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Bible Cures for Narcissism

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While Jesus’ popularity was growing, John the Baptist’s friends felt a little slighted for the prophet. John the Baptist however, said about Jesus, “He must become greater and greater, and I must become less and less.” (John 3:30 NLT) John knew that God had appointed him to be the messenger to announce the coming of the “bridegroom,” who was Christ Himself, and he was content to play the role he had been given. 

Beholding Christ on the cross

Seeing Jesus on the Cross. Harry Anderson Image © Review & Herald Publishing from GoodSalt.com

After conducting a funeral for an elderly lady,  I was eating at the table with her grown children. Each one was talking about projects they had going on in their homes. I was surprised how easily their lives seemed to be moving on. I thought to myself, “If they can move on so easily after losing their mother, how quickly will people forget me after I die?” The thought was making me a little depressed. While they were talking among themselves, I quickly checked my Facebook under the table. And I saw that a friend had written, “Living my life so that people will remember me after I die is too small a cause to live for.” With the timing, I took that as a message straight from heaven. Had I been focusing more on God’s love like John the Baptist did, instead of myself, I probably would not have had that moment of insecurity and depression. 

Health professionals agree that a lack of feeling loved is what leads to insecurities and even narcissistic attitudes. Because John the Baptist was focused on God rather than self, he was overwhelmed by God’s love, and I believe that is the exact opposite of the focus of a narcissist who is insecure because of self-focus.

Below are signs, from the Mayo Clinic, that you or someone you know may be narcissistic. 1  The Mayo clinic says this is a rare mental disease. Some may wonder what their definition of “rare” is, since  narcissistic behavior seems to be becoming an epidemic. After each sign, I have provided a Bible passage which offers a cure or example for each sign of narcissism.

I don’t believe people intend to be narcissistic, and may not be aware of their narcissism. If this looks like you, please prayerfully consider the Bible verses and perhaps contact a Christian counselor for help.

If you are in a relationship with a narcissist, how you handle it needs to be determined by the nature of the relationship. In some cases, you may be able to deal with the relationship by leaning fully on Christ and getting your love and strength from Him. In other cases it may be so damaging that it becomes necessary to seek spiritual and maybe even professional counseling to find your best way out. Don’t be surprised if the narcissist makes him or herself look like the victim.

As well as providing the signs listed below to diagnose narcissism, the Mayo clinic also suggests a cause for the disease. They theorize that people who were not properly nurtured and cared for in the early stages of their life are more likely to become narcissists. If only these people realized how much God loves and cares for them!

Lucifer was loved and cared for in heaven, yet he played mind games with himself, until he brainwashed himself into thinking that nobody cared about him but himself. His only self-concocted shred of evidence was that God the Son outranked him. He felt ill-used because he did not have the position of Christ and thought, “What about me?!”

Meanwhile, Jesus, “Though he was God, he did not think of equality with God as something to cling to.” Philippians 2:6 NLT Instead of crying out “What about me!” Jesus has always cried out, “What about others!” Here are the signs of narcissism provided by the Mayo Clinic, along with the examples or cures found in the Bible.

  • Believing that you’re better than others

Biblical Response: Is there any encouragement from belonging to Christ? Any comfort from his love? Any fellowship together in the Spirit? Are your hearts tender and compassionate?

Then make me truly happy by agreeing wholeheartedly with each other, loving one another, and working together with one mind and purpose.

Don’t be selfish; don’t try to impress others. Be humble, thinking of others as better than yourselves.  

Don’t look out only for your own interests, but take an interest in others, too.

You must have the same attitude that Christ Jesus had.

Though he was God, he did not think of equality with God as something to cling to. Instead, he gave up his divine privileges; he took the humble position of a slave and was born as a human being. When he appeared in human form, he humbled himself in obedience to God and died a criminal’s death on a cross. Philippians 2:1-8 NLT

  • Fantasizing about power, success and attractiveness

Biblical Response: So Jesus called them together and said, “You know that the rulers in this world lord it over their people, and officials flaunt their authority over those under them.

But among you it will be different. Whoever wants to be a leader among you must be your servant,  and whoever wants to be first among you must be the slave of everyone else. For even the Son of Man came not to be served but to serve others and to give his life as a ransom for many.” Mark 10:42-45 NLT

  • Exaggerating your achievements or talents

Biblical Response: Then the people of Ephraim asked Gideon, “Why have you treated us this way? Why didn’t you send for us when you first went out to fight the Midianites?” And they argued heatedly with Gideon.

But Gideon replied, “What have I accomplished compared to you? Aren’t even the leftover grapes of Ephraim’s harvest better than the entire crop of my little clan of Abiezer? God gave you victory over Oreb and Zeeb, the commanders of the Midianite army. What have I accomplished compared to that?”

When the men of Ephraim heard Gideon’s answer, their anger subsided. Judges 8:1-3 NLT

  • Expecting regular praise and admiration.

Biblical Example: Herod put on his royal robes, sat on his throne, and made a speech to them.  The people gave him a great ovation, shouting, “It’s the voice of a god, not of a man!”

Instantly, an angel of the Lord struck Herod with a sickness, because he accepted the people’s worship instead of giving the glory to God. Acts 12:21-23 NLT

  • Believing that you deserve special treatment

Biblical Response: When Jesus noticed that all who had come to the dinner were trying to sit in the seats of honor near the head of the table, he gave them this advice:  “When you are invited to a wedding feast, don’t sit in the seat of honor. What if someone who is more distinguished than you has also been invited?  The host will come and say, ‘Give this person your seat.’ Then you will be embarrassed, and you will have to take whatever seat is left at the foot of the table!

“Instead, take the lowest place at the foot of the table. Then when your host sees you, he will come and say, ‘Friend, we have a better place for you!’ Then you will be honored in front of all the other guests.  For those who exalt themselves will be humbled, and those who humble themselves will be exalted.” Luke 14:7-11 NLT

  • Failing to recognize other people’s emotions and feelings

Biblical Response: Be happy with those who are happy, and weep with those who weep.  Live in harmony with each other. Don’t be too proud to enjoy the company of ordinary people. And don’t think you know it all! Romans 12:15-16 NLT

  • Expecting others to go along with your ideas and plans

Biblical Response: Without wise leadership, a nation falls; there is safety in having many advisers. Proverbs 11:14 NLT

  • Taking advantage of others

Biblical Counsel: Look here, you rich people: Weep and groan with anguish because of all the terrible troubles ahead of you. Your wealth is rotting away, and your fine clothes are moth-eaten rags.  Your gold and silver have become worthless. The very wealth you were counting on will eat away your flesh like fire. This treasure you have accumulated will stand as evidence against you on the day of judgment.  For listen! Hear the cries of the field workers whom you have cheated of their pay. The wages you held back cry out against you. The cries of those who harvest your fields have reached the ears of the Lord of Heaven’s Armies. James 5:1-4 NLT

  • Expressing disdain for those you feel are inferior

Biblical Example: Then Jesus told this story to some who had great confidence in their own righteousness and scorned everyone else: “Two men went to the Temple to pray. One was a Pharisee, and the other was a despised tax collector. The Pharisee stood by himself and prayed this prayer: ‘I thank you, God, that I am not a sinner like everyone else. For I don’t cheat, I don’t sin, and I don’t commit adultery. I’m certainly not like that tax collector! I fast twice a week, and I give you a tenth of my income.’

“But the tax collector stood at a distance and dared not even lift his eyes to heaven as he prayed. Instead, he beat his chest in sorrow, saying, ‘O God, be merciful to me, for I am a sinner.’  I tell you, this sinner, not the Pharisee, returned home justified before God. For those who exalt themselves will be humbled, and those who humble themselves will be exalted.” Luke 18:9-14 NLT

  • Being jealous of others

Biblical Response by Paul: Agrippa interrupted him. “Do you think you can persuade me to become a Christian so quickly?”

Paul replied, “Whether quickly or not, I pray to God that both you and everyone here in this audience might become the same as I am, except for these chains.” Acts 26:28-29 NLT 

(When Paul had Jesus, He did not want anything King Agrippa had. He wanted Agrippa to have what He had!)

  • Believing that others are jealous of you

Biblical Example: And David spake to the men that stood by him, saying, What shall be done to the man that killeth this Philistine, and taketh away the reproach from Israel? for who [is] this uncircumcised Philistine, that he should defy the armies of the living God? And the people answered him after this manner, saying, So shall it be done to the man that killeth him.

And Eliab his eldest brother heard when he spake unto the men; and Eliab’s anger was kindled against David, and he said, “Why camest thou down hither? and with whom hast thou left those few sheep in the wilderness? I know thy pride, and the naughtiness of thine heart; for thou art come down that thou mightest see the battle.”

And David said, “What have I now done? [Is there] not a cause?”  1 Samuel 17:26-29

  •  Having trouble keeping healthy relationships

Biblical Counsel: A man [that hath] friends must show himself friendly: and there is a friend [that] sticketh closer than a brother. Proverbs 18:24

  •  Aspiring to the position of someone above you

Biblical Example: 
“How you are fallen from heaven, O shining star, son of the morning!
You have been thrown down to the earth,
you who destroyed the nations of the world.
For you said to yourself,
‘I will ascend to heaven and set my throne above God’s stars.
I will preside on the mountain of the gods far away in the north.
I will climb to the highest heavens
and be like the Most High.’
Instead, you will be brought down to the place of the dead,
down to its lowest depths. Isaiah 14:12-15 NLT

  • Feeling easily hurt and rejected

Christ’s Example: He is despised and rejected of men; a man of sorrows, and acquainted with grief: and we hid as it were [our] faces from him; he was despised, and we esteemed him not. Surely he hath borne our griefs, and carried our sorrows: yet we did esteem him stricken, smitten of God, and afflicted. But he [was] wounded for our transgressions, [he was] bruised for our iniquities: the chastisement of our peace [was] upon him; and with his stripes we are healed. All we like sheep have gone astray; we have turned every one to his own way; and the LORD hath laid on him the iniquity of us all.  Isaiah 53:3-6

  • Having a fragile self-esteem

Biblical Example: And the women answered [one another] as they played, and said, Saul hath slain his thousands, and David his ten thousands .And Saul was very wroth, and the saying displeased him; and he said, They have ascribed unto David ten thousands, and to me they have ascribed [but] thousands: and [what] can he have more but the kingdom?  

And Saul eyed David from that day and forward.  1 Samuel 18:7-9

  • Wanting to appear tough-minded or unemotional

Biblical Promise: And I will give them one heart, and I will put a new spirit within you; and I will take the stony heart out of their flesh, and will give them an heart of flesh:  Ezekiel 11:19

If you see yourself here, or someone you have to deal with on a regular basis, you may need to seek professional counseling. (Here is some helpful advice on dealing with a narcissistic boss.)

We may be tempted to be narcissistic in some very ordinary circumstances. For instance, a while back, a friend of mine was flying from Tampa to Chicago every week on a work assignment. At the end of a certain week he was tired and ready for a quiet and relaxing plane ride home. It wasn’t going to happen. That day a large group got on the plane who were having a big noisy celebration of some kind. Instead of getting angry or upset, my friend who was already tired, just sighed and smiled, as he told himself, “Apparently today is not about me.”

In many cases, the cure may just be that simple. Remember that “It’s not all about me.”

For the disciples it was a little more complex than that. They had rivalries and arguments over which one would be the greatest in the coming Kingdom. It wasn’t until they saw Jesus on the cross willing to die the second death and go into total oblivion that they then lost their narcissistic tendencies and became selfless and meek like John the Baptist who said, 

He must become greater and greater, and I must become less and less. John 3:30 NLT 

The disciples overcame self and narcissism when they did what John the Baptist suggested years earlier. 

“Look! The Lamb of God who takes away the sin of the world! John 1:29 NLT 

  1. Most rest of this post was first published in May 2013. It is re-published now with some revisions because it fits in so well with this week’s focus on John the Baptist and on the reference to Christ’s self-renunciation in Philippians 2:5-8. ↩
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Bible Cures for Narcissism — 176 Comments

  1. William, thank you for this modern take on an age-old problem. Narcissism is simply an extreme focus on self. We are all naturally self-focused, because we are all sinners and thus naturally fall into a self-focused way of thinking, which is the way of the "prince of this world." (John 12:31)

    It is interesting that psychologists see this as a disorder, when all of modern society encourages self-focus. But in its extreme form the problem becomes so evident that it doesn't take any spiritual discernment to recognize it.

    All the symptoms you list are signs of self-focus and thus the polar opposite of the character of Christ, which is love. I recommend our readers compare this list with 1 Cor 13:4-8.

    I suspect many of us can recognize some of these traits in ourselves, and that is evidence that we need the Holy Spirit to transform our hearts.

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    • This is exactly true Inge! And God specifically states that the greek word Agape (love equalling, empathy, compassion and self-lessness) is the way to salvation, that without it we will not get there. So narcissistic tendencies are therefore original sin, and we are to work our entire lives to do the opposite, which God lays down as Agape!
      The psychological community, states there is no cure for narcissism, and gives it a disorder title. Because in psychology there is no God. There is no free-will, giving up self, and giving in to God's wishes.
      And in the end times, it gets worse just as it is today. This passage clearly depicts narcissism. And even how they take advantage of the naive, who fall into their manipulation and lies and deceit. And how they are personally, their thoughts etc.
      It is so clear.

      2 Timothy 3
      3 But mark this: There will be terrible times in the last days. 2 People will be lovers of themselves, lovers of money, boastful, proud, abusive, disobedient to their parents, ungrateful, unholy, 3 without love, unforgiving, slanderous, without self-control, brutal, not lovers of the good, 4 treacherous, rash, conceited, lovers of pleasure rather than lovers of God— 5 having a form of godliness but denying its power. Have nothing to do with such people.

      6 They are the kind who worm their way into homes and gain control over gullible women, who are loaded down with sins and are swayed by all kinds of evil desires, 7 always learning but never able to come to a knowledge of the truth. 8 Just as Jannes and Jambres opposed Moses, so also these teachers oppose the truth. They are men of depraved minds, who, as far as the faith is concerned, are rejected. 9 But they will not get very far because, as in the case of those men, their folly will be clear to everyone.

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      • Also in understanding the bible translations of "love" there are various ways of depicting love in the bible, this includes Fillio, friendly love, or a love for children/family, responsibility type love, and then Eros which is more of a sexual attraction, physical. Both of which are considered naturally occurring types of love.

        However, Agape is first Empathy (the putting yourself in anothers shoes - given their limitations, faults, talents, point of view etc. - losing yourself completely to spiritually connect with another) Compassion (a call to action. Not just understanding or feeling their pain or joys etc., but also a call to act upon that. Helping another, embracing them, encouraging them etc.), and Self-lessness (going the extra mile, denying your own needs to see that another's is met. The ultimate sacrifice being dying for another).

        And Agape is considered not to be an always natural response. It is something we are taught as children by our own parents (hence baptism, which is really a sacrament for parents as well to take on the role of teaching agape, and living agape in their home).

        As it is not always natural, or often times not, it means we must constantly focus on it. We must be proactive in practicing it, in achieving that state of grace.

        Narcissism is characterized by a complete lack of empathy. This being the exact opposite of Agape.

        God is the ultimate in Agape. He is Divine Agape. Not only did God come in human form so that we might relate, empathize, spiritually connect with him, but our awesome God came in human form so that HE may empathize with us!

        It can be confused that, Jesus (God in human-form) died on the cross to forgive our sins. Yes he absolutely did, but as the passage in Romans states:
        10For if while we were enemies we were reconciled to God through the death of His Son, much more, having been reconciled, we shall be saved by His life.

        Meaning, that in acting as Jesus did in his life, following his teachings of agape, emulating him (as divine agape), is the way to salvation. Not simply with words. Not simply with believing in all that God gives us (which would be a narcissistic trait), but in that Jesus taught us the way to salvation is through Him as Agape and his agape-centered life. Meaning we must emulate him, we must practice agape, we must have empathy, compassion and self-lessness.

        As the bible states: “Not everyone who says to me, ‘Lord, Lord,’ will enter the kingdom of heaven, but the one who does the will of my Father who is in heaven. On that day many will say to me, ‘Lord, Lord, did we not prophesy in your name, and cast out demons in your name, and do many mighty works in your name?’ And then will I declare to them, ‘I never knew you; depart from me, you workers of lawlessness.’

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        • I am a black SDA and this morning I awoke pondering about a conversation I was having with an SDA pastor who was saying that more persons of another church would join the church if there were more persons of their own race in the church. He indicated that persons of the other race felt that their daughters are too beautiful to marry black men. I reminded him about the incident in the bible when God struck Miriam, Moses' sister with leprosy because she was vexed and was complaining about the marriage of Moses to a black woman. I was feeling hurt about the shocking statement coming from a pastor of the other race thinking to myself 'there is so much hypocrisy in religion'. Then I took up my tablet to meditate on this week's lesson and it was as if this study was just for me. These comments reassure me that I am on the right gospel ship despite the inconsistent views I may encounter from time to time. Pleasant Sabbath to all.

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          • Bev please don't feel alone. crazy comments from church leaders are not limited to race. I am single, and once I started attending a church, where a lot of married people reached out to me and befriended me, and then the pastor took me aside and told me to stop hanging out with them because they were married. He told me to find single people and just hang out with them. I just looked at him like, "What planet are you from?" and kept hanging out with my married friends.

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        • This is a very sobering article about narcissism. But,Jessica ,I don't quite understand the following comment: "And Agape is considered not to be an always natural response. It is something we are taught as children by our own parents (hence baptism, which is really a sacrament for parents as well to take on the role of teaching agape, and living agape in their home)."

          Can you clarify to me please ?

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  2. As I drive to church there is a large field of sunflowers. Last Sabbath I noticed them becoming quite mature. Another interesting thing I notice was that every sunflower head was turned towards the east, the morning sun. What a wonderful illustration. If we turn towards the Son of Righteousness every morning we will be fruitful, we don't even have to work at it, just grow in Christ. Steps to Christ page 68.2. Narcissism vanishes when we hold on to the fact that without Christ we can do nothing. John 15:4,5

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    • I love your illustration John. And if you will allow me to indulge for a couple of sentences: if you had watched the sunflowers all day you would have seen them turn their faces to the sun all though the day, not just in the morning. There has to be a lesson in that too, but I will let the reader work that out for themselves.

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    • Your comments are appreciated regarding this topic. I see the temptation in my own life to be self-focused, and it is helpful to have the awareness of the right scriptures to look to when this happens. We can certainly pray for others who have narcissist tendencies. We cannot see it in others without seeing it in ourselves, and we can pray, and catch ourselves and choose better behaviors. I love John's analogy of the sunflowers, and that looking towards Jesus for the answer to selfishness is the best remedy. Thank you all for the postings on this christian perspective site for this behavioral issue. God bless.

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  3. I love both your analogies Inge and John. What you both say is true, and narcissism also vanishes when we believe in God's love. On the website I referenced, it says that many people who grow up to be narcissists felt abandoned or uncared for in their early years. Once we realize the great love God has for us our desire to look out for ourselves vanishes, knowing God is looking out for us because He cares for us!

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    • Yes the sunflowers turn with the sun. But notice why. They start early in the morning focused on the sun (as we should in prayer) they keep their eyes focused on the sun, in other words they follow the sun's lead all day and all their lives. Just like the Psalm 119:105 Word of God is like a lamp unto our feet and a light unto our pathway. We follow the Word which is Jesus. John 3:16 in the beginning was the Word and the Word was God and the Word was with God. So Jesus is the Word. He is the son/sun. Therefore we must follow the Sun/sun keep our eyes focused on Him all day starting in the morning. I believe that this is prayer as well as worship. The flowers worship God early in the morning as the sun rises and praises God/son/sun for His glory...blessing... .provision. and the flower continues to worship/praise/follow God/son/sun all day long as we are commanded to do. Selah!

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  4. Okal, you are probably right. But it is more helpful for us to examine our own lives for traces of narcissism, because that is the opposite of the spirit of Christ, and we need to cooperate with the Holy Spirit to remove from our character all traces of self-interest.

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    • We definitely need to pray and be aware of this trait in our own lives. Realistically, though people, including Christians can still be vulnerable to very narcissistic people in our lives, and it can grow to be a big problem. Even devastating. That said, we need to pray for our enemies. Pray for God's guidance, and wisdom.

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      • Well said and well observed. There is real deep pain in having someone in the family that is brutally narcissistic. I agree that it can be devastating. I have chosen finally to pray for my narcissistic step daughter.

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        • My husband is a narcissist. I gave up everything (job, house, car, friends, livelihood, hometown. He was generous, loving, kind, thoughtful, and attentive. We traveled back and forth to get to know one another for many months. He was always the same until I moved to his state and married him. Then he became financially tight, unloving and super narcissistic. I felt so bad that I had made this mistake to give him control that I grew depressed and conveyed to him my thoughts and prayers. No empathy. I felt trapped. I’m still married but I am gone ALL the time. My life is not what I thought that God would make for me. My husband now says that he doesn’t know if there is a God. Please pray for me.

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  5. The focus on Christ is important and I appreciate the emphasis give here. In practical terms we need to think about others and how we can help and support others. If we translate that "focus on Christ" into a focus on others as well, we are on the right track. Sometimes that is hard. I know people who find it difficult to relate to others and one of our responsibilities should be to seek such people out and prove them with the opportunity to relate. We often downplay the importance of the social side of Christianity, but we need to remember that often good social relationships often play a significant role in encourage people to accept Jesus. (Sometimes more than eloquent doctrinal dissertation.)

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  6. William, great, great article! In Psychology, I was taught that the treating a narcissist was almost impossible because they are only able to see the world through their "me colored glasses" and don't understand that that may cause a problem for anyone else. And as most of our educators have bought into the self-esteem movement which has been turning out narcissists for two or three generations, it's good to be reminded that God doesn't need psychology. He has a cure for each and every one of our "personality disorders" ... even if we don't know the name or the cause...there is a cure -- Jesus.

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    • Lillanne I had the same thought when dealing with the subject at hand."God doesn't need psychology". That would draw an Amen, from theses quarters.

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  7. Thank you Lillianne and everyone for the prayers and encouragement. Let's pray that we don't fall into that trap Lillianne talks about and that all of us can see ourselves the way God sees us and see others the way God sees them.

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  8. Hi William,

    You wrote, "People who were not properly nurtured and cared for in the early stages of their life are more likely to become narcissists. If only these people realized how much God loves and cares for them!"

    Everyone has missed something in life and you have the cure in the last sentence. When we know that God loves us and cares for us, we don't depend on others for all the things you explained in the list. The problems in the list are real.

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      • Sometimes I think narcissism comes from trying to get the love and approval of a certain person but the problem is, that love, caring and approval does not come from a human source. So I agree with Jane. Once we start realizing where it does come from and that love IS available. then we are able to heal ourselves of the disease by working toward having a relationship with that higher power instead of continuing to hurt ourselves by trying to have a relationship with a source where what we are looking for is simply not available. And then as we continue to work on ourselves by overcoming that wounded ego.....we become the love we seek and love draws love to itself.

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  9. William, it is nice to look at other topics with answers embedded in the bible. When humans were created our maker created us with (let me call it 4 facets of our lives), in the medical term it is known as biopsycosocial dimension of man. I am speaking about: the spiritual, physical, social/emotional and mental aspects of our lives. Narcissistic Personality Disorder affects the mental aspect of humans. I was reading and realized that disorder is only “one drop in the bucket” of all the mental disorders that affect humans. The book DSM 1V Diagnoses and Codes shows us that there are over 400+ psychological/ psychiatric disorders that can affect human. Some people can have one, or more than one of those mentioned. We, as God’s people might also be affected by those diseases/disorders. Some of us suffered from depression or anxiety which is as bad as any other mentioned. Sometimes people have a stigma on certain disease and count out themselves not knowing while the count out themselves, the “fall” under another section.
    What would you say about those who visit the church to speak e.g. at divine hour. When they are introduced, all of their honors; certificate, diplomas etc., etc., are mentioned. Do you think the wanted people to see how important they were? Have more weight to their speaking? Look more intelligent? Or something else, let say suffering from Narcissistic Personality Disorder?
    It is only by the mercy of God that we are where we are. We all must have a relationship with God so as to overcome some of those problems. Many problems are present in our love one (in and out of church). Pointing to the text is good but we know it is the relationship with Jesus which is being brought about by; praying and fasting, studying our bibles, attending church, working for the good of others, etc. etc.

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  10. Hey william, I loved your article. My family has been plagued by the narcissism of my dad. My parents divorced about 12 years ago and my dad has been playing the victim card still to this day. He lies about events to make him appear as a saint and everyone else is to blame. He is also a minister at his church so he wont listen to quoting of scripture because he knows it "better" than us. My siblings and I have tried to reason with him but his heart is so hard that he wont hear any of it. Im not sure what I can do about my situation because I want to honor my father and mother but its impossible to have a relationship because hes so abusive.
    Any advice would be greatly appreciated.
    Btw this article is great, ill be sharing it in my intervarsity bible class.
    Thanks.

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    • James I am very sorry you are in this situation. Sadly you are not the first pastor's family that I have heard this testimony from. Sometimes we have to honor our parents from a distance. You need to remove yourself from the abuser and that is not being disrespectful in anyway. Sadly love and forgiveness do not always mean reconciliation. I have a friend right now who is a pastor and his father was an abusive pastor. He prays for him from a distance. He talks occasionally to his father on the phone but does not visit in order to protect his own children from the abuse. Meanwhile know that God loves you and surround yourself with family and friends who you can have healthy relationships with. I will be praying for you my friend.

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      • Yes we must sometimes remove ourselves from a person who uses Narcissistic abuse as it can be very damaging......as Christians we are quite uncomfortable - ignorant even, about admitting there can be evil within our ranks as we want to see the best in our brothers and sisters......but Narcissistic abuse happens.....even within the church, and it is evil, causing untold pain and destruction to the victim....to have to remove yourself from a Christian friend because you are being secretly abused and the Pastor refuses to intervene, is devastating. It has recently happened to me.

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          • I am with you in prayer. Please pray for my husband to be cured as well because although I pray earnestly, I feel like I’m losing myself and it’s only been 6 years of this. I don’t think he means to do it. Please let’s keep each other in prayer.

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            • Dear collet i will always pray for you, Never give up hoe ,God will not put us down .i will pray for your husband and every Narcissist who wants to change ..God bless you

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  11. I thank God for my wife who has put up with my narcissistic personality through 17 years of lies, deceit, and womanizing. In my case, addiction to sex was a component to my disorder as well. Without God in my heart I do not know how I can ever forgive myself for allowing her to go through what she went through.

    One thing I can share with you is that there is no way in the world that a narcissist can change unless God is involved. My biggest hurdle was to get over the pain of being able to face problems in its face without the convenience of walking away. Owning up and confessing my sins to my wife was a painful process specially looking at the damage that I have done to her mental and emotional states. Thankfully, the people who truly cared for me prayed for me knowing that my life depended on it.

    I am certainly not out of the woods, there is the constant fear of relapse, I may have taken the decision to change but the world that I operate in is very much the same. But I am committed to this process of change, knowing my problems and knowing that I don't hold the solutions to them, and knowing that only God can change me will be my key to victory.

    Please pray for me and the brothers and sisters who are ensnared in this ugly beast of a disorder. Only God affords change and resolution to a narcissistic individual

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    • May God continue to strengthen you against the demons who want to destroy you and your family. I pray oh Lord for this brother that your spirit will continue to give in Strength and your Peace. In Jesus name Amen

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    • I really love this post because it expresses my sentiment exactly. I have been a victim in the past having fallen in love twice in my life with someone with strong narcissistic traits. The last relationship ended recently. I am convinced that there is a cure for this sad and painful condition. And I know that the only hope and help for such a 'tricky' mental state comes from the power available to narcissistic people from our Lord Jesus. I know we can do all things through His strength but the necessary ingredient to unlock that healing process is committment to and unfailing faith in the fact that Jesus wants to and is healing you. I'm so glad to hear that you are on this path Sir. Your willingness to keep returning to humbly see who you really are before Jesus is key. God bless you and may he continue to renew your mind.

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    • Still embarrassed, I would like to know how your situation is now. It is very encouraging to hear a narcissist admit. Your becoming remorseful is a clear indication that the spirit of God is working in you to heal you...I have a narcissistic wife who has subjected our family of 4 to great turmoil. She has engaged in multiple affairs and currently walked away on me. This is the third time she is separating with me in the last two years. I keep praying for you and myself and all others in this pain. Please share with me anything you think can be helpful

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    • Very encouraging to hear this ! I pray for the man who I let tear my heart apart everyday. I know and believe with God in the equation even Npd & other pd's can be overcome.Sadly I had to remove myself from thr triangle he had me in. I still love him & miss him at times but I refuse to lose myself and my principals.18 months almost did me in! Via con Dios & youll never go wrong!💜 Kudos to you !!

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    • Thanknunso much for your testimony. I am also a narcissist who just recently repented and asked Christ to be Lord of my life. Its true. There is no change for us without repenting for our sins and believing God. Psychology doesnt have the answers.

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  12. I did't have a name for this condition until i read this article. Our marriage of almost 4 years is wrecked because of this behaviour. At first i did'nt see this, my husband is a pastor, he loves Jesus, but only at church, early in our marriage i was confused, because at home, he watches telivision, he doesn't read Bible or lead us spiritually. He moved out of our marriage bed 10 months ago and sleeps in his tv room. Everything he does is only for himself, i confronted him, and he suggested that it was rejection from my past, and i saw about 5 different counselors, but nothing changed. He has so many times grabbed me and tried to get the devil out of me. I didn' like Jesus any more, i know now, with God's grace and love, that Jesus was misrepresented! I also know that there will come a day, with no more tears or pain, it's a promise. I am fasting for 21 days for the salvation of my husband. " Being confident of this very thing, that he which hath begun a good work in you will perform it until the day of Jesus Christ." Phil.1:6. God uses this situation to conform me in to the image of Christ - selfless love.

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    • Dear Lize, may the Lord bless you abundantly with the certainty of His presence and your value in His eyes. May He hear your prayers and answer you in a way you can understand - whether or not He changes your husband.

      Jesus does not force anyone against his will, and that means He will not force your husband to change, but He will speak to Him through His Holy Spirit. When the Spirit speaks to a person there are generally one of two results:
      1) The person may respond to the Spirit and humble himself and change.
      2) The person may reject the Spirit and become visibly more rebellious.

      If the latter should happen in your case, please recognize it as a result of the Spirit's working, and don't give up. Keep praying, realizing that it is better for your husband's problem to become so visible that he will be forced to recognize it himself than for him to live a double life. This will not make it easy for you, but Jesus did not promise us an easy road. Remember that the Prophet Elijah prayed that there would be no rain in Israel so that the people would recognize the folly of trusting in the rain god Baal. Bad things happened in answer to Elijah's prayer. People died. But it was God who answered in His wisdom, and, in the end, it resulted in national repentance.

      So be of good courage and trust in God, knowing that he loves both you and your husband infinitely more than we can imagine. He deals with us according to our needs, and sometimes that doesn't feel good.

      May the Lord's Hand be upon you.

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    • I have such a respect and admiration for you. Our human nature makes it so difficult to love people with these kinds of disorders, but certainly of a truth we can do all things through Christ who strengthens us and we do overcome by the blood of the Lamb.

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  13. Broken, I am very sad to hear this. With God restoration is always possible. At the same time, we do need to remove ourselves from repeated abusive situations. Can you get counseling with your wife? We will be in prayer.

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  14. Thank you for writing this. I came across this post after coming to the same conclusion as other commenters--the evil of narcissism is impossible to defeat without God's help. I know that now after destroying my marriage by my own narcissism. My husband of 4 years has finally shut me out because of my lies, deceit, fakeness and manipulation. I have finally begun to open my eyes and stop deluding myself--I am sick. I desperately want and need to change and win my husband back through honesty and love, not just trick him into liking me again by my old manipulative ways.

    Now I know I have never loved God first above all else, so naturally my love for all things is disordered. I loathe/love myself and have little empathy for others. I am very selfish. The first thing I need to realize is a true love for God, who is Love, so that with His grace I can learn true charity. I have been praying desperately for help with this, opening my heart to Him so He might sow the seeds in me.

    I know I am responsible for changing myself, and I'm determined to do it. If anyone sees this, please, if you can spare a moment, offer up a prayer for me and for all who are fighting this evil. And pray for the narcissists' families and victims who have been emotionally destroyed over the years, like my husband. With God's grace we can reconcile in truth and love soon.

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    • Jeannie,

      I just left my husband of 5 years and moved to another state. We have a 2 month old daughter and it truly hurt me deeply to do this but I believed that I didn't have any other options. Five years of lies, deceit and infidelity changed me completely. I was in such a state of despair but reading your post gives me encouragement that through God all things are possible. I sincerely hope you and your husband reconcile in truth and love. Please don't give up and I will pray for you and your husband as I continue to pray for my husband to know the love of God and for us to be reconciled.

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      • Tonya, thank you. I have not given up and will not give up. It's been a rude awakening for me and a difficult battle for us, but we are working to heal our marriage. I will keep you and your husband in my prayers as well. God bless.

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        • God bless you and please keep on praying and working hard to restore your love back and please pray for my husband too...thank you

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    • Thank you for being brave enough to share your struggles. I pray that our Lord will invade your life in a mighty way and inhabit your life forever. May His Holy spirit give you strength to stand in His strength.

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    • I am praying for you. Pratically everything you said is a mirror of me. My wife and I separated 15-16 yrs ago due to my narcissism. Days ago, I put the pieces together (every critism given to me by women throught the years i.e. arrogance, insensitivity, lack of empathy, easily offended). All I'm saying is none of my relationships lasted and my marriage lasted at least 10 yrs up to the point she left me. After some 30-odd years of being on my own, i wondered what was wrong with me after my last affair partner turned against me. Now I have a name for this. So I will keep you and others who have this trait in my prayers. Be encouraged in God. If He gives you a chance to reconcile with your husband, take it, do what He directs you to do with all your might and don't squander the time like I did. I know that He's able, but in my case, I can't help thinking that 15 yrs is a bit much.

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      • To add, I had asked the AP (AP is a polite abbreviation for the Affair Partner(s), that I was involved with in the past, to leave my home several years ago (she had been there at least 8 1/2 yrs), and had confessed my sins of adultery to a minister, and asked him to pray that she leave. Now I'm resolved to live Godly whether or not my wife wishes to reconcile. Also, due to my adultery, she committed adultery as well. Not trying to throw her under the bus, but illustrating how narcissistic tendencies will cause one to seek justification for ones faults while crucyfing your spouse for theirs. I'm saying that i did much more to undermine my wife's love for me than my earlier post indicated: and God did convict me of it years earlier; but getting the AP to leave was rather like forcing out the bondwoman and her son. That's why it took prayer. Despite the affair, i tried to assist her to get her own place and be self sufficient. And i believe that her narcissism. displayed toward me was meant to show me how i acted toward my wife and past women. Some of us are blessed to have a chance to reconcile at all.

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    • I just want to say,Jeanne M., that I feel your pain. I lift you up in prayer, and others and myself, too, as I see these traits in myself. I don't know were you are in your journey now, but I pray that you are continuing it and seeing good, positive, loving change with the LORD'S help and I pray that for all of us suffering with this. God Bless you.

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    • You are saved! At least your eyes have been opened but not my wife. I'm like your husband now, I have now almost completely shut my wife out. I'd like to believe her, as "..love believes all things" doesn't it say in 1 Cor 13 BUT it doesn't say that love is naive or foolish. I have been foolish for 5.5 years now and it has to stop before I return to the hospital for good. I have battled my own suicidal thoughts as a results of my wife's narcissistic (or BPD) behaviours for far too long. Time and again, whenever I read about the characteristics of this behaviour, they describe her so perfectly well and also how the victim feels but they give very feeble answers almost next to none. Hence, I agree, ONLY God can help but He's no in my case. So I'm just waiting for her to leave on her own. Even though I know full well she's using me right now.

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    • I will pray for you my friend. I myself have narcissistic traits and I hurt people who love me to death. I want to change myself. Pray for me too.

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    • Dear Jeannie
      It is wonderful and unusual for someone with your condition to repent and admit the deep need for healing.
      I have a very dear friend who has been manipulative and controlling and will not apologise or admit any wrongdoing...I have tried so hard to ignore her cruel words and the mind games as I felt my love may help heal her insecurities, but in the end the friendship became very destructive and damaging so I have had to go No Contact in order to preserve my mental health.I am heartbroken.

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    • Praising God for your eyes being opened! I pray daily for my son's heart to be pierced and for him to want to feel the love of Jesus. He has demolished and shattered his four amazing, smart, loving children and his wife. they have fled for their safety and do not understand how he could do what he has done to all of them. We fear for their lives. He has become worse with each year. Now at age 41 We do not know this person he has invented. It's most terrifying as a mom to think someone I loved all their life has become this horrible being. I'm encouraged by reading many of the comments here. My faith is strong and I do know that it will only be GOD that will change his heart. I pray for all of you and ask God to bring peace into your lives and to feel his presence of love and blessings. Please.. pray for my son and his family to know the truth. Thank you.

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  15. Though we probably all have some tendencies for Narcissism, as a victim of incest and sexual abuse, mine is manifested as ADD and codependency. Through a program called Celebrate Recovery, i have been given the Christ centered tools to know better how to deal with my own emotions and a Narcisstic son.Over 10,000 churches in the US and in many other countries offer this healing program to millions of people. It is for every hurt, habit and hang-up. It gets to the rotten roots of our sin, not just surface manifestations like alcohol, drugs, sex addictions, over weight, depression, etc. but the causes. A favorite CR saying is, "God never waste a hurt." As we heal, we become accountability partners, sponsors, mentors for others on their Spiritual journey. James 5:16.For information,Google Celebrate Recovery for a location near you, or you may want to get your church to look into it.
    II Corinthians 10:5 is my life verse. God bless you with love.

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    • It saddens me that as a church we are so 'naccissistic' in that we never want to recognize the sins we have within ourselves. We walk around with an I'm/Your baptized so sin does not exist within us mentality. We hold a perspective that doesn't give breathe or air to the hurts, habits and hangups that we all have as sinners coming to a forgiving God.
      It deeply hurts me that I would have to 'leave' my church to attend to my core personal spiritual growth. The SDA church needs to reconcile itself in this regard if we are to live up to the command of the Third Angels Message.

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      • As I have mentioned before I have seen both the best and worst of the Seventh-day Adventist church in my forty-odd years of denominational employment. We all need to learn some humility but at the same time I thank the many spiritual mentors that I have had over the years who have demonstrated the true meaning of "journeying together on our spiritual life". Leaders who say sorry; theologians who admit they still have much to learn; elders who have told me that they have made a mistake and need prayers. I feel no need to leave the church because, for all its faults, the church needs us if it is to grow spiritually. While the church can be ponderously slow at times we need to remember that we are not in a TV sitcom where the solution comes dramatically within 60 minutes. It grows slowly and imperceptibly, like an old oak tree.

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        • It's a good point that you make. We may at times feel feel alone and unsupported but clinging onto and trusting Christ in those moments is the way. Healing our wounds can be a lengthy process and the time differs for individuals. Once we mature through a particular issue we become able to mentor others that we come across suffering with a similar issue that we have some experience with. It's up to individuals who recognise the help that God has supported them with to be open to helping others. What I'm saying is that the healing process shouldn't be facilitated only through a programme in the church but we should be supporting one another in the body of Christ. Our church is imperfect as are all churches but I find some genuinely sincere Christlike people there too.

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  16. Our grandson is 11. He said he doesn't want to live with us anymore because of the cursing and outburst from his grandfather towards his mom and me. It can be for any reason, as small as the table cloth being crooked. The outburst can last for hours, even when no one else says a thing. However, after our grandson told his grandfather that he wants to move, my husband has shut himself up in his room and is crying loudly. This is scary to us. He is disabled and jokely has said that he would shoot all of us and himself. Then tell God he gave it his best shot. Over the years I have been in counseling for depression and anxiety. God has delivered me. I think my husband was abused emotionally as a child. My feelings are all over the place right now. We just purchased a new house so it would be large enough for everyone. Now he is saying he will go back to the old house and live on the first floor by himself. We didn't say anything and I think that really affected him. We have prayed for him for years. He has said that he probably would be dead if his wife and daughter hadn't prayed for him. I am not perfect. I have fussed back at him, but that only seems to make him more angry. I have learned that responding only adds fuel to the fire. I'm sad about the situation. My pastor said we can't change another person. I pray that our family be healed. However, God is with each of us.

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    • At least you still have hope that God is with each of you. Good for you. I don't. I feel as though God has abandoned me.

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  17. Donnetta, your first responsibility is to provide safety for your grandson and you. If you think your husband's threat is serious, you need to get to safety. Your pastor may not be able to change anyone, but he can help provide a shelter.

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  18. Donetta, my heart hurts for you and your grandson. I can see this is taking a heavy toll on your family. Your husband does not sound mentally stable. His behavior has affected you deeply and now that of your innocent eleven year old grandson who is pleading for relief. I am encouraging you that it is past time for you to set some stern boundaries. Either your husband agrees to seek help and treatment with accountability or you agree that he should go live by himself. I strongly encourage you to get some help as well, to know how to set the necessary boundaries. If you are afraid of telling him these things ask the pastor or a trusted friend (preferably male) to be with you while you do it. Life is short and this is no way to live it for any of you, particularly for your grandson who is caught in the middle and deserves a peaceful home. It's scary to set this kind of boundary. I know because I've had to set my own. But the peace gained by doing so cannot be measured. Remember that we are to live in peace "as far as possible." God cares about your marriage but not more than he cares about your heart. And who knows, the boundary may cause your nusband to turn around and seek help. Lastly I encourage you to buy and read the books by Leslie Vernick on Emotionally Destructive Relationships. Big hug to you my friend.

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    • And I also want to encourage you to immediately seek shelter from your husband. Threats to hurt you and your precious grandson and his Mom should be taken seriously. Do NOT delay in taking action to do so. A restraining order sounds like it's in order along with the tough boundaries I've mentioned.

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    • I am actually studying this book, The Emotionally Destructive Marriage: How to Find Your Voice and Reclaim Your Hope", and what an eye opener, not only for marriages but for all relationships. It's difficult to think about the wrongs people commit against us when a person wants to look at only the good in others. But as William points out, in many of the comments in this post, some people are in harms way and need to get out of harms way. Emotionally destructive patterns can be very ingrained in people and we need to recognize these behaviors and not feed or encourage them. It causes heartache to deal with emotionally destructive people. May God continue to give us all His grace as we deal with the difficulties in our lives and at the same time stay true to Him.
      Top Notch Post William, Thank you.

      PS I now notice there's another book, called "Emotionally Destructive Relationships", and maybe I'll have to read that next.

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  19. im married to someone with definate narcisstic traights..(it has caused havoc) it affects your health..and you never know when the next rage will be..as any thing can cause it..and(most always) nothing you did wrong..and they have impossible expectations. he absolutely had emotional abuse starting in early childhood..im sure did not have needs met..(rt emotionally abusive aclholic father) and vain selfish mother.
    i already have health issues..so it makes the situation even worse.
    i am going to move away (leaving in two weeks) to work on health et..
    it is alwasy a dilema bc these people are not trying to be "bad" they also have good quatlities..(as well as he manages a business) and hard working. but def emotional issues..and treats our cats..like you would a beloved child bc needs nururting..no matter how kind or normal i am..or if i were perfect it would make no difference bc they simply do not have the capacity to relate up close in healthy ways. i was totally oblivious to the fact of how detremental childhood abuse is to persons and their future spouses and/relatinships ..except i knew people who have had sexual abuse have life long isseus..however emotional abuse..and criticisms in early childhood def causes serious emotional issues. i have found the less upset i get and the least angry i become helps me and him..and i approach it more in that i love you and care about you but you are very unhealthy for me and i cant do this anymore..and i dont know if il ever be able to live with you.
    i have no more answers..and (if you want to go back to counseling and stay in it) and also i feel get a real and deep relatinship with God as he and a miracle is the only thing that can help you.
    it has been a horrible situation..the cursing and rage and ridiculousness..by someone who appeared as the kindess, sweetest..most polite and polished individual until you marry and the behavior starts immediately. i have to believe that God can help anyone..however these types..seldom want help..are often shallow spiritually..and lack emotional depth..yet mature and capable in other ways..it is very sad..however they are detrimental to their spouses and if dont change..it is impossible to be healthy. even if they do it wont be easy. nevertheless they are humans and they do want connection..just so volatile when in that mode..so im not sure what im doing except i am moving away for now (re need to for health reasons) to a different state..where different climate..et..(however..it also will be a good time to evaluate if i should stay on own) and also will work on trying to be able to work and be independant..its vv hard..i feel for anyone in theses situations..please pray for me..

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    • I will pray for you and I am in a similar situation. And need some supernatural intervention in Jesus Holy name The Bible declares deliverance of demonic spirits and anything that is not of God by His Stripes. I didn't know my husband was like this and I have been widowed before we have 8 kids all together. He left us and I have no support or medical I know to hold him accountable and I am trusting for restoration and healing in Jesus name.
      I am asking that No Weapons Formed Against me shall prosper and that Gods Word does not turn back void and that God has Divine Intervention. I trust this and believe this because it is Gods will that no man shall perish and He allows for divorce but does not command us to, me personally I have biblical grounds for one, but I am convicted to give God room to work and hold him accountable out of love. And pray prayerful prayers LOL. Faith we walk by Faith, and not by sight, for we walk for things hoped for that have not been seen as if they already exist in Jesus name. Bless you and us all in this journey!!!

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  20. Hi all. I have stumbled upon this post because I have recently had some issues in my marriage in which my wife has told me I am a Narcissist. Other times I did not believe her but after reading the signs and the actions I believe she is right that I am a narcissist. Reading some of the posts I have come to believe that my wife must be feeling the same way as some of you who are in the relationship with a narcissist. I love her but I have not always been able to feel for her. I am broken up by the pain I have caused her and definitely would like some help in dealing with my behavior. I am a Christian but I have fallen from Christ in recent years and I pray that by admitting my faults that I can start to begin a process of understanding and overcoming my narcissism through God's word. Please pray for my wife that she has the strength to deal with me through this process and our family as a whole. Thank you for the inspiring words that I've read through these posts. [Pseudonym used for privacy reasons.]

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    • Dear Repentant, We thank the Lord that this post was able to help you recognize your sin problem. You are now where the Lord can give you a new "heart of flesh." Just confess your self-centeredness to the Lord and admit that you don't have the power to change. Ask Him to take your heart and change it, because you cannot give it. Recognize that your marriage is not all about you, and ask the Lord to show you how to love your wife. It might help you to know that feeling listened to feels very much like being loved. So you can start by telling your wife just what you posted here and apologize for not listening before. Ask her to help you recognize when you are acting in a narcissistic manner, and then *listen* to her. It may be that the Lord allowed you to come to this place in life in order to save you.

      I highly recommend a reading or re-reading of the book, Steps to Christ, which contains this gem:

      "Consecrate yourself to God in the morning; make this your very first work. Let your prayer be, “Take me, O Lord, as wholly Thine. I lay all my plans at Thy feet. Use me today in Thy service. Abide with me, and let all my work be wrought in Thee.” This is a daily matter. Each morning consecrate yourself to God for that day. Surrender all your plans to Him, to be carried out or given up as His providence shall indicate. Thus day by day you may be giving your life into the hands of God, and thus your life will be molded more and more after the life of Christ." Steps to Christ, p. 70.

      You can read the whole book online if you follow the link above, or you can get your own paper or electronic copy at Amazon. (I treasure my leather-bound, marked-up copy, but I can't find anything similar to point you to.)

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    • I seriously doubt you are a true narcissist,if you wrote this and are that repentant. A true narcissist has extreme trouble breaking through their denial and defenses. That does not mean you might not have some narcissistic traits or selfish attitudes, learned in hour childhood, by behaviors patterned to you, or own you own. Nevertheless if you are feeling sorry for you wife,and if you admit you've fallen from Christ, you probably have a lot to work with. Getting counseling is the first step, and being able to repent and grow and change.

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    • Dear Repentant, Sometimes understanding how psychology intersects with the bible is the first step to change. You see, we are all born with original sin, we are all born with narcissistic tendencies. Original sin can be summed up as selfishness, and the opposite therefore selflessness. God gave us two commandments which were the most important, Love God and the Love others. The word used is Greek "Agape" which was generically translated into English as "love" but the true Greek definition is, empathy, compassion and selflessness. The exact opposite of narcissism. You see, if you can understand the correlation, and then realize your focus is not to focus on how to not be a narcissist, but rather, how to to be selfless. Lose yourself, empty yourself of self, and allow God, (God is love) to fill you. Lose the self in everything you do. Practice practice practice being selfless and you will get there 😉

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      • We need to be very careful about the use of the term "Original Sin" because originally it was a Roman Catholic doctrine on the sinful nature of man. While there are some parallels with the Adventist views, there are also significant differences. In short, we believe we inherit our propensity to sin from Adam, but we make our own choices. A short comment such as this, is insufficient to explore the details of the difference and those who are interested may like to look at a range of Adentist commentary on the issue. Itisprobable best to express the ideas of our sinful nature without using the term, Original Sin, to avoid some of the baggage that we asuciate with this term.

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    • I am grateful for this article as well. I too consider myself a narcissist in recovery...its causes and cures are complex. There are many people out there willing to criticize people with this disorder but not many willing to help those who are trying to recover from it. This article is very helpful. I believe that all things are possible with God. Any help and advice is appreciated.

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      • Missn, I believe that the most helpful thing is to regularly spend time contemplating the life of Christ, especially its closing moments. For this is it helpful to prayerfully read the Gospels, asking God to speak to us through these Scriptures. It is also very helpful to read either Humble Hero (modern adaptation of the Desire of Ages), or Desire of Ages itself. You can find both free online at http://egwwritings.org/, or you can buy a Kindle or Paperback version by clicking on the links.

        I find that the more time I allow Jesus to speak to me through His Word and the more I speak to Him in prayer as to a friend, and the more time I spend with Him doing His work on this planet, the more self recedes into the background.

        To overcome narcissism, I believe it is necessary to consecrate ourselves to God in the morning, making this our very first work. We can lay all our plans at His feet, being willing to carry these out or give them up as His leading shall indicate. In this way, we can daily become more like Jesus - the One who is the polar opposite from the original narcissist, also known as Satan.

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        • I agree with you...I spend all my time learning and trying to practice spiritual ways and getting over the \"self\" which is the cause of all our problems. I am also learning to pray rather than think since thinking seems to be at the root of most of the problems.

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  21. Everything I have read has touched my heart of hearts and I am so grateful to God even in this time of pain. Something I heard (I think) because although I don't remember when or where it came from it is very clear. The first question God asks in the Bible is to Cain after Cain killed him "Where is your brother Abel" and Cain responds "Am I my brothers Keeper?". Great example of how it all starts and a good description of the narcissistic issue. The entire bible is an answer to that question. Yes....that is the journey I truly believe. Thank you....thank you.....!

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  22. Let us pray for each other as we all need God's grace.My heart goes out to those in pain and I'm not excluded from that.
    Our God is able to hear heal and help us to be restored when He forgives us

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  23. [Posted under pseudonym]
    Married 17 yrs, 3rd time back 15 mo. This time. Narcisstic partner has broke me mentally once more and is in process of replacing me. I wasn't raised in church And believe if there is anything that can help .. It's God. Need a miracle!

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    • Hi there, I would like to recommend two books to you. Melody Beattie's 'Codependent No More' and 'The Human Magnet Syndrome' by Ross Rosenberg. It helps to have self awareness when you are the recipient of abuse and keep returning to it. It's good to start reading about how you can help yourself and your significant other by having healthy boundaries. I wish I'd started this 25 years ago. God bless you.

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      • I think Narcissism is a Biblical topic because self started in heaven with Lucifer, and then Adam and Eve sinned, and we inherited their sinful nature and the bent towards sinning. Romans 5. However, not everyone develops destructive attitudes and behaviors towards other human beings and creatures, and not everyone is a recipient of destructive attitudes and behaviors.

        At this time, I am not convinced that codependency is a Biblical concept. Recently, I read two of Melody Beattie's books, because over 20 years ago I had read her books. This time around, I found her books were not helpful. Part of the problem I discovered, is that the idea of "codependency" is confusing and I don't find the ideas solution oriented. I could not find a clear, helpful or consistent definition of codependent or codependency in Melody's books, or on the internet, or in any other books that I have on my shelf that discuss the topic of codependency.

        "The Codependency Conspiracy" book by Dr. Stan J. Katz, opened my eyes and lead me back to reading the Bible and Ellen G. White's "Ministry of Healing", especially the chapters on Mind Cure, The Family and Help in Daily Living. And Leslie Vernick's Bible based, solution-oriented books, in my opinion, are the best for identifying harmful, narcissist, and destructive behaviors.

        My emotional healing journey began in 1994, when I started reading many books, including Melody Beattie's, and also started private and group therapy. I was looking for solutions to change me and my life. Rather than the books available at the time, it was the solution-oriented therapy that helped me with my problems. The therapists released me from their services because I had recovered from the current, identifiable problems that had resulted from emotional, physical and sexual abuse that was in my childhood and adult life.

        Through Jesus Christ and the Holy Spirit, I have already received some healing, and now that I see I am still experiencing the effects of destructive relationships, I can see a solution, a way out, and I believe in the healing of the mind and emotions, and full recovery.

        To Missn: Yes, totally agreed. Forgiveness is part of the solution. Distancing may also be part of the solution when the other party will not get help to recover and repent.

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        • I don\'t buy into the Lucifer and sinful nature thing at all..but what I do believe that self absorption and self centeredness, the self rather than the divine nature, is what this condition is all about and the trial that each of us have to go through. To that end, the bible speaks the truth. Until we can BE Love, we can remain in the trap of this dysfunction and others like it. For a spiritual book, the bible is pretty good with this psychology stuff. Remember, narcissists do not love themselves and do not even know what love is...it is not something we are always taught to do. Until we learn that the goal is to BE THE LOVE we seek, we are subject to the finite laws of the self which can never know happiness. That only comes when we are able to learn how to love and how to serve. That ends the burden and isolation of the separate self.

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        • Hi I have realized that I am a malignant narcissist. I am a 50 year old woman and I am devastated. I always knew I could be cold and insensitive but now I realize that true narcissism is a reprobate mind. I am living in constant fear can't leave my home,I know it is too late for me because I have not been able to truly repent. After reading in depth about personality disorders, I have narcissism, antisocial and histrionic. I realized there was something really wrong with me when I wasn't excited about my grandbaby being born. I never bonded with her and don't even want to be around her. I am in such despair because I know I am going to hell. God has revealed just how bad this is and I have actually had it all my life. It just keeps manifesting. Each day is worse then the last and I know I am close to death because of the way I am acting now. I am terrified! There is no hope for the malignant narcissist. Narcissist makes this choice and when they realize it is too late it is devastating!

          (4)
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          • Kim it is not too late! Jesus is the savior of the world and that includes narcissists. Please click of the May Clinic link at the beginning of this post and contact them for help. We will be praying for you. Stay in the Word of God whether you feel like it or not. Study the life of Christ. By beholding you will become changed.

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          • Lighten up there Kim. For one thing, if you are one, you are not in denial and most narcissists are in denial or they are not willing to address their behavior. It is never too late...if you are still on this earth, it is not too late. And besides. I thought God decided those things...not we humans. I may not think like other people here, but hell is living without love, not being able to love and if we want to...we ask God for help. So, I am pretty aware of my narcissitic tendencies...most of us have them...and I pray asking the creator to take anything away that might separate me from Him. There are many routes to go and some of us here follow lots of them. Among other things, I am also a follower of a Course in Miracles, so in the end, I do what Christ said...I pray about everything. I meditate about everything. I don\'t have to go around kissing babies (I am actually more of an animal person) but I can be considerate, have compassion and empathy and do my best to do no harm. We all have the tendencies to one extent or another, and there is help if you want it ... both from above and from others. But don\'t be hard on yourself... that for starters, that is the ego at work. You want God to work through you, not your ego. Glad to see you are like the rest of us...plugging away at self improvement.

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          • To Kim I am 50 years old also and I realized the same thing I wasn't happy about my grandbaby being born and I never bonded with her I have since had another grandbaby and I am in the same state as before and each day does get worse than the day before I feel like I have a reprobate mind also I am in constant fear and I can't leave my home

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          • You are a brave woman and i really respect your honesty,please hold one and believe in God and yourself, its never too late ,we will pray for you just keep on trying and changing to the right path.

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          • Hello Kim- I realize this is 4 years later, but for anyone dealing with this disorder, please dont give up. I was exactly in your spot and finally was able.to repent and God heard my cry. Keep crying out!!! He will hear and save u!!! He knows our hearts and will save u when u want him. U must be absolutely at the end of yourself and totally desperate and then I promise he will save u. Just dont give up!!!

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  24. Bro. William, you truly opened a topic that has been laying dormant in so many relationships!!! I realize from the responses to your article, there are so many, many people hurting and in need of help! I will pray for my sisters and brothers that they will find courage in knowing God loves them and they receive support from pastors, friends and family to help them become stronger. May God bless you in your work and for this article.

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    • Thank you for the article William; I like what Jane Sirignano wrote on august 31 2013. My daughter gave me some excellent words of Truth. Most people want remember your name, and all our appearance change with time, but the things we remember is how a person made us feel. have a bless day.

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      • I would also like to say, as those people remember others who hurt them, I also remember the times I have hurt others with my words or deeds. That is equally hard to live with.

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        • Yes I agree, this relationship has brought me to my knees about my own past narcissistic behavior and has made very aware of where I am today. I am grateful to God for that. God has put me one step further away from the spectrum. First by giving me the awareness and then going through the pain of involving myself with one that is way down the road and does not believe in God. He is dying now and I don't know how to act or what to say to him. I broke it up with him over a year ago. Slowly and it was a process but I finally detached myself physically and now dealing with detaching emotionally. How am I to act now that he is dying??? Help please.

          I would like to hear from you about now that I have managed (actually GOD did it there is no doubt in my mind and heart) to move away from this man. It was a gradual process that took about a year. Back and forth. Now he is dying and in hospital and I just do not know how I am to behave or what to do? He is as mean and immature as always and does not believe in God. He blames me for all his woe's and claims to love me to death. Something that I have learned to take quite literally. It is mind boggling the vindictive things he has done in the name of LOVE. After all this God is great because I know today that I do not know hate. I know anger quite well but there is no hate. It hurts...wish I could hate him sometimes... it might be easier to deal with his pending passing.

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          • I agree...sometimes when I think of all the things I have done that have hurt people I feel devastated by my own behavior. Other times I get angry at other people who I had asked for advice (so blame) only to realize that really, in the end, the condition is my own and blame is just part of the problem. Simply put, I could not love and if we cannot love people we get hurt. When we hurt others we hurt ourselves. its karma and it\'s inevitable. But the important thing, I think, is to learn from our past and try to change. God doesn\'t live in the past...only we do. So if we are living back there we are not working at changing or improving ourselves in the present...and that is the important thing.

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  25. Hello everyone:
    I am learning so much about this disease just from reading the many posts. I'm a first time contributor. When I was little girl in Trinidad we sang a chorus, which, for me is the answer to narcissism in a nutshell. The name of the chorus is JOY - "J-o-y, J-o-y, this must surely mean, Jesus first, yourself last and others in between." Simple but strong, and the message, indelibly imprinted in young hearts and minds lasts. I'm 69 now and the words still have a profound effect on me and helps to guide me whem making decisions. God be with us all as we draw nearer to Him. Blessings! Blessings!

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  26. I have a question about this...what about passive/aggressive behavior? Is it related to this and is this something else we pray away?

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    • I believe passive aggressive behavior is a symptom of multiple root problems. Narcissists are notoriously passive aggressive in my experience, but that doesn't mean all passive aggressive people are narcissists.
      None of this is just prayed away--changing any behavior requires challenging core beliefs associated with the behavior, and replacing bad habits with good ones. It takes constant work to do the right thing instead of the wrong thing. But we do need prayer to draw strength to face the challenges, and to come to know and love God more.

      (4)
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    • from my experience, I is definitely linked.When ever you communicate your concerns or problems that you have about their attitude, they stonewall you and give you this passive aggressive behaviour and it can be very draining.They are also experts in give silent treatment as well.I believe God is able and His grace is sufficient to heal such a one but the start point for the healing process is for one to admit that they have a problem.

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  27. What you wrote really broke my heart because I have been told a few times that I am passive aggressive and work hard to overcome it and always it makes me so sad to think that narcissism could be at the root of the problem. I continue to try hard to overcome this aware that it is not something a person can overcome alone... prayer is not the only answer but with luck it will help prevent more problems.

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    • If you suffered from Narcissistic Personality Disorder, I don't think you'd be the kind of person who would take critique from others and use it to work hard and better yourself. Another classic symptom of NPD is delusion. The fact that you work to fix something about yourself should give you hope that whatever the root problem is, you can overcome it.

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  28. Thank you. I should also say that I am still in recovery from a relationship with someone who has NPD that ended four years ago. Among other things he told me that he authored all of Nicholas Sparks books, wrote for Elton John and produced some of Joni Mitchell\'s and Bette Midler\'s best songs. Of course it turned out to be all a lie (but I can be easily mislead)...someone said later he was delusional so what you said kind of adds to my suspicions that he was the one with the disorder even though he told me I had it. It has been very hard to recover from this.

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  29. Sometimes I see things in pictures for some reason and although I should hate this man for everything he did and did not do.....the picture I see is him in a balloon. I can barely see him but I can see that he is there inside the balloon. A balloon that is to inflated and blown up to tight that getting near it or touching it would make it explode. Not only has all this air in the balloon keeping him trapped but it is also keeping anyone from touching him. I feel such grief sometimes but then I remember when I was still trying to understand him and make things work and one day I had another picture....an injured rattlesnake that was dying and every time I would reach out to try and help the dying snake would try to bite me. Lord.....you are the only one that can help this person. Only God's strong yet gentle hands can undo the knot on the balloon and deflate it slowly and gently so he doesn't suffer too much.

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  30. I have tried to hate the person who hurt me...I have condemned and criticized him in every way just like I have tried to have strong negative feelings toward a parent who rejected me. But the thing is, those negative feelings are not about them, they are about me. Of course we loved them and cared on some level, but that love is still about us and who we are. So we cannot not have bad feelings or wishes or anything else because to know \"God\" we have to be love and have to overcome negative feelings, revengeful feelings, any type of dark feelings inside us because that separates us from our higher source. Were we hurt. You bet. Were we humiliated. Yup. Were we rejected...yes...it hurts lots. But still, all of those things are about them, not us. We must find the love inside ourselves.

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    • Dear Missn,

      Your comment made me cry and I understand so well your feelings. At times I have wished for the people that have hurt me to be dead. However I now realize they have a right to live and I need to have forgiveness in my heart. When the womanizer died, whom I got pregnant from, I had to go to the wake to see him in the casket so I could forgive him. Not only for what he had done to me, but to the other children and their mothers that had also been in his life.

      Having grown up in a home full of narcissists, 2 parents and 7 siblings, I went through much hurt and pain, but didn't realize it until decades later. I left home at 17, with early high school graduation, because I couldn't take the emotional abuse from the whole family and the physical abuse from my father. I had no clue what I had grown up with but when I went into therapy in 1994, I started reading books and learned some things.

      I hadn't recovered though. Last year I started reading again and my emotional, spiritual and intellectual "eyes" are opening. It's less pain than 20 years ago, when for about four years I was so depressed, and could cry any time I saw a family that looked happy. Now, at almost 60 years old, it's feeling rather dreadful to look back on a life full of mistakes.

      I wasn't clear about emotionally destructive people until I read the book, Emotionally Destructive Marriage: How to Find Your Voice and Reclaim Your Hope< /em> by Leslie Vernick, and the next of Leslie's books I am reading is The Emotionally Destructive Relationship: Seeing It, Stopping It, Surviving It. There are many other helpful books that end up on my night stand too.

      Emotionally destructive people can cause as much or more harm than physically destructive people. Having been emotionally and intellectually abandoned by my family, including the relatives that were all too busy with themselves and/or drinking, I ended up attracted to people who emotionally abandoned me because that was all I knew for most of my life.

      So I am now doing what I can to recover and it is still painful. I look at the sun rising in the morning, with much love from God, knowing that God holds me in the palm of His hand, and he has allowed all these things in my life for a reason. And I pray for complete healing and pray that God will yet use me for helping others. His Ways are not our ways and the most important thing is to receive, know and give the Love of God.

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      • Oh my! This felt like I was reading my life story through your words. I realize there must be so many people out there who have been emotionally scarred by a parent, sibling, husband, etc. I pray often to our Lord and Savior for healing. Thank God we have Someone to go to that can restore us to wholeness.

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      • Dear Ann,
        I am so sorry for your pain. I am glad you look up at the sun rising in the morning with much love from God. You are not alone. He is always with you. We are all Children of God and in my deepest belief, I have only one Father. I have written this link of all God's Word I know about His love for you and for us all. I don't believe He 'allowed' all these things in your life for a reason. I believe he suffered alongside you. God hates suffering. He has given us free will and I believe it hurts him just as much to know what some of His Children do with his gift of free will. I believe He carries us through or we would not have survived. The loss will always be the dis-eased of mind. The genuine love you give and receive is all that matters in this world. God will deal with what others do at their appointed time and there is always an appointed time. I hope you find immense comfort as I did in His Word -
        http://www.fathersloveletter.com/text.html

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      • Forgiveness is the key...because as they say, it changes us. It might do nothing for the other person and actually has little to do with the other person, but it has everything to do with healing the darkness inside of us.

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  31. My hatred kept me stuck. Now I realize it is killing me, not them. They don\'t know I exist so it seems kind of dumb to go on hating because that doesn\'t hurt anyone but me. Sometimes I think our whole job on this earth is to overcome the hurts and negativities of this world and all the tests that are put before us...this is one of our tests. Anything that tests our ability to be love is a test of our ability to have a relationship with God. We don\'t have to be in relationship with those people....we don\'t even have to talk to them again or we can, it\'s a choice...but we do have to find a way to overcome any hatred or bitterness inside ourselves. However, I think we do have to work at overcoming our codependence or we will continue to attract the same kinds of people into our lives. I love what you said about God using us to use this for the good.

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    • Hello Kim- I realize this is 4 years later, but for anyone dealing with this disorder, please dont give up. I was exactly in your spot and finally was able.to repent and God heard my cry. Keep crying out!!! He will hear and save u!!! He knows our hearts and will save u when u want him. U must be absolutely at the end of yourself and totally desperate and then I promise he will save u. Just dont give up!!!

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      • I'm praying so hard for my narcissistic boyfriend that his heart is softened toward God and myself, I love him dearly and don't want to give up on him. How do u handle this, I feel God joined us together for a reason, he is giving me the silent treatment these last 2 weeks and it hurts so much.

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        • Keep in prayer and fasting w/true mentor in God's family.Because he is using silent treatment for you to take his load.If God's true will for you to stay,he will be willing to get help & be accountable.From experience.Look to Jesus 1st &formost our author & finisher.

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      • I have just recently been informed by my daughter that I’m a narcissist. I honestly didn’t know that was a disorder. I’ve read a lot about it and agree with her. My daughters do not want to have anything to do with me unless I get help through therapy. I’m no longer allowed to see my grandsons and they used to spend several weekends a month with us. I’m devastated to say the least. I’ve been looking for scripture help online and found this site. Thanks for sharing! Please pray for me if you see this. God is greater than this and I’m determined to get my family back.

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      • You really think God can change narcissists? I am a narcissist but I want to stop hurting people. I dont know how but I am attending therapy to talk about my narcissism. I just want my family and others to heal, and if its without me, so be it. Hopefully God can give me more insight in my bad ways.

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  32. When I thought more about what you said, I thought, that is why bad things happen, they teach us how to love and have compassion....you know? And those are the only things that give meaning to life. God works in mysterious ways.

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  33. Thank you for this lesson. I have been seeking God's guidance in dealing with an individual that I believe to be a narcissist. These post are very helpful to that end. Again, THANK-YOU.

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  35. That is what happens when we shut God out...we shut everything out because we are unable to be and practice real love

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  38. I want to thank William for opening this discourse. It is a line of help to those really searching for help to overcome toxic narcissism. I pray that those suffering this condition to any degree will be led by the Holy Spirit to take responsibility for who they are now even though their neglect was inflicted by someone else. It is up to them to will to change and bring their painful burdens to God and the feet of the cross for forgiveness and restoration. He told us to pray '... And deliver us from evil'. It is possible. Believe. And to those who love people suffering with these tendancies, please start to take care of yourselves. Read and learn how to protect yourselves and your families from the harm.

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  39. I believe that narcissism often comes from unmet inner needs and usually that starts in childhood. The craving for that love and attention from the outside causes people to do terrible and violent things and as someone above here said, discard people because they find that over and over again, people cannot give them what they need. I know what this is like. I have been discarded a couple times...and I have discarded. But as people here keep saying over and over again, it is not until we learn, all of us that the love we are looking for does not come from out there, we build it inside and it does come from being in relationship with a higher source. Overcoming narcissism then, if a person wants to, is all about changing ourselves. I still do not know how to overcome the hurt of those who threw me away, the pain from that runs deep, but then I know that to hold onto that anger and shame only hurts me...God would never throw me away...not ever. The people who did that are not well and will never be happy until they change themselves to be in relation with the higher power...I can only change myself by learning to forgive because unforgiveness kills me.

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  40. Narcissism can be very difficult to identify, especially when we are in denial or we are fearful about our relationships with people who are destructive.

    For anyone interested in identifying destructive emotional patterns,
    Leslie Vernick has some short videos for the next nine weeks, "What is Emotional Abuse, When is the Line Crossed?"

    The videos are most helpful for married people but the same ideas apply to unmarried and the traits of a narcissist are similar whether the person is married or not.

    Leslie Vernick is a Bible-based speaker, author, licensed clinical social worker and relationship coach and her books are clearly written and helpful.

    http://leslievernick.com/

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  41. I would like to know if these videos would also be good for those who either have it or are in recovery from it....I think the answer lies in our ability to overcome our focus on self, selfishness, and learn to be compassionate and empathetic and get over trying to have our own way. It is hard to overcome and easy to be in denial about. Unfortunately there are not many groups around for those people trying to recover...but for sure..our ability to find God, which is love is a sure sign

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  42. Narcissism is the spiritual AIDS of our time in the last days. If you rely on the mental health community or believe that narcissism is simply a selfishness induced by a bad mommy or some trauma in youth, you would be wrong on all counts. Once the word narcissism comes into your world and you have an inkling to research and know more, you will be shocked at the planet of information and what true and complete knowledge will unfold. I encourage all sufferers and victims to do this (know your enemy). When you do you will see that they cannot be fixed by any person, only God. It is not a mental illness or a disease because they know right from wrong and choose to do wrong and in fact enjoy inflicting pain, misery and confusion. The ONLY cure is to get out, get time and distance, go no contact or gray rock if you can't get out and only that will give clarity. Narcissism is a big list of behaviors just as AIDS is a disease of many other opportune diseases. I concluded they are born this way but encouraged by spoiling and any trauma they have is due to their behavior or divine justice. We are in the last days and narcissism is rampant. Pray and definitely get educated.

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    • @Kim: You're right that narcissism is not a mental illness, it's a pattern of behaviors. It's definitely rooted in sin. The only cure to sinful habits is God, as you said. However, the science of psychology is a legitimate one, and just as God created physics, and physicists seek to discover what's already there, psychologists seek to discover and document the "science" of human nature. No one can be truly cured from any disorder without the ultimate Truth (God). But that doesn't mean that what people have discovered from psychology is UNtrue. It's simply...not the whole thing. Real progress can be made from turning even to secular therapy to treat a disorder such as narcissism, but I don't think any person can be fully healed and happy without finding God as well.
      Maybe I misunderstand what you mean here. But narcissists are not simply born that way, and even without God they are never stuck that way. Saying that implies they have no free will. It also implies they are born with these sinful habits, which is untrue. A person always has adequate grace to overcome any struggles the right way; God never gives us crosses we can't carry.
      Also, there's no way to know we are in the last days. Jesus told his disciples even HE doesn't know--only the Father knows. It's not right to go spreading that rumor around when it's impossible for any of us to know that.

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      • Janet I believe you and Kim both make very vailid points. All sin is sickness which ultimately leads to death. I had a preacher in my teens who always said all sin is insanity. Its true. It is insane to think that sin is a good idea or solution for anything. As far as whether or not a narcicist is actually born that way or not, I believe we all are born selfish and we all need to be born again, narcisists included.

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      • The Bible says that Jesus Christ said that His second coming is only known by the Father. However, we would know we are in the last days by a list of signs that the times would be wicked as in the days of Noah. Narcissism is rampant. Narcs are moral terrorists meaning they have none.

        Those who are uneducated or only half educated on N will look for the reasons these people do the things they do so that they can help or fix them. In my own very extensive search to be educated and my own personal experience of Narcs as young as two and those who are old and the heartbreaking letters and stories of victims, all with the common thread is what led me to the conclusion that they are born and not made to be this way. If they are made, they can be unmade and fixed. It may be a hard truth, but the fact is they cannot be fixed.

        For victims, the only true way out of N hell, is to know the enemy, face facts, and plan accordingly. I am seeing a lot of confusion here. Unless you are willing to do the work of educating yourself on what it is, how they operate and what you can expect from them now and tomorrow, you are doomed to hell on earth. There really is only one way out. That is getting out and going no contact. Learning gray rock if you can't and/or while secretly planning to get out. And that is the bitter truth which some of us who got out had to mourn. Narcissism is evil. It is not just one or two traits. I stand by my statement. Narcissism is the spiritual AIDS or our time. Accept it or not. It is your choice.

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        • Kim,

          But if narcissists are born that way and cannot be changed, that undermines free will. It's not possible. You're saying a narcissist is born sinful, evil, proud, selfish, apathetic, etc., and they are powerless to change. That means they don't have free will and don't control their actions, which is in direct contradiction to the truth--God made us free to choose to do what we want.

          You're also implying they can't be changed even with God's help, which is obviously untrue since all things are possible with God. What you're saying doesn't make sense.

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          • I think what she means and Kim please correct me if I am wrong, is that as a disabled blind person is born unable to see, he has some limitations. But with God all things are possible, so God can help this blind person drive a car. A narcissist i believe is born that way. Hereditary I believe. I see it with one of my daughters acting in a way from birth that her narc father acts. I believe if they want to change, God can and will help them, but they would need to want that change.

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    • We need to be careful that we do not over simplify the issue of narcissism. I know some fine Christian friends who are narcissistic and who in spite of prayer and psychological help, still battle the condition. There is no core, but there are ways to ensure that it does not control your life. Prayer can be helpful but I have seen people praying and at the same time rejecting real help from those with experience in combating the condition.

      There are many human conditions that are the result of sin. Some of them are a result of bad choices that we make, and others afflict us through no fault of our own, simply because we live in a world affected by sin. One we recognise this complexity we need to use whatever means God has provided to overcome or bear our condition.

      A few years ago I lost part of my sight. I wanted my vision restored so I prayed about it and took the best advice I had and went to a vitreo-retinal surgeon. 12 months later, I still only had partial vision and I know that my vision is never going to get better (it has just been saved from getting a whole lot worse) I have had to adapt to living with my loss, and have to admit that having lost some vision, I value what I have left a whole lot more. While my condition is physical and narcissism is behavioural, the essential principle is still the same. Living with the condition and accepting help both from God and from people who God puts into your life, is the most effective approach to living.

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    • Hello Kim- I realize this is 4 years later, but for anyone dealing with this disorder, please dont give up. I was exactly in your spot and finally was able.to repent and God heard my cry. Keep crying out!!! He will hear and save u!!! He knows our hearts and will save u when u want him. U must be absolutely at the end of yourself and totally desperate and then I promise he will save u. Just dont give up!!!

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  43. Dear Kim, I have had experience with two narcissists. I managed to place boundaries that freed me from further harm. I've realised that my protection comes from God and me learning to comfortably say 'NO' to any treatment less than such that God wants for me. I tried to read all I could about the disorder and this helped my understanding however there are many different perspectives on the issue whereas God's wisdom and knowledge is complete and unchanging unlike psychologist's awareness.

    Verse:   Proverbs 4:12

    'When you walk, your steps will not be impeded; and if you run, you will not stumble.'

    - The Lord has prepared a path for your footsteps.
    - He is removing the obstacles and hurdles that have been placed in your way.
    - His desire for you is that you would move forward unimpeded.
    - He wants to preserve your life and keep you from falling.

    PRAYER: Lord, I pray that You will open the doors ahead of me and prepare a way for me. May I know Your guiding hand, and keep me from falling. Amen.
    (Pastor Andrew & Vanessa Roebert
    ALIVE TO GOD)

    I agree it is better to be informed but real peace comes from God revealing why YOU personally are a target for a narcissist and leading you through healing and change. I Don't think anyone can 'conclude' that people are born with this disorder. A child's environment does affect his/her character. Unless we were there with the person from birth how could we know? This is what only God knows and we know that He wishes that not one should perish. I agree it's their choice to be saved or not and that any narcissist who seeks honest deliverance from God can be saved. He is the God of love towards all.

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  44. Narcissism in my mind is characterized by vanity and selfishness and there is no way to know God if we are struggling with those behaviors. The first thing to do is to recognize that we even have the condition, the next is, actually partly through prayer because there is no way to know God (which is found in the ability to love) if we are dealing with this. So no negative thoughts, focus on getting over self, and connecting to the higher power.,

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    • Missn I definately believe we need to connect to the Higher Power which is God. However I believe it is a little harsh to say that there is no way to know God if we struggle those behaviors. I thought it was God who helps us win the struggle over those behaviors.

      "I say then: Walk in the Spirit, and you shall not fulfill the lust of the flesh. For the flesh lusts against the Spirit, and the Spirit against the flesh; and these are contrary to one another, so that you do not do the things that you wish." Galatians 5:16-17 NKJV we all struggle with selfishness and vanity and it is by surrendering to God that He gives us the power to oversome our selfish desires so that we do not do the selfish things that we wish but instead walk in the Spirit so we do not give in to the flesh.

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  45. What I mean is is that as long as we are practicing our selfishness, vanity and greed we cannot have a relationship with the higher power...God. However, once he is invited and once we ask for help, I think he is all too willing. That requires are surrender and a certain amount of humility . ..our free will choice.

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  46. Somewhere on this thread someone talked about the importance of prayer...they are absolutely right...whoever said that . I think Christ said something about praying without ceasing...I do that too now and I believe he's right . It reminds us that we can't solve our own problems but also...it kind of tells us something about our standing with God .

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  47. This problem used to have me believing I was married to a demonic. God has humbled me greatly taught me and still wants to use us even when abuse horrible disdain seemed every day; i became co-dependant mood swings very adulterous. Now we live together for parenting teen child. we have given so much discredit to God, being in this relationship now, i seek agape love we are both full of shame, yet we're Christians. The spirit is not the soul; i die to self every day stay free from sex. he pays all the necessities and soon i'm going to become a true missionary few years with my experiences past hopeless focus. I now see more hope in him too, but the disorder never heard before last 20 yrs.

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  48. I have been searching for comfort and solace since realizing I'm not crazy, but married to a nacissist. Most blogs offer little to no info and certainly no hope. I didn't understand the meanness and lack of empathy till it was too late. I was raised by an extremely abusive father who beat and burnt us with cigarettes, from babies (what can a child do to deserve such strong punishment?...and I won't go into all the details, suffice to say I'd often pass out), and was forced to get married at 16. I wasn't pregnant and there was no inappropriate behavior, my dad just wanted to be rid of us as we were very poor.

    I left the first husband after 17 years of dealing with womanizing and pornography, neglect, lies, and it was really hard as my kids suffered most. I had become so used to being abused I often felt I was imagining it and developed a resistance.

    Second husband was a sociopath. He too was addicted to pornography and a consummate liar. Again I didn't see through the fog of the false love till I was married. He said I was a trophy. He cheated and left me after 5 years of marriage and was killed 6 months after the divorce. This almost killed me too. I really didn't see it coming! I had to say goodbye to this man four times!

    After a couple of years I met the man of my dreams. So I thought. I thought cultural barriers made it hard and at that stage I was so far from God I didn't seek His counsel. I did what every codependent does and enabled and apologized for things that weren't my fault, living for the good moments and promising myself to be careful and avoid the bad ones. I had no idea. I had reservations but I believed love and prayer would change things. He is an ex alcoholic and 3 months after meeting me gave up 40 years of smoking. He wasn't a Christian but I believed if he beat the other addictions, he'd get better. I found pornography addiction of the worst kind and suspected cheating. By then I had no job, no home or family to help. Church only cares when the congregation is watching. No one cares. So I married him because it was either that or live in the streets.

    I live in a country where being a foreigner and the wrong color makes it impossible to get a job. I worked for 20 years, but guess what? I believed his lies and resigned because my job was killing me (no human or labour law to speak of in my country). So...now I'm 51. We've not been married even a year yet but together for 3. I feel I'm married to my father. I won't go into details of the abuse and anguish but he's put me in hospital before and I'm lame as a result. No one came to help. Many, including my family knows but he's so charming they don't believe he's done it....so....

    I truly enjoyed this post and the comments. I don't know where to from here and often wonder if God would forgive suicide in my case. It's not always bad, but the walking on eggshells and apologizing for everything and never knowing when the next explosion will be is exhausting. I often sleep my days away. No matter what you do its your fault and they go out of their way to punish you for perceived wrong doing. I recently met the family as I tried to put the pieces together. Because I was sexually and physically, verbally and emotionally abused as a child, I wanted to understand where this originated from with my husband. The mom and dad.

    So I'm also angry and bitter and pray for moms and dads as they have so much power in creating monsters. I'm happy to be able to let out in this forum as I have no one I can trust or help. Being told to get out and to a safe place is good, but when there's no help or a way to support oneself, it's pie in the sky. My family is in another country and the one of my sons who live in this country is gay. Bless his heart, he's got enough self-centered issues not to see anyone else's or care. Who would want to look after mom when life is so good, eh? So I pray. And pray. Often through the night. I give bible studies and try not to abandon the church again though I've been away for over 6 months. Being a foreigner means you're always a stranger. I do believe God can change anything and anyone. But I am so very tired...

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    • My heart goes out to you. I am unsure what country you are in. Here in US nearly every state have a domestic violence shelter. Try to find one near you. Try to find one far. Just get away. Don't let the devil make you think of killing yourself. Keep praying. I will pray for you also.

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    • Gosh this post really affected me. I just don't know anymore. 35 years of marriage. Years of being trodden upon and judged and put down. I can't crawl back again. I haven't hence that 35years obliterated by him. So desperately sad and devastated

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      • Marie, I don't know your situation and can only offer a suggestion from my own observation. This may or may not be helpful and applicable to you.

        Sometimes men control and/or abuse women because the women allow/accept/expect it. In one case I observed that the man, a university professor, abused his first wife, who had been conditioned to be controlled by an older sister (as she tells it now). He did not abuse his second wife in the same manner because she expected to be respected, not controlled. I believe this pattern repeats itself many times.

        But the challenge is how women who have allowed themselves to be controlled/abused for decades can stand up and respect themselves and expect others to respect them. I believe it is possible by the grace and power of God. But it is never easy. It means drawing close enough to God daily to be filled with the certainty of His love so that what others say/do will not shake your confidence. It means being dead to self, so that insults do not discourage. It means standing in the strength of God for what is right.

        It is a fact that others will usually treat us according to what we think of ourselves and the image we project. It is never wrong to pray about it, and if you seek God earnestly, He will answer and make a clear path before you - whether in the marriage or out of it.

        Of course, if escalating physical violence is involved, there is no choice but to flee to preserve personal safety.

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  50. I heard an incredible little story and will never forget it....
    There was an alcoholic mean and nasty husband. Most likely a narcissist. His wife would struggle every day in her heart. She was hurt, and felt rejected....but she had a close relationship with Jesus. She continued to cook and clean and treat him with such kindness and respect. In one of his nasty moods, he finally looks at her and says in a terrible tone "why do you treat me so good?"

    Her reply? She simply said " I figure if you continue to live your life this way, that this will be the best you ever have it" . Shortly after, he became a Christian. She had known that after this worldly life was over, his eternity looked pretty grim. That's self less love...

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  51. Is there any biblical truth or link between Narcissism and Jezebel? I suspect my son may have a Narcissistic tendency, and am not sure if I'm able to help, I would not want to make matters worse, and therefore would prefer to seek professional help for him..God bless all that know of or have been effect by this disease.

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  52. Thanks William for doing this study. I have been raised by two narcissistic parents, one a covert and the other an overt! Imagine my confusion about the love of Christ. It took me 50 years to come to grips with that kind of love. My father is a retired pastor and last Sabbath, he came for a visit to my home church. My husband is the SS teacher and right away, he got confrontational with a member who was commenting on the subject in the discussion. I was so embarrassed that I wanted to crawl under the pew. He is so critical of everyone and I was just wondering whether you had any advice on how to handle him?

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    • Sherrie that is very sad and I'm very sorry to hear that. I think the best you can do is politely avoid them as best you can, but you you still need to care for them as they get older. You can set boundaries, and tell them when they are being innapropriate. As the AS teacher your husband had every right to cut him off and move the discussion along. Anyone else have any ideas?

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  53. I feel the same way as a previous posts are named Kim who said she was 50 I am also 50 I realized something was wrong when I wasn't excited about a grandchild being born I don't want anything to do with her either or my other new grandchild because I don't feel like I love them even my grown children now that I realize what has happened when I'm around them I don't feel love towards them I was in a narcissistic mother it's horrible I do believe in reprobate mind then God will turn you over to one I believe it is one of the greatest sins and I am very fearful to leave my home just like the previous poster name Kim I try to repent but I don't feel it I try to be sincere and I don't feel that I'm being sincere I try to study the word but I don't care I don't think I can change it would take an absolute miracle from God

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  54. I posted here a log time ago lamenting that I'm a narcissist and wondering how I was ever going to change. I had very little faith, extreme anxiety, and cared about myself more than anyone else. I wallowed in self pity and was vicious towards anyone who told me I was wrong.

    But God was working on me still--He wanted to subvert my will to His. It was a slow and gradual process because I didn't often respond to grace when He offered it. But there was one day, almost a year ago, I was literally standing there in my kitchen hating a particular person and thinking angry thoughts about them, when suddenly it felt like my soul was flooded with light and I was made to understand how wrong I was to be so prideful, angry and hateful. I felt called to cultivate humility--as we all are called to do. It was such an obvious infusion of God's grace that I would have had to harden my heart immensely to ignore it. God saved me that day and continues to save me every day from the sin of pride, which is essentially all narcissism is. He makes me more and more aware of when I'm being prideful and all I have to do is ask Him for help in those instances. I still struggle with it and probably always will, but I don't need to sin because of it.

    It can seem hopeless if, like I was, you are a narcissist who feels nothing. If you lack zeal and empathy and charity and everything seems pointless, that's when it's hardest to turn to God. But that's when it has the most merit, so don't give up!

    If you or someone you know struggles with narcissism, keep praying. God is working on all of us to conform us to His will, we just have to give up our own. If we submit ourselves to Him, He will do the work to heal us.

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  55. I tried to repent and it doesn't feel sincere there are places in the Bible where it says God will give us up and once he gives us up there is no turning back there's a point of no return I feel that is where I am at I am very fearful

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    • I know what you're talking about--the Bible says God will harden the hearts of the unrepentant. I felt that's where I was too at times, because I felt like nothing mattered anymore and everything I did, every prayer and good work, was pointless. But God also says "be faithful in small things," and praying regularly even when we don't feel like it, is exactly that faithfulness He wants from us. It won't always feel sincere but God knows where you are in your interior life and He will meet you there. Ask for sincerity along with everything else. Keep asking with every breath--it can never be too much. Jesus said He likes us to keep asking.

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    • Keep crying out! I was exactly where u were! Dont give up! U have until your last breath to repent. Satan wants u to give up.

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  56. Hello!

    I am just coming to the realization that I exhibit narcissistic traits - I have snooped on my wife's emails and texts over time and seen that word - and rejected it. How could I be that person? Clearly not me :(.

    We are involved in some Gospel centered counseling and my wife recently had the courage to share about that in our session. It was very weighty and my initial response was to deny. Clearly she must be wrong and I was transferring guilt back to her. The counselor even called me out on it - said "she feels like she opened up her mouth and you pissed down it". I could only think of myself. I have spent so much time ducking and covering in my life that I am afraid that I don't know what true emotion and empathy is - outside of how it relates to "me". I refused to see my part in it and remained emotionally neutral.

    I left that session and started doing research and looking for gospel related answers to how I relate to people and myself. I am thankful that Christ came to die for ALL people - even people with narcissism. I am thankful that he will not give us more than what we can bear. I am beginning to see the devastation that I have caused to my wife and my psyche almost immediately wants to blame shift. Lord! Help me to feel the FULL weight of my sin, to repent from it to both you and others that I have harmed, and to surrender this and my WHOLE life to you. Thank you everyone for posting above. I desperately don't want to struggle with this but am thankful that caring people have given me eyes to see.

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    • My husband is a complete narcissist and he has told me he wants a divorce because I keep leaving to set a boundary when he causes me to feel unsafe. He says he has done absolutely nothing to cause met to feel unsafe. It has been an exhausting 15 years with him and when I finally realized it was narcissism I was relieved to know what has been happening to me all these years. It is unusual for anyone to admit they have the problem. God bless you for listening and caring about yourself and your wife enough to do the hard work to learn to change. I do not recommend divorce for anyone.

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  58. I came across your text just today. I was raised by overt/covert narcissist parents and would never consider myself one. I was the victim! But after a good friend pointed out I was being narcissist, I went back to the traits and saw myself in it. I have been reading and re-reading about narcissism these days and dealing with guilt and shame. I needed a Christian/Biblical approach to the subject. I believe this is not a permanent sentence for me. Reconnecting with God through Christ and becoming (truly) His disciple will free me from my narcissism. Even when I battle with thoughts of being the worst creature in the world and beyond salvation, I need to understand that it's my narcissist traits talking.

    Thank you again for your text.

    I sought the Lord, and he answered me;
    he delivered me from all my fears.

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  59. Hi road to recovery...me too..I was raised by one and have become one...it scares me to death how much I have become like her. Becoming love is the answer...finding answers within instead of decorating the outside. Feel free to contact me any time..there are so few sites.,,none...for narcissists who want to get better.

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    • I agree Missn. There is nothing too big for God. If you keep believing that, He will be faithful. Love is the only way and requires a voluntary desire to make that choice every moment. The bigger the need of support, the more God will provide. Keep on and God bless you both.

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  60. I AM a Narcissist! After 53 years as a so-called Christian. How to transition from the person staring at his reflection in the water, to ENTER the water in a genuine Baptism? Don't see much evidence of humour in the numerous comments on Narcissism I have read in various places Sean McCormack UK.

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  61. I'm in a narcissistic relationship and have been for ten years. When we were married, in the early years, I had absolutely no idea that there was any manipulation or negativity in our relationship. Everything was blissful and I thought that I was living a dream, fairy tale. I did not realize it then, but we were living in pretty much isolation, I just didn't know it. When we were married, we lived in a small apartment, where we did t know too many people and our social experiences outside of being with each other were infrequent. My husband had very bad self-esteem and would often be afraid to rise to challenges, even when it was easy to see that he had more than an ability to complete the life goals he wanted to achieve. He had wanted to join the military, but told me his previous test scores were too low and that he just couldn't do it. I was dumfounded. One of the initial attractions for me to him was his wittiness. I encouraged him to take some time to study, reassured him that I would be there to help and support him and that he could do this. He tolde he had been in special ed for most of primary school. He said he remembered often how his family would say things to him,like you're not college material like your brother. I could see the hurt when he described this to me and I shuddered at how anyone's family could make them feel this way or say such hurtful things. He said he had all but given up on getting out of high school, but that he had talked girls in his class into doing his work for him and had passed his senior courses barely (first major red flag- blaming others for personal lack of effort, manipulation of others to do his work and now with me, though I was a long way from seeing it, garnering sympathy and establishing an aliby for a future of repeated intolerable behavior, which I still tolerate, because somewhere in there and everyone in a relationship with a narcissist probably relates to this, is this very lost little child, who feels unloved, is crying our for help and for mercy and is trapped in a cage of past trauma and degradation. When they meet someone who may be equally as emotionally weak, or at least seemingly so, an empath, they feel so loved and also safe, I think. Often empaths are not really looking for any negative in people and are charectarized by seeing the good in people and focusing on that leaving other negative character traits unnoticed. After 10 years if marriage I am realizing now that so many times I was so very naive. I believed so many lies and have been emotionally attacked. My husband would call me things like controlling and say that my life goal was to make him miserable. He would tell his family that I didn't want him to have fun when we'd visit his relatives in Dallas, because I'd protest to him going out drinking with his younger single cousins. What they didn't see or know is that he would come back mean and critical. He'd say things to me that would make me feel guilty for asking to be treated like a human being. The first physical abuse started out as very small sexual assaults, things that could pass as a misunderstanding or as a doting partner who couldn't resist being with you. So things like taking advantage of you, while you were sleeping, for instance seemed normal, because he explained his way out of insane behavior. I woke up to him having sex with me one time and was crying, I don't know if I was dreaming of being raped or what, but I was crying for him to stop and he kept going. I remember feeling scared and embarrassed, but he said he'd shook me and asked and is said yes and was reciprocating so he didn't know u was still sleeping. We were newly Weds and we had a very active sex life and I did very much want that with him. I repeatedly said no to being sodomized but he ignored what I was saying and took small liberties until I basically laid emotionless face down in a pillow and allowed him this small concession, even though he made no effort not to hurt me physically doing this. I became very depressed, and blamed myself for so many of our marital issues. I still do with frequency, because a narcissist,purposefully or not is skillfully at the execution of the gradual erosion of a person's life light. I remember being this fearless girl ready to take on the world and jump in with no reservations, and now every word I say in his presence I can hear and feel inside me a resounding tremble. I'm terrified, though I've become able to cope, because I can now turn on this numbness, where even the most brutal attacks physically, sexually and mentally are absorbed. The numbness doesn't last and the feeling of terror settles in ontop of the numbness like a cool compression that ensnares and paralyzes. Nothing is off limits. If you attempt to run once, they manage to talk you into staying with a promise of changing that seems so sincere somehow your severed hearted us mended and your hope restored. Thus far, for me, this has always been the beginning of an even further dwindling of your spirit of your will to fight for change. And then randomly another period of calm happens quickly and this time you didn't prid for this to happen and now you are back to the beginning all in, because through all the terror and fear you've been wanting this man to feel loved by you. And the stronger the attack on you he wages, it seems the more persistent your own pursuit of his happiness becomes even at the expense if your very survival, because at times I know I was moments away from something horrible happening, and that the Lord's provision for me is what has sustained my life. During this unprovoked calm and season of reflection and change on the part of your narc, you really buy in and feel delivered from chains. Then with almost no warning the narc is gone. When you'd retreated paralyzed by anguish, you were no longer filling the narcs void. Your unresponaiveness and submission were neither pleasurable nor fulfilling. Instead of leaving then at time when you'd feel freed, they could never do that, because the evidence of their behavior is to apparent in your demeanor. Your narc feels betrayed by you. Unable to empathize with your trauma, they have concocted their own reasoning for your apparent lack of passion or resistance.In their minds your lack primal sexuality and aggressive desire indicates betrayal or infidelity. Their ego doesn't recognize the traumatic effects of their behavior on you. Prepare for an onslaught of accusations against you. For me I was accused of havi g numerous affairs, held hostage for three days inside of an 18 wheeler, sexually, physically and mentally abused. I learned that on top of the narcisim mine had been abusing meth, having multiple affairs with women in the local areas and strippers across the western us. Then comes the forced drugging and a heavy layer of blame and guilt for you. Friends and family closer to the narc will quickly but into their accusations because they've been subtly laying down a cover in case you pointed a finger in their direction. It's strange though. They seem to ferverantly and unshakably buy in to their own delusions and somehow, with the web they've weaved around your spirit even having you question your motive and sanity. After all, a few short months ago we were living a fairy tale. Somehow I talked my way out of that truck and talked him into getting help I thought, and then he assassinated my attempt at aelf-worth of any kind.the day following our return, he attempted suicide by hanging where I broke into our house and stopped. I felt reapinsible, guilty and so desired to help his recovery. He went to a mental health rehab and was diagnosed with severe depression and I absorbed most of the blame for that duagnosis,for his addiction and future rehab attempt. It's all failed and I'm still here and am wondering if it is possible to help him ever. I do not know why I feel compelled to help him. And yet there is still this desire. it haunts me.

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    • Please run. Trust me, it is all in vain. You can't help him even if you tried million times. Save your self and have a new life before it is too late

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  62. Through its teachings, individuals are encouraged to focus on serving others, developing empathy, and recognizing the value and worth of every human being. By following the examples set by Jesus Christ and embracing the principles of love, kindness, and forgiveness, one can overcome the self-centered tendencies of narcissism and cultivate a more meaningful and fulfilling life. The transformative message of the Bible reminds us that true fulfillment comes from relationships built on genuine care and concern for others, rather than seeking validation and admiration for ourselves.

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