Sunday: Conflict
Read Matthew 7:5 and Proverbs 19:11. What two important principles can help us avoid conflict with others?
The writer of the Proverbs makes a very astute observation: “The start of an argument is like a water leak —so stop it before real trouble breaks out” (Prov. 17:14, CEV). Once begun, a conflict can become incredibly hard to shut down. According to Romans 14:19, we can prevent conflict by following after two things: that which makes for peace and that with which one may edify another. How much more so are these principles crucial to harmony in the family?
Image © Jeff Preston from GoodSalt.com
Sometimes when you admit your responsibility in a conflict, it may cause the other party to soften. Take a step back and consider if it’s even a worthy battle. Proverbs states, “Those with good sense are slow to anger, and it is their glory to overlook an offense” (Prov. 19:11, NRSV). At the same time, consider what difference this is going to make in your life in three days. Better yet, what impact will it have in five or ten years? How many marriages, for instance, have had difficult times over issues that today seem so trivial?
Instead of letting conflict drag on for a long time, as you speak with the other person, a spouse, a child, a friend, a co-worker, you may want to clearly define the problem or issue of discussion and stay on the immediate topic. Conflict often deteriorates when the issue that started the conflict gets lost in angry words; meanwhile, past issues or past hurts are tossed into the mix (this can be deadly, especially to a marriage). One way to have a better and softer start to the discussion is to affirm your relationship. Let the other person know that you care deeply about them and about your relationship. Once you have stated your positive feelings, you can move to the issue at hand; however, be careful not to use the word but. Stating a positive thought and then saying “but” negates what you just stated. Once you share your feelings, listen to the other person’s perspective, reflect on what he or she has said, and only then propose a solution that keeps everyone’s best interests in mind (Phil. 2:4-5).
| Think back about some conflicts that now appear so silly and meaningless. What can you learn from those experiences that could help, at least from your side, prevent something similar from happening again? |
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I have learned over the years that the condition of a person's attitude at the time of conflict can be the difference between irritation over an annoyance or an all out conflagration. A soft answer turns away wrath and meeting evil with good is the weapon for peacemaking. Everyday I try to keep my attitude one of contentment helping me keep inevitable clashes in perspective. It isn't always easy, nor am I always consistent.
Blessed are the peacemakers for they shall be called the sons (daughters) of God. Peacemaking is more necessary today than ever.
Peter instructed, "All of you should be like-minded and sympathetic, should love believers, and be compassionate and humble" (1 Peter 3:8) or as the NIV translates it "All of you, live in harmony with one another." "All of you" pretty much covers everyone, doesn't it? No one can say "I'm exempt," or "it doesn't apply to me."
"Live in harmony" doesn't imply uniformity, nor does it imply unanimity, nor does it imply, union, where everyone is affiliated with each other, but there is no common bond. Harmony is to have a oneness of heart, a similarity of purpose. "With one another" is the relational rub. What are we to do?
Conflict is inevitable. When more than two people come together the potential for disagreement increases. Any moving machine will experience friction. The only way to eliminate is to stop the machine. Likewise, any living relationship will experience some degree of conflict. The only way to stop conflict is to kill the relationship. The goal in operating a machine is to reduce the friction as much as possible. This improves efficiency and prolongs life. The goal of any relationship is the same.
I have noticed that in ongoing relationships, personal or work, the reason why incidents boil over is because of history between people and assumed attitudes.
e.g. a boss makes a comment which sounds simple to others but the worker hears it as an insult "because he 'knows' the boss assumes he is stupid" so this worker gets very upset and the rest can't understand.
Wrong assumptions are one of the most prevalent causes of prolonged disputes and squabbles. It has people thinking and nursing anger about what was never implied.
This therefore calls for a proactive approach.
If someone says something that isn't quite clear to you, a simple question directed to the person, asking for clarification would douse any wrong assumption and prevent conflict form surfacing.
Furthermore, our perception of a person can programme our minds to only get negative interpretations out of every voiced word or action by the person.
This is why we should keep our minds healthy; our thoughts filtered. After all, a clear mind, filled with good impressions of people can really help to obstruct invading ill thoughts about them.
So, when engaging in a conversation with anyone, make sure any information passed across is properly understood and digested from the speaker's perspective and let's also work on our perceptions of people as they help guide our thoughts down to our actions.
May God help us.
In computer service an "incident" is a disruption to the smooth running of the system and needs to be fixed. Managing a "problem" is finding the root cause of the incident and making sure no more incidents occur.
How does this apply to interpersonal conflict?
Things usually get heated when an incident happens repeatedly and is not resolved to mutual satisfaction and then it is a problem between parties.
Unresolved problems can lead to endless conflict and eventually to a dissolution of the relationship.
Benhadad
A real trouble maker
One day Benhadad and 32 other kings attacked Samaria. But they had to look for something to provoke the king of Israel into war.
Benhadad:
Give me your silver and gold, your wives and strong sons.
Ahab:
Your majesty, everything I have is yours including me.
Kiki the Samaritan duck :
(yes my king you've followed the way of peace to prevent conflict)
Benhadad:
Tomorrow at this time I will send my officials into your city to search your palace and the houses of your officials. They will take everything else that you own.
Ahab to his elders :
Benhadad is causing real trouble.
Elders :
Don't listen to him. You don't have to do what he says.
Kiki:
This elders are adding salt to the wound.
Ahab to Benhadad :
Your majesty, I'll give you silver and gold and even my wives and children. But I won't let you have anything else.
Kiki: that 'but'negates everything your majesty.
Benhadad:
I'll completely destroy Samaria
Ahab:
Don't brag before the fighting even begins. Wait and see if you live through it.
Kiki: My king you forgot to address Ben as your majesty.
Benhadad to his solders :
Prepare to attack Samaria.
The prophet of God to Ahab :
Benhadad has a strong army but the lord has promised to help you defeat him today.
Kiki:
Ben said he will attack us tomorrow but God said we shall attack him today.
The prophet :
The young bodyguards who serve the district officials will fight the battle and king Ahab will lead them.
Kiki:
What! Bodyguards! Not solders! There only 232 bodyguards against such a big army.
Benhadad's scouts:
We just now saw solders matching out of Samaria.
Benhadad :
Take them alive. I don't care if they have come to fight or to surrender.
(that day Ahab and Israel's army crushed the Syrians.)
The prophet :
Benhadad will attack you again next spring. Build up your troops and make sure you have some good plans.
Kiki: oh no! Not again!
“Conflict is inevitable, but combat is optional.” — Max Lucade
Pharisees did not see their sinfulness but were looking to condemn the sin of others. Jesus revealed to them the need of a savior.
The woman who they deemed a sinner was forgiven and was given a new life to live.
As a church do we give a lifting hand to the one who is hurting or do we gossip and create a greater conflict.
Thanks to brothers Kevin and Josiah for their comments each day. God bless!!
Thank you. I am happy my musings have been helpful.
When me and my husband sit and talk about certain conflicts in our past, we can vividly remember the anger but can't remember the reason why we were angry. Thus, we end up laughing about how much we have grown. I suspect if people stop taking every little comment so seriously, it will be easier to move forward peaceably. Blessings to all!