Tuesday: Forgive and Forget?
Forgiveness has been defined as the willingness to abandon one’s right to resentment, condemnation, and revenge toward an offender or group who acts unjustly. Dr. Marilyn Armour, a family therapist who worked with Holocaust survivors in order to find out what these survivors had done to make sense of what had happened to them, writes: “The whole idea of forgiveness is an intentional act by the victim. It’s not something that just happens.”
Forgiveness doesn’t mean that there will be no consequences. Forgiveness doesn’t mean letting an abuser continue abusive patterns. Forgiveness means, instead, that we turn our resentment and our desire for revenge over to God. If not, the anger, the bitterness, the resentment, and the hatred will make whatever that person or persons did to us even worse.
What does forgiving others do for us? Consider Matthew 18:21-35.
Image © Jeff Preston from GoodSalt.com
No question, one of the keys in learning to forgive is to understand what we have been forgiven in Christ. We have all sinned, not just against other people but against God, as well.
Every sin is, indeed, a sin against our Lord and Maker; and yet, in Jesus, we can claim total forgiveness for all those sins, not because we deserve it — we don’t — but only because of God’s grace toward us. Once we can grasp that sacred truth, once we can make this forgiveness our own, once we can experience for ourselves the reality of God’s forgiveness, we can begin to let go and forgive others. We forgive not because others deserve it but because it’s what we have received from God and what we need ourselves. And besides, how often do we deserve forgiveness, as well?
As we saw, too, Joseph offered a second chance for the family relations. No grudges here; no falling back to things that happened in the past.
It is almost impossible to begin again in a family when we have each become experts at learning how best to hurt each other. But that’s not how Joseph reacts. It seems that he wants to put the past behind them and to move ahead with love and acceptance. Had Joseph a different attitude, this story would have had a different ending, one not so happy.
| “Blessed are those whose lawless deeds are forgiven, and whose sins are covered; blessed is the man to whom the LORD shall not impute sin” ( Romans 4.7-8, NKJV). What is Paul telling us about what we have been given in Jesus and how this wonderful promise should impact how we relate to those who have hurt us? |
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If you have ever been in the position where you have had to forgive someone for something they have done to you, you will know that saying the words," I forgive you!" is only the beginning. I am not talking about little things like, someone stepping on your toe and hurting it, but rather, events that threaten to be life changing. I have been through that experience, and while I cannot share the details with you I can tell you that it took about a week to forgive the person and in the end, I wrote a letter of forgiveness and among other things I said that it would be a test of our Christianity to build and grow our friendship again. That was the hard bit. It was where forgiveness leaves its nice comfortable seat and goes to work in the reality of life.
During this time I read a short story by Henry Lawson, one of Australia's much loved literary figures. I am including a link to it and I hope that some of you take the time to read it. It is very Australian but I think you will get the message about the healing of forgiveness. It helped me understand the importance of forgiveness.
Shall We Gather at the River: Henry Lawson
What a beautiful story. Touched my heart, too. Thank you so much for sharing. BTW, I really enjoyed the Aussie flavor.
Today's lesson states: "Forgiveness means, instead, that we turn our resentment and our desire for revenge over to God."
Why do we do this? Is it so that God can then carry out that revenge for us?
What do you think?
I have some people say leave something to God. It usually in reference to 'karma' or hoping someone gets their just desserts (British phrases). This has made me think forgiveness may not have taken place.
Phil, on reading their statement I disagreed. Because it's almost like I haven't really let it go, I'm just hoping God gets you back for me. I like this definition better "Forgiveness has been defined as the willingness to abandon one’s right to resentment, condemnation, and revenge toward an offender or group who acts unjustly." From a christian standpoint I can't say that I have the "right" for these feelings of animosity.
Doesn't turning something over to God mean that we let go of it and let God handle it in whatever way He knows is best? That is abandoning any "right" to resentment, desire for revenge, etc. The issue is no longer ours. It's God's.
Proverbs 24:17,18
Don’t rejoice when your enemies fall;
don’t be happy when they stumble.
For the LORD will be displeased with you
and will turn his anger away from them.
I often see "christians" gloat over the second coming when all the ******* will get their just desserts and burn in hell forever. How can God even work with a heart like that?? Beware lest we become "them" and secretly rejoice when "karma" comes to those who have hurt us.
Well, let's face it, in many of the psalms David or another author does just that and turns their anger and resentment over to God. It may be a reaction that reflects spiritual immaturity. Or perhaps it is just a desire for justice which is not wrong. Either way, God hears our prayers, even when they don't reach the standard of Jesus' words "Father forgive them". And He saw fit to put some of them in scripture.
Phil, I think it is because resentment and a desire for revenge are a heavy load to bear. We are told to carry our burdens to God.
These negative feelings are a sign of unforgiveness in us. When we give the resentment and desire for revenge to God, I believe He casts it away "as far as the east is from the west", and He will give us forgiveness and peace to replace them in our hearts toward the person who wronged us.
Thank you to each person who provided input to this conversation - and the other two conversation starters below. I hope that the input has given others food-for-thought too.
Phil
We really have no idea how much Jesus yearns to save each one of us. But I think we have a glimpse of this in the story of Joseph’s meeting of his brothers and father. He longed to save each of them with an intensity that comes through that story even thousands of years later.
And in this story, I see my story. When Jesus and I meet in heaven, I will weep in joy and relief because he has delivered me from the Adversary and death, but he will weep more because he finally knows that I am his forever. We will wipe away each other’s tears and our healing can begin in earnest.
Forgive and forget. It is a common phrase. Is it myth or reality?
What do you think?
If want you have had done to you is really serious you may forgive but never forget. As time goes on it is something you don't really think about, but the memory of it is still there
Was does it mean when we say "forgive and forget"?
I think it means we don't hold it over the other person's head all the time and/or throw it in their face again and again. I think it means we give the other person a clean slate to start again. Isn't that how the LORD forgives us or justifies us - it is "just as if I never sinned". Remember what the LORD said about David after He forgave him. 1Kings 14:8
One of the issues with the "forgive and forget" cliche is that living forgiveness is a case of remembering that you have forgiven. Forgiveness is not a magic wand to; "And they lived happily ever after". One part of the forgiveness issue is not to throw it in the face of the forgiven. It is so easy to forget and say something that indicates that you, the forgiver, stand on a higher moral ground than the forgiven. Forgiving has to come with a dose of humility.
This all depends upon what we are actually "forgetting" doesn't it?
Is betrayed trust restored in a moment? Does real damage/loss simply disappear?
However, we can profitably "forget" all ungodly thoughts of retaliation and revenge because of wounded pride. "Meek and lowly of heart" will be the constant defining character of those who have been redeemed from sin. Yet, the righteous are also just when required.
Today's lesson suggests at the end that, "It seems that he (Jospeh) wants to put the past behind them and to move ahead with love and acceptance."
What do you think about the suggestion that we need to "put the past behind us"? Can this actually be done authentically? If so, how?
We know that Joseph had already done that himself because of how he treated his brothers. Joseph wanted them to be relieved of their fear of his just revenge, which is how they understood justice. Hopefully as the years went on, they realized "a more excellent way"(1 Cor 12:31) from their mistreated brother's demonstration towards them.
Sinners may authentically do this by faith.
The past cannot be put behind without processing it in terms of a functional relationship. I can forgive a person of the hurt and pain they have caused me, but to have any real relationship with that person, we (that is both us) have to be part of the healing process. The truth of a dysfunctional hurtful relationship has to be told for meaningful reconciliation to occur. A one-sided “forgive and forget” and “putting the past behind us” without dealing with relational issues is nothing but a sham.
Real love is good, but it is not nice. It is hard difficult work. Sometimes love means the perpetrator has consequences, like imprisonment.
Matt.18:34-35KJV ”And his lord was wroth, and delivered him to the tormentors, till he should pay all that was due unto him. So likewise shall my heavenly Father do also unto you, if ye from your hearts forgive not every one his brother their trespasses.”
These are strong words coming from Christ Jesus to warn against harboring an unforgiving spirit. The Father’s spirit of love and mercy inspires to forgive, the spirit of this world inspires to hold a grudge.
It is so very important to go quickly and work peacably with the offender to offer forgiveness, trying to keep things from escalating. Sometimes, an offender is unaware of the offense and wonders why a once good relationship grows cold. Unforgiveness has long, aggressive tentacles which burrow deeply into the life of the injured parties, affecting also those close to them; they need to be prevented quickly from taking root in the heart and cause more harm.
Both parties need to re-establish peace; the offender needs to accept his responsibility for the offense.
Matt.18:15-20KJV – ”Moreover if thy brother shall trespass against thee, go and tell him his fault between thee and him alone: if he shall hear thee, thou hast gained thy brother.
But if he will not hear thee, then take with thee one or two more, that in the mouth of two or three witnesses every word may be established.
And if he shall neglect to hear them, tell it unto the church: but if he neglect to hear the church, let him be unto thee as an heathen man and a publican.
Verily I say unto you, Whatsoever ye shall bind on earth shall be bound in heaven: and whatsoever ye shall on earth shall be loosed in heaven.
Again I say unto you, That if two of you shall agree on earth as touching anything that they shall ask, it shall be done for them of my Father which is in heaven.
For where two or three are gathered together in my name, there am I in the midst of them.”
Gossip becomes the undercurrent of unsettled grievances. It spreads the poison of suspicion and everyone participating becomes entangled in its web. Christ Jesus tells us to forgive from the heart, and with that we engage God to heal both parties. Why risk further injury by choosing unforgiveness; why keep the wound open by refusing to accept guilt?
Why not accept the Balm of Gilead – our Lord and Savior Christ Jesus’ - His love heals all wounds.
I agree with the lesson authors's statement:
These verses with which the Holy Spirit inspired Paul were my Mother's favourite, this was the attitude by which she lived.
Rom 12:17-21 MKJV Repay no one evil for evil. Provide things honest in the sight of all men. (18) If it is possible, as far as is in you, be in peace with all men. (19) not avenging yourselves, beloved, but giving place to wrath; for it is written, "Vengeance is Mine, I will repay, says the Lord." (20) Therefore if your enemy hungers, feed him. If he thirsts, give him drink. For in so doing you shall heap coals of fire on his head. (21) Do not be overcome by evil, but overcome evil with good.
Deut 32:35, Deut 32:43; Psa 94:1-3; Nah 1:2-3; Heb 10:30; Rev 19:2;
Shirley - thank you for bringing Paul's admonishments for us back into focus. Both our mothers seem to have had the same approach when dealing with life's adversities. Only as an adult have I learned to appreciate the depth of its wisdom and have made it may own.
Greetings to you all.!I have been thinking! what 'if' Joseph's life in Egypt was fruitless? by seeing his brothers what would have been his reaction towards them? Remember Naomi, Don’t call me Naomi,” she responded. “Instead, call me Mara, for the Almighty has made life very bitter for me.Ruth 1:20
His foundation is in the holy mountains. Ps 87:1
Are we taking this 'forgive and forget' thing too far or do we have a different understanding from what the bible really meant/speaks about?
Numbers 35:9-34. 6 Cities of refuse. 3 on one side and 3 on the other side of the river in event of someone murdering another person. I see it somewhat as today jail/prison. The penalty for murder is death. The guilty stays there until either they or the priest die. If found outside of the city by anyone, someone can kill them and will not be found guilty.
Mind you, Joseph did not forgot what his brothers did to him but the way it affected him in the past and at that time was different. Joseph even named his two son Manasseh- 'God has made me forgot entirely my troubles and my father's house'.
It says Joseph 'forgot the troubles' not the event that took place. All of the struggles and pain he forgot.
Ephraim- fruitful. When he call his sons their names do we realized he remembers what they did to him but what the Lord did for him in return?
Just a small detail, Lyn: The cities of refuge were not a refuge for murderers. They were only for those who accidentally killed someone.
God spoke the law regarding very early in man's history: “Whoever sheds the blood of man,
by man shall his blood be shed,
for God made man in his own image." (Gen. 9:6)
Inge-
Ok, what about these texts. Ex 21:12. Lev 24:17. Forgiveness does not meant the guilty will not face the penalty for their wrongs. E.g In the case of murder, rape, or other heinous sins the guilty will be forgiven but must pay for their sins.
Exactly. The penalty for murder was death not "imprisonment" in a "city of refuge."
However if a death happened accidentally, the person who was responsible could flee to a city of refuge and there state his case before the priests. If they found him not guilty of murder, he was allowed to stay. If he was guilty of murder, he could not stay in the city of refuge. This was not imprisonment, but freedom within the borders that belonged to the city.
True forgiveness is a very hard thing to do. Forgiveness to me is putting a bandage over a stab wound. It hurts, its bleeding. The bandage protects the wound from contaminants that would cause infection that could spread throughout the body. Over time that stab wound starts to heal from the inside out. It no longer bleeds, isn't as painful. after awhile the only thing that remains is the scar that reminds me of the event but the pain and bleeding no longer exist. What pops into my mind are the scars on Jesus Head, Hands, Side, Feet that will remain for eternity. I caused the pain and anguishes associated with Jesus getting those wounds, But he forgave me. now only the scars are left as a reminder of his forgiveness for what I did to him.
How I wish to be forgiven is how I must forgive others. Forgiveness will be a healing balm for the forgiver, and an encouraging incentive for the forgiven.
If we forgive as God has forgiven us, we will be partakers of the Divine nature. In this we will find that perfect peace which holiness and perfect trust in God alone can give.
Paul is quoting David from Psalm 32, and all should read the first 5 verses of that Psalm to fully understand how we are forgiven. We will also understand Paul more fully if we read how he sums up this thought in Rom 5:1, where this blessing is found in having “peace with God”. Living godly in this life is how the sinner will be found “faultless” before God.
One can never forgive and forget the wrongs which have been done to you if you keep reliving the experience over and over in your mind. That's when you know you have not truly forgiven someone. All you really are doing is justifying your resentment, licking your wounds so to speak. It is a conscious decision to not dwell on the event. That's when I remind myself of all the sins and grief I have caused Jesus and refocus my thoughts on something else!
I thought it would be appropriate to share this article from the Sabbath School Net archives about how forgiveness is not saying it is okay. https://ssnet.org/blog/forgiveness-is-not-saying-it-is-okay/
William I read your article but after reading it I realized you are only writing to a Christian audience/congregation. What about my other friends who are not followers of Christ. How can I convince them that we aught to forgive and forget? Many of you heard about genocides that took place in several parts of this world. Can someone forget their father, mother, brothers and sisters and other members of the family got killed/murdered? Can someone forgot they were refugees in a foreign land and treated badly? Can someone forgot they were child slaves? Can someone forgot their spouse whom they trusted 'ran away' or leave the family for a younger mate 1/2 their age. The feelings of anger, hatred, malice, etc go with time as healing takes place. It is similar to grief, after time you are healed but you still remember the situation.
I don't have any hope to offer outside of Christ. Especially when it comes to forgiveness concerning the situations your mentioned.
Lyn, forgiving is not forgetting. I believe that if non-Christians realize that, it makes it easier for them. Forgiving is letting go of the "right" to revenge, and it has the advantage of freeing us from the control of the person who offended against us. As long as we hold a grudge against someone, that person lives rent-free in our minds. The resentment this fosters is like acid to our souls, eroding our peace and spoiling any genuine happiness. The acid hurts *us* not the offender. Forgiveness neutralizes the acid, so that peace and happiness is again possible.
Forgiveness is part of God's law of self-renouncing love, but even those who do not recognize the Creator God as we do will benefit whenever they do anything in harmony with His Law. That's because God built that Law right into our minds and into our being.
Ask your friends if they want to be happy again. Ask them whether they want to allow the offenders to live in their minds and poison their lives. Share with them what forgiving has done for you - how it has set you free.
Hello Robert – over time, we have been addressing ‘interpretation’ of Scripture to help each other’s understanding of their meaning. My reply to your comment asks to clarify for me your understanding of: “Living godly in this life is how the sinner will be found ‘faultless’ before God.”
I understand that no one can live a perfect life and thereby be found ‘faultless’ before God, even though one tries his best to live a ‘godly’ life.
Would you agree that our ‘faultless’ state is a gift given to us and accepted by faith – 1Cor.1:27-31KJV; Rom.20:31KJV?
Hi Brigitte, how do you read Titus 2:11-14? See also Zeph 3:12,13, as well as every reference to the 144,000 in the Revelation. What do these all tell us concerning the life that the remnant must live when probation has closed and there is no intercessor between man and God? Keep in mind Phil 4:13, Jude 1:24, and Matt 19:26.
Also, could you elaborate on meaning of 1 Cor 1:30, and Rom 20(?):31?
Hello again, Robert – I noticed that one of the Bible references I used is incorrect – my apology! I meant to include Rom.5:17-21KJV instead.
Before answering your inquiry about the references you noted, could you please take a moment and tell me how you understand their meaning in light of my question about your statement that 'living godly finds us 'faultless' befor God'? Thank you!
Romans 5 deals with the evidence of being forgiven/justified by faith in what Jesus did for us on the cross after living a perfect life in harmony with the will/law of God(Ps 40:8). If we keep reading Paul's letter through chapter 8, we realize that we must advance from being forgiven of sin to sinning no more(Rom 8). This is the full meaning of being saved from sin.
The passage in 1st Corinthians speaks eloquently on how we become partakers of the Divine nature ourselves through the means Christ has provided. A sinner who continues to wilfully sin is not redeemed are they? Jesus gives 7 promises to "him that overcomes" in Revelation 2-3. Overcoming means to gain the victory over sin in one's life by faith in God's "exceeding great and precious promises, whereby [we] become partakers of the Divine nature"(2 Pe 1:4). Does the Divine nature sin?
Through Jesus' blood we are forgiven/justified of all past sins IF repentant. By His life and power we become sanctified/holy. These two parts equal redemption. If we continue wilfully in sin we are not redeemed, and the day will come when "it is finished" will be proclaimed by Jesus who will then no longer intercede for sinners, who have become permanently sinful. This is why His promises to "him that overcomes". If not sanctified, we cannot be presented "faultless" before the presence of God's glory. No one will see God who isn't holy(Heb 12:14).
I hope this makes sense Brigitte.
Robert – Though a bit more water has gone under the bridge, I still want to follow up on the points you make in your reply. The lesson’s topic ‘Forgive and Forget’ had prompted my inquiry to your statement ‘living godly in this life is how the sinner will be found “faultless” before God’.
If your understanding of “faultless” means that we try our best to sin no more, I can understand it better.
You consider that ‘a sinner who continues to willfully sin’ might not have been redeemed. I think he has; his faith is weak and therefore still struggles to overcome the weakness of the flesh. The promises of God that faith gives power to overcome all temptations needs to be applied by everyone; this person needs extra help, would you agree?
I see God’s divine spirit residing in our weak body of flesh to help us bear our cross until we die, to help overcome temptation and to direct our path – Rom.7:24-25KJV. Do you really think one can overcome completely and ‘gain the victory over sin’ – be perfect and actually sin no more?
Though all who ‘repent’ let go of their old ways of living, this does not mean that the good fight, “striving for peace with everyone, and for the holiness without which no one will see the Lord” has ended – Heb.12:14; this work continues until we die.
I believe God’s Mercy and Grace covers us as we seek to do right in the eyes of the Lord; only He knows the person’s heart and mind, only He knows what is needed to sanctify the sinner toward ‘holiness’.
Thank you for your willingness to engage in this dialouge.
For us to "try our best" is to invite unavoidable failure. I believe it was Charles T. Everson who wrote: "Without Christ we cannot hope to succeed, with Christ, failure is impossible". Combine this with Gal 2:20, and what conclusion do you come to?
I would also point out Ps 119:1-8, and ask if "undefiled" means "nearly undefiled" or does it mean "undefiled"? (Tamim is most often translated as: "blameless", "without blemish", "without defect", which harmonizes with Paul thoughts in Eph 5:25-27.)
Lastly, Jesus said "without Me, you can do nothing"(John 15:5), but Paul writes "I can do all things through Christ"(Phil 4:13). Both of these bring us back to Charles T. Everson's understanding.
If we focus on our inabilities and failures, we will miss the promises of God that tell us what is possible by His grace and through His power in all who will "deny himself, take up his cross and follow [Jesus]"(Matt 16:24). What exactly does God promise? THIS should be our constant study and prayer. To answer your question as to what I believe, I believe the promises of God.
Yes, Robert, you wrote
So let us not look to ourselves - either to make ourselves perfect, to bemoan our failures or take pride in our spiritual accomplishments. Let us look to Jesus, the Author and Finisher of our faith (Heb 12:2). If Jesus is the "Finisher of our faith," doesn't that make Him responsible for our "faultless" status? It seems to me that that's how the thief on the cross will find himself in heaven with Christ - "faultless in Christ." (Looking at "faultless" that way helps us to avoid self-focus, which is contrary to the Kingdom of Christ.)
By contrast, if we look to ourselves - whether to bemoan our failures, to seek to make ourselves acceptable to God, or to exult in our spiritual superiority - we are engaging in the thought processes of the kingdoms of this world, the kingdoms of Satan.
Our responsibility is to do just what the thief on the cross did - to place our full trust in Christ. Look to Jesus and choose to serve Him every day and every moment of every day. If we do that, we will do all He asked us to do. We will love others as He loved us because we have Christ living within through His Holy Spirit. I believe the gospel hymn, "Trust and Obey" sums it up very well: "Trust and obey, for there's no other way to be happy in Jesus, than to trust and obey."
I should add that it is my belief that the most perfect any true believer will "feel" in this life is eloquently described by the publican's prayer(Luke 18:13). Who would cling to Jesus if feeling any less than entirely dependent upon Him as that sinner who leaned wholly upon the mercy of God?
We are made "faultless" by a perfect faith that leads to the obedience of faith, while feeling unworthy of even the least of God's favors(Gen 32:10). Yet those feeling can never overrule faith without peril to our soul.
"The LORD is nigh unto them that are of a broken heart; and saveth such as be of a contrite spirit."
Robert – thank you for your follow up thoughts! Yes, our hand is His hand – our heart in His heart – our mind in His spirit – we are truly blessed!
Faultless before God is not something that we accomplish. It's what Christ has accomplished, credited to us.
Merit-based salvation is a lie, created by Satan. It is just another version of the first lie told in the Garden of Eden (Genesis 3:4 Ye shall not surely die).
Merit-based salvation asserts that you won’t surely die as long as YOU do certain things (e.g., obey rules, repent, do good works, try to be good, cooperate).
Like the very first lie in Eden, merit-based salvation is calling God a liar (Romans 6:23 The wages of sin is death AND Acts 4:12 Neither is there salvation in any other: for there is none other name under heaven given among men, whereby we must be saved) as it claims that the wages of sin is NOT death (if YOU just do certain things) and there IS another name under heaven by which I can be saved... ME).
We can do nothing, absolutely nothing, to commend ourselves to divine favor. We must not trust at all to ourselves or to our good works… God will accept every one that comes to Him trusting wholly in the merits of a crucified Savior. Faith and Works, pp. 38, 39.
Sieg – thank you for sharing. Being new to the English language, I learned to respect the ‘power’ little prepositions hold as I learned to hear, read, and speak correctly.
The prepositions ‘of’ and ‘in’ in relationship to Salvation imply so much depth and really challenged my understanding.
What does it mean to be ‘in’ Christ Jesus? As you noted, Acts4:12 points out that salvation is ‘in’ no one else, for there is no other name under heaven given among men by which we must be saved.”
Gal.2:16,20KJV is an example for ‘of’ in the context of justification, and Ellen White’s quote states that “We can do nothing, absolutely nothing, to commend ourselves to divine favor”; but do we fully appreciate what these little prepositions and her statement imply?
Romans chapter 4 expresses Paul’s thoughts regarding the relationship of faith and righteousness - Rom.4:4,7,16,24,25KJV.
I find that "Forgive and Forget" is an integral part of Christ's faith; placing our faith IN what Christ has already done, we are assured that living and trusting HIS Faith - the Truth and Light of the Father - will lead us home. It is not the act of faith but what we have faith in that saves.