What is the Difference Between Mentoring and Grooming?
A while back I was watching my favorite show at the time, Unsolved Mysteries. This episode was about a young boy who was mentored by a young man. Since it was “Unsolved Mysteries,” where we’re often told to call their phone number to catch the bad guys, I was bracing myself for the turn in the story, when the man would harm the boy. That time never came. Instead the boy, now grown, was using the show to find his mentor, to thank him for being such a great friend in his time of need. It turned out to be a heart warming story about an adult mentoring a child.
Image © Providence Collection from GoodSalt.com
Sadly the media often share the horror stories which have made a few of my friends, both male and female, afraid to mentor children, even though they would make amazing mentors. The horror stories, sadly mostly true, that get passed from church to church, scare legitimate mentors away from helping children as well. They do not want their intentions to be misconstrued.
A while back in a school where I was working, I heard an excellent discussion about child safety, which mentioned grooming. “Grooming” is when an adult with ill intentions, over time gains the trust of a child, only to abuse that trust. During the talk, it occurred to me exactly why some would-be great mentors refuse to mentor. Is it possible that, to them, mentoring and grooming look alike? After all, Satan has to have his counterfeit for everything good. He knows how vitally important mentoring is, so he wants his counterfeit, grooming, to look like mentoring. This gives him a double victory. He can destroy innocent lives through grooming and make good people afraid to mentor for fear they will be considered groomers. As a matter of fact, before I started writing this, I googled, “Mentoring and grooming,” and I found a website saying that grooming and mentoring are synonyms! That gave me a hunch that I may be on to something.
So I thought it might be a good idea if potential mentors could have a clear picture of mentoring and a clear picture of grooming, so they could tell them apart. I realize I am not an authority on the subject, so I would like to paint a picture of both just to get the ball rolling, and, hopefully, some people a lot more skilled than I am, can chime in and agree or disagree and add some insight. Here goes:
Mentoring
A coach works with a group of children and other adult coaches to give each child a sense of belonging to the group and community. When a particular child needs extra coaching, a parents and/or child approaches the coach, and the coach gives the extra instruction on the group site, only as requested and needed. The goal of the coach is to get the child back into the group mainstream. The coach networks to get the child the help he/she needs. If Sally needs extra help memorizing her Sabbath School memory verse, the coach will share tips, like word associations, and then encourage other students and/or coaches to practice with Sally. The coach wants Sally to feel like she is a valued part of the community and trains Sally to be a useful and healthy member of the group and community. Regardless of the genders of the mentor and child, regardless of how long the mentor has known the family, regardless of how close the mentor is to the family, legitimate mentors will never allow themselves to be alone with the child. Mentoring is community driven and social in nature.
Grooming
A coach may meet a child in a group but then isolate the child from the group, under the guise that the child needs extra and “special” training that only the coach can give. The coach may even claim that Sally should not be working with others, as she may become “confused” by the tips others may give her, along with the tips the coach provides. The coach wants Sally to feel like she is special when she is alone with the coach, instead of feeling special to the entire group. Instead of training Sally to be a healthy member of the group and community, the coach teaches Sally to rely on her/him and the special instruction only she/he can give. When a groomer suggests they have known the child long enough and are close enough to the family to be alone with the child, remember a legitimate mentor will never allow themselves to be alone with the child, regardless of how long or well they know the family, even if they are the same gender as the child. A groomer plans on being alone with the child one day. A mentor never plans on being alone the child-ever. Grooming is one-on-one driven, and is isolating in nature.
I hope together, we can give a clear picture of what healthy mentoring looks like, as boys and girls can use, not one or two, but many positive male and female mentors in their lives. The more the merrier – and the healthier!
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Interesting ideas you have shared. I think the differences you highlight are correct but I'm not sure that true mentoring ever really occurs if there isn't some level of one on one time between an adult and young person. I'm not saying that has to involve secretive activities but typically there is some level of personal interaction. If there isn't, the adult may not be remembered that well. Also, although society generally frowns on adults being alone with children, there are programs that allow it. For example, Big Brothers and Big Sisters pairs children with adults and though some of their outings are in groups, there definitely is one on one time. Of course the screening that takes place there is very extensive (I know because I went through to be a study buddy at school when I was in university and they probed every aspect of my life during the interview.)
I was a vulnerable young person due to the death of my mother at the age of 7 and then a chaotic family life after my father remarried that looking back had a good bit of emotional abuse. And so by the time I was a tween and teenager, I often sought out adults that I could connect with - teachers, pastors etc. I never did anything private with these people but definitely had conversations where I shared my struggles. There was also a lady from my church who took me out a couple times, once to see a passion play at Easter and once for supper when I was between the ages of 11 and 15, I think. I feel like she was trying to fill a bit of a void in a motherless child's life. She was interested in my life and on one of the outings asked if I'd thought of being baptized so obviously she felt a spiritual mentorship role.
Anyway, I guess by your definition all these people were grooming me, but I can assure you that none of them ever did anything inappropriate and I am still in touch with many of them 30 years later. I am thankful for the personal interaction I had with them and that they cared enough to be there for me during a dark time in my life.
Now that being said, if one of them had had dark motives, I would have been easy pickings and I'm thankful God protected me from bad people.
So I guess what I'm saying is I'm really torn on this subject because I agree that in this day and age, probably adults should never be alone with a child or teen just because there are too many bad apples. But I also think it's sad that the world is like this and I think we lose a lot too.
I was having similar thoughts as Christina - that mentoring generally involves some one-on-one time.
I think William pinpointed the chief difference between mentoring and grooming - with one being community-focused and the other being isolating.
Another way of seeing the difference:
Grooming is focused on the groomer's needs and aims at creating an emotional bond to make the groomed person dependent on the groomer. That's one of the reasons groomers usually hone in on vulnerable children from single-parent or dysfunctional homes. It is easier to make needy children dependent on emotional reinforcement by the groomer.
A mentor focuses on the child's needs. Male mentors are desperately needed by children from single mothers who have little time with their fathers. And let's not forget the single dads raising children alone. Their children could benefit from female mentors, especially the girls.
Unfortunately, in today's world, it is hardly safe for either a mentor or a child to be alone with each other. That just demonstrates Satan's success at creating barriers between people.
Christina mentioned that
In each instance, the woman was with Christina in a group setting - except for the car ride. Hopefully that is still possible today. Perhaps, as a parent, one might want to have a brief verbal message from the child upon arrival at the destination and on leaving. That would minimize the chance of an unwanted "detour." Of course, nothing is fool-proof, but keeping in touch with God in prayer will help parents of vulnerable children make good decisions. (Trust your instincts, even without obvious signals.)
It may take a little more imagination to mentor young people today, given the caveat against being alone together, but God is creative. Situations in which the adult is visible to others, but largely out of hearing range can provide needed privacy for supportive listening, which is generally experienced as "loving." For instance, a teacher might spend time talking with a student in an empty classroom, while being clearly visible through the doorway or window in the door. A restaurant can provide the illusion of privacy too. And, of course, practicing a sport outdoors or in a gym, for all to see is always a good option, especially for boys.
I would love to see more input from others:
What mentoring have you experienced?
What suggestions do you have for parents who might need help from mentors?
What suggestions do you have for those who would like to mentor?
Thank you Christina and Inge for sharing your thoughts and experiences. You make a good observation, Inge that what the lady did with Christina was in a group setting. Or at least in public. It is very possible and practical to work one on one with a child in a public setting. For example, a teacher can talk with a child one on one during recess, while the other kids are playing nearby, or outside on the sidewalk, while other students and teachers are passing by not far away. Also, while I have never solicited a child’s cell phone number, there have been parents who have given me their child’s cell phone number. They want their child to feel free to reach out to me personally and confidentially. Often it is by text since that is how most young people communicate these days. While I do not betray their confidence, I still never delete a text message just so that all of my correspondence is documented if needed for some future purpose. There are plenty of ways to work one on one with a child without being alone with them. Even then, it is always the parent and child ,who initiates the one on one encounter. Sometimes I will run across a Bible passage or a inspirational quote that I think would really help a young person in the particular situation they are going through, and so I will initiate the text, but I will also include his or her parents on the text thread. There may be an exception for certain circumstances, but even then I make sure that it is a text and not a phone call so that there is documentation of the correspondence.
I think your observations are correct about one on one time in public - it certainly can be done and that's how it was with teachers I talked to. We talked privately in their classroom but it was not secretive.
In the case of the people who supported me, I was the one who sought them out and maybe that is a key distinction. It wasn't at their initiation.
The lady I mentioned was a little different - that was her initiation, but she was a lady who loved kids (she had been my Pathfinder leader prior) and it's even possible my dad reached out to her. At any rate, she had my dad's permission to spend time with me. What she did for me, she may have done for others. She was just that kind of person. I did ride in the car with her alone, but it was a different time. No one worried about women abusing girls back then. Times have changed.
We have to be so careful now and I think Inge is right. Satan takes the good and creates a counterfeit. I wish we could just have pure, close relationships with many people but we will probably have to wait for Heaven to really experience that.
I think the biggest thing we need to do for our kids and any kids really is educate them about what grooming looks like and what is a good interaction and what is not. Let's face it, they are even vulnerable with extended family and they might do things alone with those people. Of course, the sad thing is that the kids most likely to be groomed are not likely to get this education or feel comfortable telling someone when something starts to go sideways.
Christina makes two very important observations.
She writes:
I praise God that Christina had such a wonderful experience with her mentors, as I believe, most young people have. It is so important that young people have wonderful adult role models in their lives like Christina had. This is why I wrote the post, to encourage good healthy adults to mentor our youth. And it is not only troubled kids who need a mentor. Many kids are healthy and well balanced because they have several healthy and well balanced adults in their lives. And both genders need both genders as their mentors. As a matter of fact, in her book, Strong Fathers, Strong Daughters, Meg Meeker Makes the point that girls definitely need male mentors in their lives. Big Brothers and big sisters, pairs each young person with their own gender, but to be healthy and balanced you really need both genders. Again, Satan realizes himself how important that is, which is why he has worked so hard to warp that scenario. But with godly wisdom and discretion, it can still be done.
Christina’s Second paragraph that I shared reminds us that while mentoring is vitally important, we still need to be very careful. Thus why I shared what I shared in my post.
We can’t let Satan win by making our children vulnerable, and we can’t let Satan win by making mentoring obsolete.
Christina thank you so much for your comments! Again, in your recent comment you make a very good point that you were the one that sought them out. This is another very important point because the fact is children choose their own mentors. And that is a good thing! a school may have an assigned guidance counselor, but for whatever reason, a child may feel more comfortable talking to the janitor and that’s great! That is why everybody from the janitor on up needs to have a background check and have some kind of training on mentoring young people. Because regardless, if your school has a guidance counselor or a youth pastor, the young people need to be empowered to choose their own mentors. And I think it is awesome that God can use anybody as a mentor. It truly takes a village to raise a child. I realize the awesome sacred responsibility placed upon the parents. I am not taking away anything from that. But wise, godly parents will utilize the village in raising good healthy balance children.
I just finished mentoring a PA student. My observation is out of your articles age bracket, be that as it may, I mentored and groomed her unisolated, yes my conversations groomed her for the real world. Thanks, William, for the good article. Yes, I did read your whole article this time.
The biggest difference between grooming and mentoring is intent and purpose. In grooming, the intent is to use the victim for some selfish and/or nefarious purpose.
In mentoring the intent and purpose is solely for the benefit and growth of the intended party, the mentee.
As a Pathfinder staff member (Counselor through Director) I was entrusted to mentor these boys and girls solely for their benefit. I also had to be very careful of what could be construed as any inappropriate physical touch. Even a side hug could be misinterpreted.
I had a single mother express her appreciation for my serving as a father figure for her daughter and how both she and the daughter benefitted from it.
As a teacher of Youth Sabbath School I encouraged the students to team teach with me and to even lead out in the class under my supervision. I remember one boy who was a visitor, and very shy. I engaged in conversation with him, entering into his world. At the end of class his parents were amazed at how engaged he had been in conversation with me. The mother asked me what I did. I smiled and shrugged my shoulders then said, "I simply talked with him, instead of to him."
It's hard in today's society to minister to young people, especially those that are deprived of appropriate physical touch due to family dysfunction. It almost handcuffs you, however there are appropriate ways of conveying safe physical touch.
I would counsel anyone charged with mentoring anyone of any age, to always avoid any inpropriety or even the appearance of any inpropriety. Also be on the look out for it.
We as mentors are entrusted with the sacred trust of developing today's mentees, young or older, into tomorrow's leaders.
Don't betray that trust, you don't want to swim with a millstone around your neck. Do you?
Thank you all for sharing your thoughts. Happy Sabbath to all!