Its Been Six Years Since Mom Died and I’m Okay
Six years ago today my mother died, and a few days later I wrote an article called, When Prayer Doesn’t Move Mountains. The comment section was filled with notes of sympathy and condolences which I greatly appreciated. I was amazed I could write an article right after my mother died. I always thought that when my mother died I would just roll up into a little ball and lie there till Jesus comes. But I didn’t. I did not become dysfunctional – or at least not any more dysfunctional than I already was. I was amazed that I could not only exist and survive but I could actually be productive and thriving. Sure, there were a lot of tears and heartache. I remember wanting to tell my mother that my mother died. After all, whenever something bad happened, I would always share it with her. But I couldn’t share this with her. But I also remember driving between Bible studies soon after she died, and feeling almost euphoric when I realized that my mother died and I was going to survive. Just days after returning from the funeral, I went out for pizza with some friends. I found myself laughing and enjoying myself. Then, as I walked to my car, a feeling came over me. Am I allowed to be having this much fun yet?

My mother Sara, and myself.
You may or may not be able to identify with my thoughts and feelings. I have found that we all grieve differently. While there is no right or wrong way to grieve, at least within reason, I feel I need to share my experience, because I do not grieve the way so many other people say that we grieve. In recent conversations I have found I am not alone. I am not aiming to be judgmental or invalidate anyone’s grieving process. I just want to share my experience and why I have so much hope. Here are some ways I and many others do not grieve the way the popular society seems to think we all grieve.
“My mother enjoyed her life before I was born, and I can enjoy my life after she is gone.”
When I read memes on Facebook about how that person would give anything to talk to their dead loved one, I cannot relate with that. Sure, right after my mother died I wanted to tell my mom that my mom died, but that emotion did not stay with me. Why? I remember talking to a friend whose mother died several years before mine. Back then I asked my friend how she found the strength to go on. While she loved her mother she said something I had never thought of before. She said, “My mother enjoyed her life before I was born, and I can enjoy my life after she is gone.” At first it sounded kind of cold, but it makes a lot of sense. My mother enjoyed her life before I was born because she had Jesus in her life. I soon realized after I lost my mother that, as much as I loved my mother, I live for Jesus. My mother taught me to live for Jesus. While I loved my mother dearly and can’t wait to see her in the resurrection, I can continue living a happy, fruitful and productive life because I live for Jesus. Hence, I don’t wish I could talk to my mother right now. I need to talk to Jesus, and I can!
During a Bible study last week I was talking to a much younger friend who already lost her mother a few years ago. I shared with her that I don’t constantly think, much less talk about my mother being gone all the time, even though many Facebook memes seem to imply we all do. She agreed with me that she does not think about her mother every day either. I don’t mourn her loss on Mother’s Day. I am too busy celebrating all the wonderful mothers in the world today. After my mom died, my niece became a mother and she is one of the best mothers I have ever seen. I love her kids like crazy. I am too busy celebrating what I have instead of grieving what I don’t have.
I am enjoying my life while my mother rests, knowing that while she told me stories about people and things that happened before I was born, when Jesus wakes her up I can tell her stories about people and things that happened while she was sleeping. While we both spent a portion of our time on earth together and without each other, we will have all eternity in heaven to spend together!
I don’t need to wish my mother a happy heavenly birthday.
I am alarmed at how many of my friends, even Seventh-day Adventist friends wish their late mothers a happy heavenly birthday on social media. For some reason many think it sounds nice, but there is not one single passage of Scripture that even hints that our dead loved ones are already in heaven. I find comfort in the truth about what happens when you die. In 1 Thessalonians 4:18 Paul tells us to comfort each other with “these words” about the resurrection. Nowhere in Scripture does Paul, Jesus or anyone else tell us that our dead loved ones are in heaven, much less to comfort each other with such words. Again 1 Thessalonians 4:18 tells us to comfort each other with words about the resurrection. It sends chills of joy down my spine when I think about the fact that my mother’s very next thought will be Jesus is coming! My mother is resting and does not know anything. The next thing she knows Jesus will be coming! What a glorious thought! I don’t need to draw comfort from the lies and deceptions of spiritualism when the truth of God’s Word gives me comfort I can depend on.
Our grief is personal and private. We all grieve differently. Our relationships are unique, and the way we grieve the loss of those relationships is unique. The way we cope and continue to function is unique. While I don’t really mark anniversaries of my mother’s passing, I thought this year it would be a good time to share some hope with others. Regardless what social media memes say, you don’t have to feel sad each and every day. Psalm 23:6 says goodness and mercy follow us all the days of our life, and that includes the days after a loved one dies. We can live happy, productive lives while looking forward to the resurrection. Regardless what social media memes say, we don’t need to wish our dead loved ones a happy heavenly birthday. We can let our dead loved ones rest, while we comfort each other with words of hope that are actually in Scripture. The words about the resurrection that Paul with which told us to comfort each other are in 1 Thessalonians 4:13-18. Meanwhile Jesus gives us strength and even joy as we live for Him.

Profound...
Amen .Many have said that I am when I have expressed similar feelings and reactions to my parents’ deaths. I was beginning to think I must be strange but your comments have encouraged me. Many times when difficulties arise I think of asking mother or daddy for advice but turn to God . Often that was their advice . My great concern today is to live for God so that in resurrection morning I will join my parents in welcoming our CreatorRedeemer.
Beautiful, thank you for sharing the phrase "my mother enjoyed her life before I was born". Moving forward to what God has destined for our lives is what a mother wants for her children, eternal life is the endgame.
I think the context of a death makes a big difference and we have to be very careful at applying one context to everyone else. It is quite different to lose a parent much earlier in life and the feelings can be quite different in a lot of ways.
My mother passed away when I was 7 and it was a huge loss that shaped me profoundly. Nearly 36 years have passed, but I still have moments when I wish she was around to talk to. To tell me about her life and what being a woman was like for her. I only knew her as a child, so there's so much more I wish I could have learned from her. I don't think that is particularly abnormal or wrong. I do think of her on her birthday. Last year she would have been 70. I found myself pondering what she would have been like had she lived and what our relationship would be like. I don't dwell on these things constantly, but thinking about her is a reality.
Yes, we can talk to Jesus about everything, but that doesn't mean that a longing for human companionship is wrong. In the garden, Jesus longed for the support of his disciples. Job longed for the support of his friends when he was going through trials. If companionship with God was "enough", God would never have created Eve. I'm not saying that we can't turn to God and He is there even when human relationships are far from what they can be. But the longing for things that aren't there reflects a desire for the creation that God always intended. One day we will be in perfect fellowship with both God and all creation and it's normal to long for that.
Christina, absolutely losing a mother when I did was nothing like losing your mother as a child. I am so sorry for your loss.
Hello, I am new here, and thank God for his wonderful word of encouragement to His people. I lost my mother also a couple of years ago, and I did not mourn my mother's death as many do, because while she was alive I did everything as her son to give her a good and lasting life. I placed a great deal of effort in helping my mother in all that I could.
It is sad to hear how SDAs still have a problem believing that their loved ones are not in heaven. I think the best illustration found in the Bible is found in the story of Lazarus and Jesus. John 11:1-14 -- read the whole chapter and you will not find anywhere where the word heaven was ever mentioned by Jesus, Martha, or Mary; but Mary believed that there will be a resurrection day. This is a very interesting passage of scripture. The devil wants people to believe in spiritualism; let us hold fast until Jesus comes...
Before I was an Adventist Christian I was very sad because I didn't know the truth about death. 1 Thessalonians 4:13-18 opened my eyes along with other scriptures and gave me hope! It's one of my favorite scriptures that comforts me and that Jesus is the voice we will hear when He wakes us up from sleep! Praise the Lord for the hope He gives us in truth and love!!!