got cranky with us and walked 2km to a friend's house to cool off. Then she rang her grandmother in Queensland. Thank God for grandmothers! And now that my daughter has two teenage sons, guess who they talk to when they think their parents are the worst in the world. Carmel is the coolest grandma around.
Did I learn anything at all being a parent of teenagers. Yes, I did - three things.
1) When the temperature starts to rise the best strategy is to say, "We will talk about this tomorrow!" The next day gives a different perspective for us parents.
2) Always ensure that no matter what they do, we are always there for our kids.
3) Choose good grandparents for your kids.
on number 3, its like saying choose good parents for yourselves. How do we do that!
It was a figure of speech emphasising the important role that we grandparents play in the lives of our grandchildren.
Children do not belong to the parents only,they also belong to the Lord.Whatever parents command to their children,it should be easily obeyed and also reasonable.The fountains of domestic authority are the fathers.Fathers are to pass some skills and character to their children to enable them to live a life which gives glory to the Lord.
When parents are inflicting punishment on their children,they must control their temper.Fathers should use their authority moderately and to the glory of God.There are some behaviours which fathers must totally avoid,those which will lead the children to annoyance,irritation or anger.Fathers can use the rod not out of anger,it is to be used in moderation and reason.
Children can be provoked by:
(i)severe or unreasonable discipline
(ii) anger
(iii)favouring other children
(iv)harsh demands
(v)making children feel they are not worthy,not important or they are of no value,or humiliation
(vi)neglect or not providing for their needs
(vii)giving your children standards which are not clear
(viii)discipline without instruction or which is not explained
In Laura Ingalls Wilder’s “Farmer Boy”, she illustrates how her husband trained an ox for work. He knew that whipping the animal just made the ox angry and fearful, and ultimately stubborn. Instead, Almonzo yoked the new ox with an older trained one to lead him into learning how to pull the plow and respond to the master’s commands and gentle goading. He also spoke gently and kindly to the animal and rewarded right behavior.
Now, animals are not people and people are not animals, but the Lord used this chapter in the book to show me how to discipline my own children many years ago. Indeed, how to deal with anyone in my sphere of influence or responsibility.
Education is difficult but essential challenge for society. Another relational aspect is herein mentioned by Paul, now parents-sons/daughters. Love has also to be the foundation of this, although here the projection of principles must continually be repeated, in the search for concepts fixation. The main responsability relies on the fact, pointed by Paul, that good and bad behaviors (or patterns) can be replicated for generations, since the youth is much more susceptible to the social environment.
Very, Very interesting to me as to how all the two verses of Ephesians 6:4 and Colossians 3:21 are both directed to "Fathers," but not "Mothers." It is both Mothers and Fathers that together comprise "Parents." So then why does the Apostle Paul only address "Fathers," in these two verses about "Parental Biblical Counsel?"
In Paul's day, where it was the wife's duty to look after the kids while the fathers attended to the business of life, Paul's nessage was quite radical. He was essentially saying to fathers to get their act together and do a bit of loving parenting. I would imagine some of the men in the congregation saying, "That's women's business!"
And in all fairness, not much has changed. We men are inclined to think of parenting as a part-time job for us.
Ok. However, in this day and age and in our Untied States, there are children that become "Provoked," by their mothers to wrath etc. Also, the fifth Commandment is about "Honoring" both the Father and the Mother, and both Fathers and Mothers have their Fathers and their Mothers to have to abide by that "Fifth Commandment," too. So I can see the Apostle Peters' claim that the Apostle Paul wrote things that were difficult to be understood in that day and that age.
Paul wrote in the first century in the Christian Era and we live in the twenty-first. We should not expect Paul to be politically correct as perceived now. I am sure that if there were any mothers who were "provoking their children to wrath" in Ephesus, they would have got the message too.
If, in a classroom, I saw young Johnny about to shoot a spitball on to the ceiling, I would issue the statement, "Johnny, don't shoot spitballs at the ceiling!" Now only a pernickety student would use the excuse that it only applies to Johnny.
Here’s an article I wrote to give ideas to parents of how we can use a kind and Christ-like method of parenting. If you’re serious about improving your parenting skills there is discussion and other ideas about parenting in the comment section following the article. I’d like hear any ideas people might have.
https://www.fastmissions.com/article/memorization-in-the-home
I also believe when God’s Spirit is poured out on His people God is helping parents and children remove all sin so that God can bless them with His power.
This short video has helped me realize to pray for not necessarily for my needs first (including parenting needs), but for revival as seen in Matt 6:33.
https://youtu.be/RJZnm1fxrWg?si=rYmXEvm6TnqkSnqN
My sincere prayer is that parents who were raised in a culture where “children should be seen and not heard” and also resorted to harsh punishment of their children will read, reflect, and ask their children for forgiveness.
These children are the ones who are now adults and have difficulty forming relationships, are in and out of trouble, or have a difficult time trusting others. They have been betrayed, broken, and hurt by people who were in their foundational social circle. The sad part of this is that many of these parents were and are Adventists.
Children live what they learn and maybe just maybe our society would be a little better if there was less criticism, hostility, ridicule, and shame in the home. May we as we read this have homes filled with encouragement, praise, fairness, security, approval, acceptance, friendship, and God centered not in word only but in deed.
Eph.6:4 - “Bring them up in the discipline and instruction of the Lord” tells me that parents are admonished to teach their children how and why Jesus wants them to conduct themselves in a certain way. Both, the parent’s and child’s conduct are to align with His teachings, morals, and ethics, and not the teachings, behavior, reasoning and justifications of the world.
I agree with Ellen White’s statement – ‘Fathers [and mothers], provoke not your children to wrath’ - to be a divine injunction. There is nothing more important between parents and their children than to properly understand the responsibilities the parent or caregiver has toward the child, and the child's willingness to learn to trust its parents to do right by them.
Once parents are introduced to Jesus Christ’s Way of living, expected to learn to train themselves as they train their children, this will become a humbling experience with much soul searching for both of them.
If done in humbleness of heart, this would include for the parent to make amends for hurtful and inconsistent conduct, and for the child to understand that hostile behavior toward the parent in response to his/her shortcomings is not the correct/best response.
Hindsight is 20/20 – I am certain parents raising their children will find many mistakes in the way they brought them up, but it is never too late to humble ourselves and find an opportunity to share with them what is on our heart and mind regarding these incidents and, if needed, to seek their understanding and forgiveness.
I'm not a parent, but my answer to the final question is that in every relationship that I have some measure of authority, I should use it, not to get my own way, but to create an atmosphere where the person can grow to develop a relationship with the Lord. I guess we'd call this discipleship. Harshness actually works against this process. Many of my peers have left the church and I wonder how many could trace this back to the parenting they received.
In Paul’s day, fathers had absolute control over their children.
They used their position of power to provoke their children to anger. Colossians 3:21, Says if we provoke our children to anger, they could be discouraged. They will become less likely to accept or respect our counsel. Children are not perfect just like parents is not perfect.
Instead we should "Bring them up in the training and admonition of the Lord." Parents act as intermediaries between God and their children. Children get their concept of God from their parents. Child Guidance: “Fathers and mothers, in the home you are to represent God’s disposition. You are to require obedience, not with a storm of words, but in a kind, loving manner.