Tuesday: The Role of Anger in Conflict
Who hasn’t experienced anger at one point or another? What makes it harder is when that anger is directed at a family member. Along with refusing to forgive, anger can turn into a poison that will wreak great pain and suffering on the home and family and relationships in general.
Read Ephesians 4:26-27 and Ecclesiastes 7:9. How can we balance our understanding of anger as an emotion and anger as a sin? What is the difference?
What does James say in James 1:19-20 that we should apply at all times that we can, but especially when dealing with family members whose actions and attitudes and words make us angry?
Anger
If you’re angry about something, instead of letting it hover like a dark cloud over your life, turn it into something positive. Pray for those who hurt and abuse you, forgive them and become a blessing to them. It probably won’t be easy at first, but when you make the decision and stick with it, God will take care of the rest.
Sometimes the root of anger stems from the homes we grew up in. Angry people often come from angry families because they learn from their role models and carry on the same behavior in their own lives, eventually passing it on to their children. At times anger may be the result of unmet needs or from jealousy, as was Cain’s case, which led to the murder of his brother. You may have a good reason to be angry, but don’t use it as an excuse to stay that way. Don’t deny it or try to justify it. Instead, ask God to help you deal with it in a positive way. The apostle Paul gives us good advice: “Don’t let evil defeat you, but defeat evil with good” (Rom. 12:21, CEV).
| We all have things that anger us, even to the point of pain. And, in some cases, we probably are justified in that anger. The question is, How can we, through the power of God, not let that anger make us, and others around us, miserable? |
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1 Another time Jesus went into the synagogue, and a man with a shriveled hand was there. 2 Some of them were looking for a reason to accuse Jesus, so they watched him closely to see if he would heal him on the Sabbath. 3 Jesus said to the man with the shriveled hand, “Stand up in front of everyone.”
4 Then Jesus asked them, “Which is lawful on the Sabbath: to do good or to do evil, to save life or to kill?” But they remained silent.
5 He looked around at them in anger and, deeply distressed at their stubborn hearts, said to the man, “Stretch out your hand.” He stretched it out, and his hand was completely restored. 6 Then the Pharisees went out and began to plot with the Herodians how they might kill Jesus.
If it were right in Christ to be angry with sin, is it equally right and becoming in us? We see how sin injures others. Purity will bring its own anger. Remember, however, that anger with sin is not something permitted.
Jesus’ anger did not arise from petty arguments or personal slights against Him. There was no selfishness involved.
His anger targeted sinful behavior and true injustice.
Jesus’ anger stemmed from love for the Pharisees and concern for their spiritual condition.
He did not allow His anger to turn into bitterness; He did not hold grudges unlike the religious leaders.
When we get angry, too often we have improper control or an improper focus. We fail in one or more of the above points. This is the wrath of man, of which we are told “Everyone should be quick to listen, slow to speak and slow to become angry, for man’s anger does not bring about the righteous life that God desires” (James 1:19-20).
It is interesting to see that Jesus, in his humanity, experienced and expressed anger. Anger is crucial to emotional intelligence as it calls for both restraint and expression- it needs to be expressed in a considered and appropriate way as Jesus did.
Anger, like other emotions, works as a cycle, which means we can learn to recognise the triggers that make us angry and then choose to break that cycle. Underlying causes usually trigger our anger at a particular event. These may include anxiety, fatigue and fear about a related event at another time. When we recognise the frustration that these feelings are contributing to our present situation, we can then choose to control how we express the anger and so gain self respect.
Jesus gives us the means and the will to control and express all our emotions in an appropriate way if we ask Him to guide us in all that we do.
I think the difference between Christ's "anger" and ours is that our anger almost always has a lot of self-interest in it. Christ's anger had no self-interest. I can't think of any reference to Christ being "angry," other than his driving the buyers and sellers out of the temple court. That was certainly not our kind of anger. It was prophesied in Ps 69:9, which the disciples recognized. (See John 2:17) Prophetically it is called "zeal" for God.
The quote from Ephesians 4:26-27 needs the context of the previous verses in the chapter to be understood correctly. Anger that is not rooted in the Truth as it is in Jesus is sin. And that Truth is evidenced by righteousness and holiness, and is spoken in love. Godly anger is the precursor to acts of righteousness, holiness and love to oppose the principalities, powers and darkness of this age. It opposes those whose anger is directed against poor, the weak, the defenceless and the powerless.
Mark 3:5 records that Jesus looked around with anger after asking if it is right to do good on the Sabbath, and just before healing the man with the withered hand. Mark goes on to say that His anger was triggered by deep grief over the hardness of hearts. Here is righteous indignation manifested, it comes from a deep grief over the impenetrable heart. It's borne of an intense angst in knowing that the miracle about to be performed was going to bounce off those hearts.
We are told that after Jesus performed that miracle the religious leaders went about seeking how they might destroy Him. Having given man free will there was nothing God could do to turn these blinded men from their set course of destruction, of Jesus, but ultimately, of themselves.
Anger is a emotion that we are counseled to keep in control. It isn't a bad emotion. It comes from a grievance over loss, lack of justice rendered, and so forth. The difficult part for us is containing that anger in such a way that it doesn't control us to our harm and to others hurt. Thus, we are to exercise "being slow to anger." (James 1:19) Paul counsels many times to put away anger and cloth ourselves in Christ. Certainly a work in progress for most of us.
BE ANGRY
Anger exist in every human being in different measures.
Did you know that God has more references of being angry than any other characters in the Bible?
Did you know that anger is not attributed to any woman in the Bible?
Baalam was angry because of his donkey, Cain because of his brother, Moses because of the golden calf, David because God killed Uzzah, Jacob because of the demand of Rachel, Saul because of a song, Ahab because Naboth refused him the sale of his inheritance.
AND DO NOT SiN.
Do not ridicule others like Sanballat "what are these feeble jews doing? "
Do not misinterpret realities around you like king Ahasuerus " He mistook Haman's begging of Esther as a quest to molest her.
Do not use a foul language or howl insults as Saul did "Saul's anger flared up at Jonathan and he said to him " you son of a perverse and rebellious woman "
Anger pushes us to fight back to protect ourselves, it protects what is ours, it guards us when someone wants to hurt us, it motivates us to find solution to our problems, it tries to eliminate whatever that prevents us from realizing our desires.
Is anger good?
"Be angry".... isn't God amazing in his understanding of this universal human emotion, that He would permit us to be angry! So, is anger good? I think anger just is... and it's what we do with it that is either good or bad.
Any mother who has ever had to count to 10 (or more) before dealing with an errant child knows we have to deal with the angry feelings before reacting or even opening our mouths!
I appreciated reading the difference between definitive anger (anger about any kind of injustice or moral violation) and distorted anger (anger towards a perceived wrong). Both of these are genuine, and both require us to get the facts first and seek understanding of the situation before speaking or taking any action. This is an area of much needed prayer for me. Very thankful for this lesson!
"Baalam was angry because of his donkey, Cain because of his brother, Moses because of the golden calf..."
All anger arises when we have an expectation that is violated. This is a cause-and-effect phenomenon. Test it for yourself: no violated expectation, no anger/frustration.
Baalam, Cain and Moses all experienced violated expectations.
HOWEVER, is there such as thing as an illegitimate expectation, or are any and all expectations equally legitimate?
Were Baalam's and Cain's violated expectations as legitimate as those of Moses?
Consequently, is there such a thing as legitimate and illegitimate anger?
Were Baalam's and Cain's anger as legitimate as that of Moses?
Is Eph 4:26 therefore giving permission to indulge any and all anger?
His phone rang in church by accident during prayers.
The Pastor scolded him.
The worshippers admonished him after prayers for interrupting.
His wife kept on lecturing on his carelessness all the way home.
His co-vineyard workers shook their heads in disgust
You could see the shame, embarrassment and humiliation on his face.
He never stepped foot in the church again.
That evening, he went to a bar.
He was still nervous and trembling.
He spilled his drink on the table, bottle falls by accident and it splashed on some people.
Those it touched rushed towards him. He closed his eyes expecting bashing of words or slaps.
Instead they cared to know if he didn’t get a cut from the broken bottle.
The waiter apologized and gave him a napkin to clean himself.
The janitor mopped the floor.
The female manager offered him a complimentary drink.
She also gave him a huge hug and a peck while saying, "Don't worry man. Who doesn't make mistakes?"
He has not stopped going to that bar since then.
Amos Kibet
How can we balance our understanding of anger as an emotion and anger as a sin? What is the difference?
That's quite a question! Feeling angry is not in itself a sin. What this feeling triggers off within ourselves, to the point of overcoming our balance, and making us respond with "diseased" words or actions, that can be sin.
"What comes out of a person is what defiles him..."
There are two sides to everything in life. Good vs bad, black vs white, night vs day, big vs small, chaos vs peace. Remember God had Moses to write the law for the people so they would know and understand what was considered wrong. Anger is an emotion but it also helps us to better ourselves when this emotion arises. That is why it is written to not let the sun go down with anger. When we hold and allow anger to grow, it is then we are committing the sin because we disregarded Jesus' command to let anger go. Just like the hill helps to strengthen our heart and legs, anger helps us to be stronger in our walk to be Christ like. Stay encouraged!
"When we hold and allow anger to grow, it is then we are committing the sin because we disregarded Jesus' command to let anger go."
Are we "committing the sin" because we have disregarded Jesus command - or is it rather that we are being overtaken/overcome by sin when we are nurturing our anger in a destructive way that causes it to become 'toxic' to us and to others?
Is the real 'sin problem' that we have disobeyed - or that sin results in the stealing, killing and destroying (Jn 10:10) of ourselves and others?
This morning I ran across this passage,
When Jesus saw her weeping and saw the other people wailing with her, a deep anger welled up within him, and he was deeply troubled. John 11:33 NLT
I was interested as to why Jesus was so angry in this situation. So I went to the commentaries. One explanation was that Jesus was angry at how some of the Jews were very hypocritical in their mourning, beings how after Lazarus' resurrection they would turn around and plot his death!
Then the leading priests decided to kill Lazarus, too, John 12:10 NLT
Perhaps a question is: Did God intend for us to even experience anger? Had Adam and Eve not partaken of the fruit of the tree designed to test obedience, would they have experienced anger? Adam and Eve did not express anger before this event.
Does anyone know of or can someone recommend any methodologies "steps" to deal with something before it gets to the point of anger?
Anger is an emotion.
Emotions are, at their core, motivational energy. They motivate us to either continue an experience or to attempt to change that experience. Anger is an example of the latter.
All anger/frustration is the result of encountering a violated expectation. When what we expect to happen is different from what happens (in a situation that matters sufficiently to us), anger/frustration will be activated. And we become motivated to try and get things to be ‘in-line’ with our expectations. This is typically a subconsciously-driven phenomenon and hence we are often not sufficiently aware of it till after things are already in ‘full-swing’.
You are correct, prior to sin there were no violated expectations and hence no activation of or need for anger. Interestingly, when something is as it should be (ie in harmony with expectations), this is termed “righteousness” - it is right.
In answer to your question as to how to reduce the chances of anger being activated, perhaps you can see that the expectations we hold are a key factor.
As Inge Anderson has correctly pointed out above, our expectations are at risk of being based on self-interest. Ps 51:10 identifies what is needed to reduce the hold that self-interest has upon us. This verse implies an active collaboration with God to recondition our ‘cultivated tendencies’ from self-seeking to self-renouncing. It involves practicing self-denial and instead being willing to ‘take up our cross’ and follow in Jesus footsteps of self renouncing love (Matt 16:24).
In addition, there is the need for the renewing of our mind (Rm 12:2). This is also a process that we need to be actively committed to and involved in. Time in God’s word and prayer for the purpose of learning about ‘righteous’ (self-renouncing) vs ‘unrighteous’ (self-interested) expectations will also help over time because by beholding we become changed (2 Cor 3:18).
Upon this foundation, we can then additionally cultivate awareness of when we are becoming angry and what specific expectation/s we are holding that we believe is/are being violated. By becoming consciously aware of our expectations (that typically reside in our subconscious parts of our mind), we are then in a position to discern between ‘righteous’ and ‘unrighteous’ expectations - or even reasonable/appropriate and unreasonable/inappropriate ones. Naturally, we need the Holy Spirit’s indwelling to enable and empower us to do this.
There is more that could be said depending upon the specifics of a situation and person, but these are some of the core principles that are of relevance to the question you asked.