No More Wiped-Off Kisses: Forgiving and Loving My Dad
My mom and dad were decent people and my childhood, compared to some, a walk in the park. Nevertheless there were issues. Nothing so big it couldn’t be talked through, but that was the rub—we didn’t. It just wasn’t part of our family culture to repair conflict. We escalated, boiled over, yelled, stormed, stomped out, and then buried it. Marriage counselors say every escalation alerts us to “a conversation we need to have.” My parents and I, particularly my dad and I, needed to have some conversations.
The lack of resolution and repair gave birth to a seed of bitterness in my heart. I distinctly remember Dad walking through the door after work to greet each of us with a puckered-up, somewhat-wet kiss. I’d wipe it off, disgusted. The resentment had an enduring, inflexible quality, like a piece of furniture so heavy it becomes a permanent fixture. I left for college at 18, coming home only briefly for vacations. Dad and I were like aquatic trees, distant above the surface, but tangled together at the roots under the murky water.
Then I experienced a change of heart. Some of it may have been the time away from home; it’s easier to forgive from a distance. But a large part of my change of heart was spiritual. I came to understand God’s forgiveness toward me, and the sheer relief of that lifted burden made protective anger unnecessary. My own shame and guilt uprooted took with them any guilt and shame I would impose on another. Forgiving Dad happened effortlessly and nearly unconsciously. No more wiped-off kisses. No more distance. Only tender love.
Some say don’t forgive unless the person apologizes. I disagree. Jesus said, “Father, forgive them, they know not what they do.” The outflow of my forgiveness for others uses the same door as the inflow of God’s forgiveness for me. The door opens, and grace comes and goes freely. Now, that doesn’t eliminate accountability. Justice and forgiveness can exist side by side. But that’s a discussion for another time. Let’s just soak for a few minutes in the fact that God’s grace can dissolve long-standing heart-tensions.
Jesus told us to forgive if we have anything against anyone. Are there people in your life you haven’t forgiven? Is it because you’ve confused forgiveness with trust and reconciliation? Or have you seen forgiveness as incompatible with accountability? Remove these stumbling blocks and see forgiveness as a simple choice to release resentment toward the other. And then, forgive.
Jesus is SOOooooo loving and gracious enough to for give us, even when we can’t for give our selves.
I have that going on in my Family at this very moment. I have tried to talk to one of the persons involved, but afraid to talk to other one for fear of retaliation. My only hope is in Jesus Only He can work this out. I want to see my family healed and saved.
Thank you Jennifer for sharing your story and for pointing out that we don't have to be apologizad to in order to forgive. Also in Matthew 18:21-35 the servant never asked for the debt to be cancelled but only for more time to pay the debt. He was still forgiven. Someone once pointed out that there is no person we will ever have to forgive as many times as Jesus has forgiven us.
Dear Jennifer,
Thank you for sharing your heart with us. You wrote, "I came to understand God’s forgiveness toward me, and the sheer relief of that lifted burden made protective anger unnecessary. My own shame and guilt uprooted took with them any guilt and shame I would impose on another."
Could a spirit of bitterness, shame or guilt in our own lives be a symptom of not really understanding God's forgiveness? A symptom of missing something really important in the plan of salvation?
I also note your mention of "protective anger." It sounds like anger that is aroused when we feel self being attacked - and that is a large portion of the anger in this world. It reminds me of this beautiful passage from Thoughts of the Mount of Blessing by contrast:
Thank you Jennifer for this story. I also had similar experience growing up until a time when I realized that dad was just a person with flaws and as long as I keep resentment it would block me to enjoy his love and care. I forgiven him not because he changed and I remain thankful for the good he is. We still have good relationship and I pray for him to realise his problems.
Many times people have done us heinous evil. But is it easier to forgive a stranger than to forgive someone who we knew? True forgiveness comes from the heart and it is only by the power of the Holy Spirit living in ones' heart can true forgiveness occurs. Does forgiveness means forgetfulness? Does forgiveness means to stop looking at your 'back' should that person comes again a second time to be a 'back stabber'. E.g if a person was an accountant and steals the money from you/organization. You forgive, but should you reinstall the person to their former position? No. Many does not knew and understood the true sense of forgiveness in the bible.
Wow Jennifer!How timely. God had this show up right when I needed to see it. I find myself in such a position at this very moment. Haven't seen or heard from my daughter in about a year. She refuses all contact with me. We had the home you spoke of. I have sent her an email seeking reconciliation with zero response. At this point I have left it in God's hand to work it out. My additional concern is that this will lead her to separate from God. I think thats my worse fear at this point. Again thanks for the perspective