Sunday: Dysfunction at Home
Joseph knew about dysfunctional families. It had already started with his great-grandparents, Abraham and Sarah. When Sarah realized that she was barren, she had convinced Abraham to go to her servant Hagar. As soon as Hagar was pregnant, the rivalry began. Growing up in this atmosphere, Ishmael and Isaac took the tension into their own families. Isaac made a point of favoring Esau, and Jacob spent his life trying to earn his father’s love and respect. Later on, Jacob was tricked into marrying two sisters who did not get along and competed with each other through a childbearing race, even enlisting their maids to bear Jacob’s children.
Review the incident detailed in Genesis 34:1-31. What kind of emotional and relational impact would all this incident have had on the family as a whole and on young Joseph, as well?
Image © Pacific Press at Goodsalt.com
The rivalry between the mothers obviously spilled over to the children, who grew up ready to pick a fight. As young adults, Joseph’s older brothers already had massacred all the males in the town of Shechem. The oldest brother Reuben displayed dominance and defiance to his aging father by sleeping with Bilhah, Rachel’s maid and the mother of several of Jacob’s children (Genesis 35:22). Meanwhile, Joseph’s brother Judah mistook his widowed daughter-in-law for a prostitute and ended up having twins with her (Genesis 38).
Jacob added fuel to the fire of all this family tension by his obvious favoritism toward Joseph in giving him an expensive colorful coat (Genesis 37:3). If ever there was a dysfunctional family, the patriarch’s family could have competed with it.
Why do you think that Abraham, Isaac, and Jacob are all listed as faith heroes in Hebrews 11:17-22 when you consider their messy family relationships?
God’s faith champions often fall short of their own and God’s expectations. These men are listed in Hebrews 11 not because of their messy family relationships but in spite of them. They learned — often the hard way — about faith, love, and trust in God as they wrestled with these family issues.
| What family dysfunction have you inherited? How can surrendering yourself to the Lord and His ways help break that pattern, at least for the future? |
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We need to cut to the quick on this one. We can quote God's ideal to one another as much as we like, but when it comes to dysfunctional families it is just as big a problem for the church as it is for the rest of the world. I have many stories I could use to illustrate the successes and failures of disfunctional families, but as you can probably appreciate, such stories involving real people, even heavily disguised, can often be recognised even years after the event.
We often try to handle disfunction by discipline and scriptural admonition. All too often we forget the compassion. A family that has torn itself to bits for some reason, has a greater need for compassion than discipline. Sometimes it is impossible to glue the bits back together and they need the sort of understanding that supports getting their lives together separately.
John the Baptists work was described thus:
I think the phrase "to turn the hearts of the fathers to the children" is a reference to healing the wounds of broken and dysfunctional families.
So often when church folk experience a family breakdown, they also experience an invasive witch-hunt to determine who was at fault and often one or both parties will leave the church. That does not need to happen, and I have seen many examples of love and support for broken families.
Jesus said of himself, quoting Isaiah:
The greatest source of brokenheartedness today, is broken family relationships. And perhaps we need to learn how to provide an environment for healing.
I totally agree with you on this, Maurice. But unfortunately, we humans sometimes simply do not understand the language of love God wants us to. Then this language has to change from sweet to bitter. And sadly but true, we can be forgiven by God, but that does not mean that the consequences will not follow! May God have mercy on us all! We are all short, Jesus is the one to complete us!
"God’s faith champions often fall short of their own and God’s expectations" and yet their names are listed in Hebrews for their faith in God. This gives me hope today as I wressle to love, show compassion/understanding within my own sinful family as 5 adilts living under the same roof! Praise God for His example of love and forgiveness of our short comings which we can then bestoe upon our own families.
I believe you raise a vital point Maurice regarding 'God's ideal' in contrast with present reality under the progressively ever-deteriorating/passing away sin-infected state of this world (1 John 2:17; 1 Cor 7:31). I agree with you that compassion is the link in how God necessarily navigates redeeming and restoring us amidst our present 'fallen' reality on the step-by-step journey from 'ideal lost' at Genesis 3 to its climax of 'ideal once again regained' in Revelation 21,22.
Today's lesson states "God’s faith champions often fall short of their own and God’s expectations." I would propose that the notion that God has "expectations" of us subtly but nevertheless powerfully reinforces a sense of God 'expecting' us to conform to the ideal - and in doing so obscures the view that God understands that we are far from the ideal and is therefore compassionately dealing with present reality.
Lest some misunderstand, I am not saying God is compromising the ideal - for the ideal is in fact immutable (intrinsically unchangeable). However, God is The Master of knowing how to compassionately relate to us in a manner that best assists us on the above-mentioned journey.
Thus, rather than characterising God as having expectations of us, I would propose that God has aspirations for us that He compassionately strives to assist us ever closer towards.
So thank you for bringing God's compassionate nature and character front and centre in His dealings with us to actually redeem and restore us - that by beholding we too might also grow in our compassion towards others (2 Cor 3:18).
I agree so much with your comment concerning God’s expectations of us. He already knows our history, our faults, weaknesses and family failures. It’s restoration that God offers and provides as we are willing.
I agree expectations isn't the best word, as expecting sinful humans to not sin is not realistic (at least not when you consider the spirit of the law and not just the letter). We need God's power to meet the aspirations He has for us
I love this: "God has aspirations for us." It has a hopeful ring of expectancy while "God has expectations for us" has the ring of possible condemnation for not meeting expectations.
Unfortunately we often present an unlovable picture of God - as in writing of God's "expectations of us" rather than his "aspirations for us."
Yesterday, I belatedly watched Ty Gibson's presentation of "The First Gospel Promise" on the new Light Bearer ROKU Channel, and he assures us that "God is more beautiful than you think." In his presentations he constantly presents God as beautiful and a lover of beauty, as unimaginably loving and "safe."
"The First Gospel Promise" is part of the Light Bearer convocation, and you can see it for free at https://lightbearers.org/convocation/#schedule as the first message at the convocation. All it takes is a free registration. I heartily recommend it.
Dysfunction at Home
Maurice- while that might be true what you said about compassion, sin had caused all families to be dysfunctional and we cant change that no matter how much compassion we applied to the sore. The sore is large, smelly, running and not looking good. Many times I see compassion to some situations as a bandage, a cover up but the problems are still there. The question is; did the Lord showed love and compassion to those families of old, yes most certainly but their consequences for sins cont down throughout generations. Even the cities of refuse were built for the guilty but what happened if they guilty refused to literally ran to those cities, weren't they killed and be justified in the sight of the Lord and men?
Many times we go about blaming the father, mother, or parents for the child/ren behavior when we dont even certain how the story developed. Rebellious children!!!
I am not entirely sure of the point you are making here Lyn, but compassion accomplishes more than condemnation. We cannot make the water go backwards under the bridge and there are always consequences to consider. But true compassion helps to heal the wounds, even if it can do nothing about the scars. We do not need to find who is to blame.
Two men are involved in a fight, both are wounded seriously and end up in hospital. The doctor does not ask who is to blame before treating his patients. He treats on a needs basis. The man who is in the greatest need gets treated first, irrespective of who is to blame.
Compassion means showing pity, sympathy for others in their misfortune.
Yes Maurice, but the story cont beyond the doctor hospital. One or both file a civil complaint. Now it is in the hands of the law. They went to court and had to stand before the judge. One is right and one is wrong. Dont you thing the one who was wrong had to pay for their wrong doings, yes he had to pay restitution. How did the judge show compassion of the one who was wrong?
How many people get robust calls all day long from people who come with sad stories? Should we show compassion on them, all of them, some of them, non of them?
How do we treat people who stands and beg for money to buy food? Should we pass them by strait, give them the money or take them to get the food?
How do we treat a person we definitely knew is addicted to drugs who is a family member? Do we feed into their addiction using compassion thinking by using compassion and giving him money will help him to see Jesus in us?
The question remains;
1. Under what circumstances did Jesus show compassion?
e.g leaving John the Baptist in prison, another was whipping the sellers in the temple?
2. Under what circumstances should compassion be shown?
3. Do we misunderstood the word compassion?
Hi Lyn
When I read Maurice's post, I see him suggesting that we adopt a compassionate orientation when working to restore 'dysfunctional' family situations - as opposed to adopting a 'witch-hunt' approach.
I am trying to better understand the point you are making. Are you suggesting that there are times where we should not be responding to people compassionately? Do you see compassion as only providing a cover-up bandage that avoids dealing with the problem?
Lyn, I see compassion a little differently than you do:
Particularly, I see the modern meaning of "pity" as being distinct from compassion, and that's why people do not generally want "pity." (Pity implies looking at people kindly from a superior position.)
To me "compassion" means feeling *with* people in their difficult situation. It means coming alongside them, rather than making a judgment from above. There may be times when even, with compassion, "tough love" needs to be exercised because it is the best thing for the individual. But let's be sure that we have first come alongside them and put ourselves in the shoes of the person we are dealing with.
[This story appears in several places on the web but without stating the original source. Moderator]
A girl by name Fatima went to school in the neighbouring village where she wasn't known well.
For three weeks, she came to school late and every time the teacher punished her.
On the fourth week, Fatima didn't attend school at all and many thought she had *GIVEN UP* on school due to the everyday punishment.
However, Fatima reported again on fifth week and this time she came earlier than everybody.
When the teacher came to class, Fatima was punished for not attending school the previous week but the teacher was also kind enough to commend her for coming early that day, stating that the punishments had finally yielded some results.
Just then, Fatima asked if she could say something and the teacher gave her permission.
*She started :*
_"I've been raised up by a single mother without a brother or a sister. Five weeks ago, my mother fell ill and was hospitalized. The three weeks I came late, I had to prepare something for her every morning and pass by the hospital to deliver the same. Unfortunately, mother passed away last week and that's the reason I didn't come to school. We buried her last Friday. Today I came early since I didn't have to prepare anything or even pass by the hospital. And now that she is gone, I will always be here early''_
As she sat down, no one in the whole class was able to hold their tears, the teacher was not spared either.
*Lesson:*
How many times do we judge others for things we know not?
We ask questions like:
- When will you get married?
- When will you have kids?
- When will you find a job?
-When will you buy a car?
-When will you build a house?
etc....
Do we attempt to understand their situations or we just judge from the *case scenarios*?
Some situations are not relative and what we think could be very far from the truth.
Don't assume you know what others go through or that people move in the same pace or direction as you
_*Life is far from that..*_
Just be kind enough to love one another as God has commanded,
take time and kindly find out why your friend is not phoning,
why your messages are not being replied promptly,
why they haven't visited,
why they are not coming to worship,
why someone is missing in our midst as a colleague, friend, brother or sister,
why someone is always late etc
*Be kind always.*
*Be nice to others*.
God Himself instituted family in Eden and that family was a School with its own laws made by God. Therefore, families were not to function without abiding by those laws and rules be they Fathers, Mothers, Sons and Daughters. The moment Adam and Eve broke the one law of not touching the forbidden fruit, problems found its way in the family. God in His wisdom instituted animal sacrifices as forgiveness for Sin and Adam and Eve were instructed to teach their children. They taught Cain and Abel to obey those instructions anytime they needed forgiveness of sin. And what happened when Cain and Abel brought their offering to God. Abel obeyed while Cain disobeyed. Had they not been taught God's instruction? Adam and Eve did their parental duty but one of their children disobeyed.
Parents must bear in mind that they have a duty to teach their children God's oracles.
The Bible says : Train up a child in the way he should go : and when he is old , he will not depart from it. Proverbs 22 :6.
A story is told of a nephew who visited his uncle on one of his vacations. One day while this nephew was walking at the back of his uncle's house he saw something strange. A mango in a bottle hanging on the branch of the mango tree. He was puzzled as to how the mango could be in the bottle so he asked his uncle and the uncle said : My nephew ,while the mango began to grow I pushed it into the bottle and while it was growing it was growing in the bottle. This is what Parents should do. Push your little ones into the bottle and as they grow, they will be growing in the bottle. The bottle can be compared to the Church and as far as I know teaching Children Christian values will be of prime importance. I know of Pastors whose children have become Pastors. Teachers, Nurses etc. whose children have taken up their profession. There is a proverb that says : A crab cannot give birth to a bird.
Dysfunction at home may be many factors but I want us to look at the following :
1. Where families live.
2. The Character of Parents.
3. The people our Children make friends with.
4. The School our Children attend
I wish to state that it takes pains and relentless effort to bring dysfunction of the family to an end and I would suggest the following;
1. Family Worship
2. Dinning Together
3. Interacting Together
4. Doing Evangelism
5. Helping the Needy
There was a diagram I saw about how families will function better.
God at the top of it. Father and Mother occupying the base of the diagram and the Children in the midst of the diagram. This means that the father, mother and their children have a good relationship with God who is the source of all goodness for the family.
However, whatever the lesson talks about whether good or bad should not discourage us for Paul says : Now all these happened unto them for examples : and they are written for our admonition, upon whom the ends of the world are come. 1 Corinthians 10 : 11.
Let's have faith for faith conquers the world.
Matthew 7:1-3 comes to mind, when it comes to "how" we in our piousness tend to view others without knowing the "true" story. For me the dysfunctional families mentioned in the lesson, gives me hope that I have an opportunity to be one of the faithful. Romans 7:24,25 put it this way Oh wretched man that I am. Each and everyone of the faithful realized their inadequacy and need of a savior. Yes they fell, sometimes majorly. They alway got up and ran TO Jesus. In realizing my need for a savior, it makes me have more compassion on others. Almost like Jesus suffering, because he has suffered everything I can possible go through. This gives him the ability to comfort me because he understands by experience my pain. The gulfs that exist between family members can only be closed by the indwelling of the Spirit in both parties. That is the only way for true reconciliation.
The family is one of satan's biggest target. He knows that if he can shred the family he can likewise shred the church and finally the community. May the blood of Jesus covers us as we work through family differences
The king’s household and the pauper’s household – familial dysfunction is no respecter of status. The tentacles of family disfunction reach into all areas of living and can last a lifetime – but there is the Grace of the Father to wipe away the tears. People are unsettled and take their unsettledness wherever they go, contributing to communal dysfunction – a snowball effect – but there is rest found in Christ Jesus. The observable effects of dysfunction vary, the impact is the same – causing confusion and hardship for the weary souls – but there is the solid foundation of the Faith of Christ Jesus.
God’s offer of Salvation saves one person at a time. I think that this is one of the most important aspect of the Faith of Christ – the sins of the Fathers, national shortcomings, or family-dysfunction will not be laid against the one who seeks refuge in His kingdom of heaven; everyone is welcome to enter.
Living by its precepts does not preclude the individual citizen from giving in to temptations, but their willing heart and mind are quick to remedy the shortcoming and asks the Father for forgiveness and restoration.
The patriarchs and all who live their lives by faith know that one is tempted to take the eyes of the Way of Truth, Life and Light. Living by the Faith of Christ is a peculiar thing; it cannot be inherited and the one who is the weakest might become the strongest. In spite of experienced dysfunction in the family home, the faithful chooses to live his life by a way the world does not understand or even ridicules, but joy and peace of heart and mind are evidence that this Way is the right way and will lead safely through the chaos this world experiences.
I experienced my personal spiritual homecoming exactly as the word implies – coming home to the most hospital environment my heart and mind could possibly hope for – living in His heavenly kingdom here on earth! This kingdom is spiritual at its core; those who live in it live by their faith and trust in the Father’s Word.
Its citizens are not perfect by any means, but they know that the Father offers help with anything they desire His help with.
Our Creator never changes. He who never judges without looking at the heart knew that my longing to find the ultimate Truth would at the end of my search bring me back to where I started – His home! Now I live by His Word of Truth, Light and Life by choice.
Whatever dysfunction I encounter around me, I know where solid Truth is found and direct those who seek after this never changing Truth to live with me in the kingdom of our heavenly Father.
Could anyone expect to find perfectly functional families in a sinful world? There may be rare exceptions, but the dysfunction of sin operates at every level of society starting in the family unit and extending to the global community. Civil, national, and global conflicts, merely reflect the sinful nature of man, which is first demonstrated in the home.
Dysfunctional families create dysfunctional societies, and this often results in war at any level. The wise man writes: “only by pride cometh contentions”(Prov 13:10). Pride(the opposite of meek and lowly) is the root of sin, leading to covetousness, and everything else that follows. This is the pattern found in the life of Lucifer, which is reproduced in every sinner who gives into his temptations. In a society that followed the Lord, the crime against Dinah would have been justly dealt with, but with no such outcome expected, the prideful brothers took revenge themselves, not trusting in God who asks us to “fret not yourself because of evil doers”(Ps 37:1). What do you imagine could have taken place if the brothers had turned to the Lord and placed this matter into His care and wise providence?
Does the Bible list these men as “heroes” or overcomers "by faith"?
By faith, we may be overcomers in the present. The future does not come until it is the present. The past, through repentance and faith, is removed from the record of the repentant in exchange for the faultless life of Christ, to the Praise and glory of His holy Name.